Everything gives you cancer.

Friday was Smoky-Drinky night. It was snow-free when I came home from work but snow-covered when I went to Smoky-Drinky. Well, I had another bottle of Ben Bracken to take along and this time it was fresh snow, not the melt-freeze stuff that damaged me last time. So I went.

It was quiet at first, we had just about finished the booze and were about to go for smoky-coffee when another arrived, utterly pissed and carrying a litre of Whyte and MacKay. So it turned into a very very late evening. I made it home undamaged but beyond the ability to type or even stay awake very long. All I could do was marvel at how children’s programming has developed. We never had shows like that when I was a kid. Incidentally, the radio is always on at work and I’ve noticed that every other song seems to be about death. Fine with me, but I’m wondering if it has anything to do with reducing the pensions bill…

Anyway, the idea of scaring us all off smoking and boozing by telling us we’re all going to get The Lumps is now well established and has worked so well that it is only natural to find it applied to everything else.

Chips make your willy gland all lumpy.

Yes, deep-fried food will now give you cancer of the prostate. Girls, you’re fine here, you don’t have a willy gland so you can deep-fry everything but every man in Scotland must, by now, have a bulge just below belt height and above where we’d all prefer to have a bulge.

Everything gets deep-fried here. I have had deep-fried pies and even pizza. I have not tried a deep-fried chocolate bar, somehow it doesn’t quite appeal to me, but deep-fried black pudding in batter is wonderful. Deep-fried haggis too. There are also things called ‘red pudding’ and ‘white pudding’ that I have never tried because I still have no idea what they are. White pudding looks like a sausage made of lard, covered in batter and deep-fried. I would not put it past the Scots, you know. They would. They bloody well would.

Ever had a deep-fried buttery? A buttery looks like a flat bread roll but it’s mostly made of butter and lard. If you grill it, it melts. If you deep-fry it, it becomes a calorie explosion that would take an Olympic sprinter a week of intense training to burn off.

I don’t get fat from these things because I only eat them occasionally and because I have a physical job now, so I burn the calories. Most Scots used to have physical jobs. Eating lots of those things when you sit at a desk all day is guaranteed to turn you into Jabba the McHutt. Unless you’re in Glasgow, where it’s Jimmy the McHutt, ya wee bawbag.

There is a big difference between buying bigger pants and having the contents of those pants grow lumps. Being overweight isn’t, in itself, necessarily deadly. One of my grandmothers was short and shaped like a beach ball and she lasted to a fine old age. One of my many aunties died of cancer at a young age. The rest are fine, as are all the uncles. All the smoking ones are fine. All the fat ones are fine. All the drunks (well, that’s all of them) are fine.

So telling people that the old fish’n’chips will fatten them isn’t scary enough. it has to give them cancer of something. Trouble is, most of the cancers have been claimed by the antismoke and antidrink crews so we’re getting into the rare ones now. Quite how eating a deep-fried mutton pie will result in cancer of the prostate isn’t explained, but it doesn’t need to be. It just has to give you cancer of something and the drones will believe it. Soon, salt will cause elbow cancer and sugar will cause lumpiness of the spleen (have they used that one already?).

It’s the template again. The drones never see it. They never notice that people aren’t dropping around them in the street. When secondary deep-frying arrives (it will) then I’ll have a hell of a lot of fun on a public bench with a smoke, a beer and a bag of chips. Incredible levels of entertainment can be had for very little money nowadays.

But there is hope. The cure for everything was found, and declared to the world, in 1957.

I used to have a copy of this but wore it out. Nice to see a downloadable copy available 😉



17 thoughts on “Everything gives you cancer.

  1. Known carcinogens remain few in number. A larger list of probable human carcinogens precedes the mountainous series of suspected substances. The latter, derived through non epidemiological methods and tests which couldn’t fail to provide a positive result if you were really trying, got very silly when competing research began besmirching innocent foodstuffs and postulating the synergistic effects of tea and tomatoes.

    Nobody should doubt that cancer, along with other major killers, will soon be beaten. And will that manifest our conquest of Nature? I can visualise some breakfast table of the future,when little Johnny is horrified to witness a multi-centenarian ancestor sit down to Sunday breakfast too suddenly and shed an entire body mass of cells as a result of the sudden increase in g-force. .


  2. That’s an old one.

    Bread and crisps in cancer risk scare
    25 April, 2002

    “Staple foods including bread, chips and crisps, may contain high levels of a substance believed to cause cancer, a study suggests.

    Tests showed they all contain high quantities of acrylamide, a chemical which is classified as a probable human carcinogen.

    Researchers in Sweden found acrylamide was formed when carbohydrate-rich foods such as potatoes, rice or cereals are heated.

    Such foods could pose a potential health risk to millions of people around the world.

    The research was deemed so important that scientists took the unusual step of going public with their findings before the details had been officially published in an academic journal”.

    “Mr Busk said: “The discovery that acrylamide is formed during the preparation of food, and at high levels, is new knowledge.

    “It may now be possible to explain some of the cases of cancer caused by food.”

    The Food Administration said fried, oven-baked and deep-fried potato and cereal products may contain high levels of acrylamide. ”

    One crisp danger

    “Margareta Tornqvist, an associate professor at Stockholm University’s department of environmental chemistry said the consumption of a single potato crisp could take acrylamide intake up to the WHO maximum for drinking water.

