… I forget…

Apparently smoking ‘ages your lungs’ (news to me, I thought age did that) and makes you forget things, so maybe it does age your lungs and I just forgot.

Ah, think what I could have been if I didn’t smoke. I could have been a Published Writer, or a Doctor of Philosophy.

Oh wait, I just remembered. I’m already both of those things and I did both while smoking and one of them while almost continually drunk. Silly me. (It’s a Welsh thing. We write better when plastered. Ask Dylan Thomas – oh, you can’t, he died after only nineteen whiskies. Children’s portions. Although he did it almost every day so…)

But what about Einstein or Churchill? What could they have achieved if they hadn’t addled their minds with smoke? One of them could have revolutionised physics, the other could have won a World War. What a shame they were smokers and therefore left physics in the Dark Ages and the UK under the jackboot of the Nazis. If Barry O’Blimey had never smoked, why, he could have been President by now. If Cameron and Clegg had never smoked, they might be running the country into the ground by now. Just look how those last three have changed since they stopped smoking.

Churchill was fat and a total piss-head too. I’d have voted for him, there’d be no ASH and no minimum pricing and no fat and salt nagging if he was in power. The EU wouldn’t get very far with him either.

The comments are full of the usual brainwashed ASH drones:

Smoking causes holes in your brain. When my mother got Alzheimer’s, she had a brain scan. The brain scan showed that she had hundreds of holes (dead spots) in her brain. The doctor said the holes were caused by her smoking, not by the Alzheimer’s. I was shocked and asked the doctor why this information was not advertised. He simply shrugged. My mother smoked for 30 years before quitting but she was left a brain riddled with holes. So smoking causes cancer, emphysema, CPD, and kills the brain, but people insist on smoking! McIver3 , San Diego, 27/11/2012 01:19

Sigh. The doctor shrugged because he was telling you made-up crap, quite possibly made up by himself on the spot. And you believed it without bothering to check, and you think your mother is the one with holes in her brain. Smoking, overall, prevents Alzheimer’s, it was shown long ago. It does not cause holes in the brain. Nor is it proven to cause any of the other things you list.

The added disadvantage for smokers losing some IQ due to smoking is that they start from a low number to start with- or they would not have smoked in the first place. Couple that to the fact that even with irrefutable evidence of the damage it causes they continue to indulge what is a totally ridiculous habit. Zumbugga, Luton, 26/11/2012 11:47

Oh really? After some 30 years of smoking my IQ is right down to 163 (140-odd after half a bottle of whisky) so I could have been Lex Luthor or Davros.

I think I’ll be Davros. He has cooler henchmen.

I always make it my business to treat smokers as second class citizens – because they are. They REALLY stink, they age prematurely, they develop a hideous voice, they can’t drive properly whilst smoking – the list goes on and on. Filthy habit, perpetuated by weak willed idiots who are hooked on a drug. Disgusting. ChrisC, Peterborough, 26/11/2012 13:51

If I am ever in Peterborough, ChrisC, we should have a conversation. A calm, quiet, gentle chat. Why? Because I will have an awful lot of fun with a drone as gullible as you. You won’t know I’m a smoker, either.

Smoking is disgusting and most smokers are oblivious to their disgusting behaviour because they are used to it. Everytime i have smokers over i find ciggy buts all over my garden, in pots in grids, which i have to clean up. Today i put my little boy in the back seat of the car to find my car full of horrible ciggy smoke. When i looked around i found a smoking end in the gutter, still puffing smoke, all going straight into my car. Kill yourself if you must but dont take me with you Petitpois, Inthegarden, 26/11/2012 19:52

Don’t worry, Petitpois, I intend to make sure you and all your fellow idiot drones go first. Dying of nothing but your own imagination.

