Octabber has begun. Battle is joined. On the one side, the entire tax-funded apparatus of State led by the Puritan Horde, the Smoke Inquisition and in the front line, indoctrinated idiot drones. Not as many of them as they like to think.
On the other side, a bunch of folk who would really rather just be left alone to live their lives as they choose. People who never thought they would have to defend a simple lifestyle choice but who are now in a position where they must choose. Give in and live as instructed or fight for your chance to live your one and only life your own way.
The Ashtray Warriors are very different from the armchair warriors of modern parlance. First, we are not allowed to sit in armchairs, we have to huddle outside in the cold.
Second, we really are in a position where we are being attacked. This is no time to rant at the TV or rip up the newspapers. They really are coming for us and they mean business. We are no longer even safe in our own homes.
Some vapers, I know, will be chuckling at the smokers because there are still a few who believe they are on the side with the big guns. That’s okay. Stand with the other side but don’t expect sympathy when they stab you in the back.
I am not exactly A-1 for physical active service so won’t be manning smoky trenches anywhere. All I really have are words, but words can do more lasting damage than a bullet when carefully chosen and selectively fired.
This month cannot succeed, by the antismokers’ own logic. I have met true drug addicts, they are safe enough when you have nothing they can steal and no money they can beg but it’s best not to let them attach themselves to you. Not my choice for long-term company, that’s for sure. Anna Raccoon has a description that will save me time here.
Does anyone really believe that you can simply say to a heroin addict; “Just stop doing it for 28 days and you’ll be fine. That’s really all you have to do,” and expect any success at all? Of course not. Yet we have been told that all smokers are addicts and that nicotine is as addictive as hard drugs. Now we are told ‘all you have to do is stop for 28 days, it’s that easy’. Real addiction is not that easy.
This has to be a critical point in this battle. If, at the end of October, they claim success, then they are stating that smoking is not an addiction. It cannot be, if it is that easy to stop.
If they announce failure, the bean-counters are likely to be somewhat distressed at the waste of money. Either way, for the smokophobes, this is a major battle.
The funny part is, it doesn’t really matter whether we win it or lose it. The dopes haven’t realised that at the end of the month they must either admit that smoking is so non-addictive that it’s easy to stop, or that they have wasted a hell of a lot of tax money on a publicity stunt that could not possibly work.
I have cut up all of last year’s remaining tobacco crop and have some of this year’s following through Junican’s towel method (I tried T-shirts but they are too thin, it has to be towels so I picked up some cheapies at the pound shop). I think I can last at least through October without spending any money on tobacco. Sure, I could restrict myself to Man with a Van but that still puts money into the EU somewhere down the line, and he doesn’t have regular opening hours. Once in a while I’ve still had to clutch my wallet in agony at the tobacco counter, and if you don’t go there often you really notice the accelerating prices.
Maybe I can manage to roll my own Christmas cigar this year. That would be satisfying. Cigar attempts so far have not been great.
This month is the antis’ Big Push. They believe they will succeed. The drones will feel empowered to accost smokers wherever they find them. I will break with my usual habits and visit pubs so they can find me. I will also be charging up my Electrofags now I know they are scared of those too.
All I will have are words, delivered in a gentle monotone. No raging or shouting, just quiet explanation. When all they see are my eyes locked on theirs, they will feel their breath shortening and their chest tightening. They will feel an itch on their wrists (nothing to do with smoking, it’s just easy to induce) that I will tell them is third hand smoke soaking in through their skin. Their scalp will itch, their eyes will burn, most will even find lumps if they place their fingers at the back of their jaw, just below the jawline and slide them forward. You will too. They are supposed to be there, they are the tendons operating your neck, but I will omit that information. They have just formed while they were speaking to me. When they find the lumps, that gives them about a week to live unless they can persuade a doctor to treat them – but doctors don’t want to treat them for smoking related diseases because that makes it look like there are more smokers. Doctors will fob them off, they will have to be really persistent if they want to live…
I have played this game with the gullible many times and in many forms, not just smoking. I have played at cold reading and became good enough that if I had been inherently dishonest I could have been on the telly. At the end, I normally admit the deception and explain how it’s done (except with the harridan types) but not this month. No, antismoking drones, I will not snap you out of it and send you on your way.
I’ll just send you on your way.
They don’t read this. They read antismoking propaganda telling them not to read this. So no, I am not forewarning the enemy and it wouldn’t matter all that much anyway. That level of gullibility cannot put up effective barriers.
I can’t cause much chaos on my own but I can cause a little bit. Since all the smokers will be outside, I’ll have plenty of ‘we haven’t met before, have we?’ assistants for my games so at least some of the drones will be driven mad. With a little luck they will go home and check their partners’ and childrens’ necks for lumps, and then troop off to Casualty to convert my little bit of chaos into utter mayhem. They might even take their cat or dog to the vet’s.
Compassion? Mercy? Compromise? What are those? Things I remember from the past, that is all. I haven’t seen any of that coming from the antis to the smokers so I see no reason to send any their way. The NHS can collapse under the weight of it all and the antis will expect me to care. The NHS already don’t want to treat anyone who isn’t in perfect health as defined by their lifestyle rules so as far as I can see, it’s no use at all.
Battle proper is joined this month. No prisoners.
I have to admit, I’ve been looking forward to this. I hope the drones play along with their masters’ wishes. It’ll be no fun if they see through the lies they’ve been told too soon.