    However, she said the product analysis, based on more than 100 random samples, was not extensive enough for the Administration to recommend the withdrawal of any products from the supermarket shelves.”

    ” Mr Schlundt said the WHO planned to gather experts at its Geneva headquarters to examine the question, but it might be a couple of months before such a meeting could be held.

    “We are not saying that everybody is going to be dying from this in 30 years, but we are saying that there is a potential problem and that we need to know more,” he said.”

    ‘Burnt foods’ linked to cancers
    December 2007

    “Women who eat crisps or chips every day may double their chances of ovarian or womb cancer, say scientists.

    The fears surround acrylamides, chemicals produced when you fry, grill or roast a wide range of foods.”
    http: //news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7124501.stm

    Chips and crisps ‘linked to low birth weight babies’
    October 2012

    “Pregnant women who eat large amounts of chips and crisps could be harming their babies as much as smokers, a new European study suggests”.

    “They also found the infants’ heads were up to 0.33cm smaller.”
    http: //www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-20040631

    So yes, it does look like it is the men’s turn to be scared out of their wits.

    I particularly enjoyed the bacon scare with Professor Marmot, it came soon after the Smoking Ban and absolutely terrified the non-smoking newsreader.

    October 31,2007

    “HAM and bacon should be cut from our diets to avoid the risk of bowel cancer, a landmark study has shown.
    The World Cancer Research Fund study found strong evidence that eating red meat and processed meats such as pastrami, salami, and frankfurters can cause bowel cancer.

    The panel – that has reviewed half a million published papers worldwide – recommended that the health conscious should eat less than 18 ounces of red meat per week and avoid processed meat altogether”.
    Professor Marmot –
    “He also suggested the direct link between increased weight and increased cancer risk was even stronger than the link between cigarettes and cancer:

    With smoking, we know that if you smoke you increase your risk, but most smokers in the end don’t get cancer, so it’s not a one-to-one relation,” he explained.”
    http: //www.express.co.uk/posts/view/23812/-Ban-bacon-say-cancer-experts

    I nearly fell off my chair when I heard him say that and so did the newsreader.


    • … but most smokers in the end don’t get cancer…

      Bet he got his wrist slapped for letting slip that little nugget of truth!

      Most notable about those stories is the repeated use of “may”, “could”, “suggests”, “up to”. All weasel words designed to create an impression of certainty where none exists.


    • The government failed to meet targets set by some unelected soap-dodgers? And the government are apologising!

      This is the sort of thing that ended up with Germany electing Hitler, you know.


  3. A little math excercise.
    Suppose you have 100 smokers that die of lung cancer and there is a 90% probability their cancer was caused by smoking.

    What is the chance that all 100 cancers were caused by smoking.

    Actually, the odds are vanishingly small.

    Flipping a coin gives you a 50% chance of getting a ‘Heads”.
    Flipping two coins gives you a 25% probability of both coming up ‘Heads”.
    There are 4 possible combinations; of which, 2 ‘Heads’ is 1.
    Math = 0.5 X 0.5 = 0.25

    90% probability = 0.9

    2 deaths = 0.9 X 0.9 = 0.81 = only a 81% probability that both were caused by smoking.

    After 7 deaths we are down to a 48% probability that all 7 were caused by smoking.

    After 20 deaths.we are down to an 11% probability that all were caused by smoking.

    After 30 deaths, there is only a 3.8% probability that all were caused by smoking.

    The possibilty that all 100 deaths were caused by smoking is almost non-existent!!!!

    Now consider, antis claim that thousands of lung cancer deaths are totally ’caused’ by smoking.

    The same claims are made about deaths ’caused’ by obesity or drinking.


    • You’re classing the lung cancer as ‘smoking’ vs. ‘all other causes’ – which fits the heads/tails analogy.

      However, if you separate the ‘all others’ into individual causes, the maths gets a lot more complex, and the chances of smoking-related cancer are then likely to be not significantly different from zero 😉


  4. When they’ve cured all the popular diseases and stopped us smoking and drinking what the hell are we going to die of? Boredom! How will the pension Ponzi cope with millions of dullard gerieatrics? We need a good war to even things up . . .


    • I hadn’t seen that – thanks. There used to be a site listing all the things the Daily Mail claimed caused cancer, and the things that cured it. Normally the same things…


  5. Ignore the lot of them I always have and I am still here. I am from Glasgow originally but didn’t eat a lot of fatty food because I didn’t like them much and my mum could not affors them anyway. I took the view that BSE meant cheap beef and Chernobyl cheap lamb! Saves a lot of trouble if you just ignore them and their junk science.


  6. All the cancer specialists I saw can’t say what caused my inoperable liver cancer. Only that it’s terminal, stage 4, and there is nothing they can do. They didn’t even try to foist chemo and radiation and surgery and all that on me.

    Once you have it, and all the pain that ensues with this liver cancer, it really doesnt matter what caused it. I didn’t drink that much, don’t smoke, eat healthy, still I got this horrid disease.
    Well, we all have to die someday anyway….maybe I’m lucky know what I will die of, and the approx time it will happen, to try and get my “affairs” in order.

    Anyone who has cancer, and is in horrid pain, like I am, I wish then well and many prayers, it’s NOT fun, believe you me.


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