My Father smoked until his lungs were so bad he could not smoke. He died as we all thought he would from lung cancer. I would like to ask some of those who despite the known and serious health hazards of smoking if once their lungs have become so bad if they then expect somebody who has looked after theirs to donate their lungs to them. M49tan, Farnham, United Kingdom, 26/11/2012 18:46

No, smokers don’t get lung transplants. Smokers’ lungs are often used for transplants because they aren’t actually any different to anyone else’s. Except this smoker. I have long since torn up my donor card and if they make it an opt-out system instead, my name will be at the top of the opt-out list. I don’t want to risk being the one to prolong your life in any way, M49tan. You are a hateful bastard and as thick as the shit coming out of someone who lives on wallpaper paste and lead filings.

These are the people telling us that smokers are stupid.

This is not the pot calling the kettle black. This is the pot calling the highly polished chrome radiator grille ‘black’.

But what do I know? As a smoker I am now without a sense of smell, I am blind, I am institutionalised in the Stupid Place and am illiterate.

It’s a good thing I didn’t try to take up blogging.

Oh wait…


38 thoughts on “… I forget…

  1. It has just been discovered that SMOKING ROTS THE BRAIN, thereby making it HIGHLY unappetizing to ZOMBIES!

    PREPARE for the ZOMBIE HORDES!!! Smoke all you can, as the protective factor appears to be dose dependent. It is thought that the safest course is to try to achieve at least 50 pack-years before you can party-down with the brain munchers in safety.

    GET YOUR CHILDREN READY FOR THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE with Dr. Nic’s Choco-Flavored Stogies: sure to be popular with the Kindergarten set and those fussy eaters. For the real younglings we recommend Mentholated Parliament Pacifiers as there is some evidence that zombies will be fooled, particularly if the infants are encased in protective clouds of parental smoke.

    At the moment there is no proof as yet that the Apocalypse was brought on by the Antismokers who thought that they alone would survive due to their pronounced lack of edible brain tissue. It is thought that the zombies distaste for smokers’ brains may be an unexpected side-effect of having been created in antismoking laboratories.

    Mothers, don’t let your sons grow up to be zombies! Share a Cuban Cigar with them on their first birthday!


    Chief Puffer, Homeland Smokeurity Forces

    P.S. It would have been counter-signed by Albert Einstein, Robert Oppenheimer, and Edward Teller, but unfortunately they started smoking when they were young and could never learn to read or write.


  2. I am from San Diego, also have about 160 I.Q.; am 58 years old and have smoked since I was twelve and still enjoy eah puff. You have some people with real hate spizzling out of their viens writing you. Worry about other people? Whats to be got from that?


  3. There is some good news in the comments – The hate filled ones are all red arrowed. There are a lot of people who are simply sick of this nonsense and all their comments are heavily green arrowed.
    People do seem to be getting tired of this bollocks.


    • I’ve noticed quite a few ‘I hate smoking but this is just getting silly now’ comments appearing. Only the hardcore haters are left, it seems. There are very few of them.

      The more ridiculous it gets, the more antismokers are going to shake their heads and say ‘Nope, gone too far.’ The hardcore will just keep pushing further over the absurdity line. This antismoking movement is killing itself, and so are all the others following the same template.

      Eventually, even the politicians will notice.


        • Cameron hasn’t noticed that minimum booze pricing will end his career and possibly his entire party, even though his own ministers are telling him this. Realisation won’t dawn in this parliament. Maybe the next – in which Cameron won’t be PM becasue if he’s still Tory leader, nobody will vote for them.


  4. Well, an elderly relative of mine has dementia, but he has never smoked, nor does he drink much (a sherry at Xmas). Can’t think why he has dementia. Wait! He eats butter. That’s it. It’s not old age that gets you. It’s the butter.


    • Nope. I eat butter. I’m not clinically demented yet. I suspect long-term exposure to the Daily Mail might well be a contributory factor though. That’s why I have to limit my visits there.


  5. XX holes in her brain.XX


    It is, as far as modern sceince can tell, a build up of Protien around the brain cells, particularly in the “memory” area.

    WOW!!!! Smoking gives you PROTIEN!!!!

    I thoght that was GOOD for you…. Damn…. too much Lambs Navy again.


  6. XX Oh really? After some 30 years of smoking my IQ is right down to 163 (140-odd after half a bottle of whisky)XX

    Na. O.K…. 135 -140…. depends WHO ran the test, and whether it was “next morning”, or after a long rest.

