In a modern remake of ‘Apocalypse Now’, Marlon Brando might utter those words in response to the news that tobacco companies are advertising something they are allowed to advertise because it’s not tobacco.
It’s not even their invention. Quite why they are spending so much to advertise something smaller companies have been selling for ages seems strange, but in big-company budget terms they are probably doing it on the cheap.
They are not trying to entice children to take up vaping. That is ridiculous. What they are doing is something that boils my piss because it is something all big companies do. What they are doing is attempting to overshadow and then wipe out small-business competition. When they’ve done it, they can put their prices up or stop bothering with Electrofag and get the ex-smokers back on the baccy.
I’ve seen big supermarkets do it to small local shops time and again. They sell a wide range of paint cheap until Local Paint Shop folds, then they sell white and magnolia only. They wiped out Local Lightbulb Shop, who sold lightbulbs for all manner of ancient and strange devices, then settled into the ‘main market’ range. They sell bestseller books at prices no real bookshop could possibly match and when Local Bookshop died, they put the prices up. Tesco, here, now sell a range of ‘local books by local authors’ at prices that would have kept Local Bookshop alive if they had been able to match Tesco price on even one Harry Potter book.
They don’t sell any of mine so screw ’em. I don’t want them selling mine. The author’s cut of the price is whatever is left after printer, publisher and bookseller have made their profit. Selling books in Tesco might make you famous but it won’t make you rich. I want it the other way around.
The tobacco companies hate Electrofag and would love to see it eradicated. They aren’t bothered by the Pharmers’ patches and gum because they don’t work so are no threat at all. Electrofag is a real threat to tobacco companies. Even I, a dedicated bonfire-in-the-face sort, have a range of electrofags to play with. They are great gadgets and for those who want to stop real-smoking, they are the best way to do it.
Electrofag is also a serious threat to the health lobby. The health experts are concerned – of course they are. They are not concerned about health. They are concerned that their gravy train could be derailed if there was a version of ‘smoking’ they cannot blame for all known ills, and which means they can’t sell patches and gum containing the only thing Electrofag contains.
It might also mean they have to do some work. As it is, the papers give us daily reports of people who were sent home diagnosed with migraines, only to die days later of brain tumours. Also all those reports of ‘I can’t understand how I have cancer, I have never smoked’. I’m not going into a long explanation of cancer aetiology, I don’t care enough any more. You’re going to die and I am sick of explaining why. As to how to avoid it, it’s not hard, you work it out. When you get old it’s just going to happen. If you smoke they’ll catch it far earlier than if you don’t, soon only smokers will be alive and you antismokers did that. Isn’t life funny?
I advise all never-smokers, if they visit the doctor with something they think is really bad, to claim to be ex-smokers. When the GP says ‘do you smoke’, never say ‘I have never smoked’ because that wipes a whole raft of terrible illnesses fromn the GP’s mind.
Say instead ‘Oh, I gave that up five years ago’ and watch the GP’s eyes light up. They will then test for smoking-related diseases and these days that’s all of them, even dandruff. You will get an MOT the likes of which you have never seen before. Every cell in your body will get a makeover and the big difference between you and the never-smoker who proudly boasts about it is that in your case, they are looking for cancer. Actively looking for it. In every bit of your body. They won’t miss a single wart and they will triple-check every mole.
Say you have never smoked and they start from the premise that whatever you have, it can’t be cancer. Even if you have an unsightly lump the size of Liverpool hanging off your neck. Can’t be cancer if you don’t smoke. ‘It’s just a big lump, nothing to worry about, have an aspirin and get out of the way. I have a smoker scheduled next’.
Do they get paid extra for adding to the ‘smoking related diseases’ databases? I have no idea, but it really would not surprise me.
We have entered the antismokers’ ‘Sloppytember’ nonsense. I thought they had forgotten about it this year but at last night’s Smoky-Drinky there was a TV ad. In this ad, lots of Righteous puffed into a big balloon with many puff-holes and with no regard for hygeine at all. See, if a nonsmoker put their mouth there before that’s okay. It is now impossible for a nonsmoker to have any disease at all even if they are dying of it. Even rolling this balloon along the street and getting total strangers to suck on its teats is just fine and dandy. Feckin’ idiots. Still, natural selection and all that, eh?
I’d like to see a similar balloon filled by smokers – take a drag and puff it in – rolled up to ASH headquarters and popped. We’d wipe ours with alcohol swabs which the Righteous are not allowed to use in case it addicts them. It can have that effect on the brain-use-challenged.
Maybe we could do this in Octabber? We do have Halloween in our bit, which we can have some fun with. They have nothing of consequence in theirs.
The horror…the horror… the fun to have…