    Yo BEAT me you bastard!!! 🙂 🙂


    • Depends what’s in the test too. They include some general knowledge which you either know or don’t know. Being a former spotty bookworm means I can get most of them – but just because someone doesn’t know a particular fact is of no relevance to how intelligent they are. One test might be full of stuff I know, another might be full of stuff I’ve never heard of.

      Then there are anagrams. If I’m going to get them, I get them straight away or not at all. I do best on the spatial stuff – rotating shapes in your head to see if they fit together. Probably connected to all those little tiny models I made over the years.

      I know a Professor, a head of department, who is sharp as a razor but who cannot get anywhere with an IQ test because he’s dyslexic. Properly dyslexic, not like the modern ‘can’t be arsed to learn spelling’ sorts who just jump on the dyslexia excuse when they’re not.

      Also, you can practice those tests and get progressively higher marks.

      The real test of intelligence is when you look at the MENSA website. Last time I looked (a few years back) the front page had the question ‘Did you know that only one in fifty people are in the top two percent?’ Well, I thought, if you didn’t know that you shouldn’t be here and if that is MENSA standard, then I’m smart enough not to give them money. Paying people to tell you you’re clever isn’t clever.

      Anyway, the PhD was enough of a millstone when looking for a small job. I could do without having MENSA membership on my CV right now!


  7. All you guys with MENSA level IQ’s….
    Me, I’m not the brightest light on the Xmas tree and left school at 16 with an Olevel in English and a CSE in RS. Took up smoking about the time I discovered alcohol, girls, 2000 AD and drugs and found, suddenly, when smoking I COULD think, hold and follow complex thoughts. The mental mists cleared in direct proportion to the smog in the room. Writing with a ciggy in my hand and a cup of industrial strength coffee and Doornkaat (FT will know) the words just seem to flow. Was accepted to read theology at the highest university in the land…and there is no thought more complex than theological thought..”Being God’s Spin Doctors”…you think astrophysics is tough? Try proving that God is actually ok with sodomites-if they are in a really committed relationship- and that the bible doesn’t really say it is an abomination to bugger other blokes.


    • Wasn’t the Bible seriously meddled with by King James? The original didn’t mention witches either. I’m actually surprised he didn’t include ‘Thou shalt not smoke’. I’ll bet he tried.


  8. For those not up on their EU drinks I should explain that Doornkaat is a clear grain spirit only really drunk in Friesa. Its a slightly weird drink, you can drink it all night 50/50 in tea (and if you’ve tried Friesian tea you’ll understand why) or coffee and stay cold sober….until you stand up to go to the toilet….

    …and you wake up hours later in a pool of piss, vomit and sea water at the bottom of a North German fishing smack miles out to sea and realise that Charon was infact a Helgolander.


  9. I think you ArE all stinkinG scumbGS That have know idea how you are Kiling the restt of us with your foul habbit.

    Just kidding.

    Or: U mak my clths stinc and i have to shower after i cum home from the pub.


    UR killin my childrun with yor smoke in your car.

    I really couldn’t give a flying fuck if they’re upset about my perfectly legal pastime.


    • Very effective impersonation of ‘them’. Right down to the random caps, fifteenth-century spelling and own-brand grammar.

      You’re obviously short of your vitamin B3 fix today. Light up a vitamin stick, quick!


  10. Damn – down to 163 I.Q

    40+ years “on the sauce”, plus a few cigars on the way, and a bit of ‘wacky baccy’ as well, have plummeted mine to a pathetic 153

    It’s now getting difficult to remember where my trousers are

    Looks like ASH / Alcohol Concern / et al, were right all along


  11. Leg, don’t forget that your PhD puts you on an equal footing with “Dr. Glantz” with his doctorate in Mechanical Engineering. Start signing your name with that “Dr.” on smoking-related medical letters and going on TV for interviews dressed in a white coat and you’ll be pulling in $$$ from the NHS in no time!

    (Actually, you’d be pulling in pound signs over there, but I’ll trade you even steven for $$$)



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