If I ruled the world…

… I’d resign. It sounds like a terrible job.

I cannot understand why any of these control-freaks want to control other people. It is a mindset entirely alien to me. As long as it has no effect on me, I have no interest in what the people next door do and none at all in what the people further away are doing. I certainly have no interest in telling them how to live – they can figure that out for themselves. I have quite enough to deal with figuring out how to live my own life, thanks.

Yet we have people who insist that the entire world must not smoke, not drink, eat what they are told to eat and not eat what they are told not to eat, we have people taking Jumbo jets to conferences where they tell us we use too much energy, and now the EU is dictating how much water you can use to flush away your crap.

During talks to draw up the ceilings, Britain asked for the reduced flush to be set at four litres, in line with the low-flush models currently being recommended for domestic homes. The plea was rejected as not delivering a sufficient water saving.

Water savings might be important in arid regions of Europe but this is the UK. Water is not in short supply here. It drops out of the sky most days. What is in short supply is intelligent water management but we can’t do anything about that as long as the country is run by those too dim to get a better job than ‘politician’.

What we can do is get hold of rainwater collection barrels and fit them into the downpipes from the roof gutters. I have one and I heartily recommend it for watering plants at least. They’ve done so much better since they stopped getting the chlorinated stuff from the taps.

Okay, rainwater in a barrel is not ideal for drinking but with simple filtering and boiling it could be made drinkable. It’s certainly perfectly good enough to flush the toilet. I don’t have a water meter here, but if I did I’d be routing that rainwater into the toilet cisterns. That would be a sensible way to save water – but that’s not on the cards. Instead, the EU want to reduce the amount of water you can use to the point where only those eating the recommended nothing-at-all will produce sufficiently small amounts of the stinky stuff for the flush to work. Everyone eating like a normal human being will have to watch it all pile up.

Well, in that case, I’ll shit on the rhubarb. The rhubarb won’t mind. In fact I have bought it some pelleted chicken shit this year which will rot all over it through the winter. Some years back, I bought pelleted cow shit and it went ballistic. It’s used all of that now so I’ll try chicken shit this time. No flushing involved.

We keep hearing that there are many people who want us to stay in this ridiculous EU nonsense. Most people don’t, it’s assumed that all the rest do. However, Parliament has been considering the questions on the pretend referendum we’re supposed to believe we’ll get this tiime – and who would have guessed this?

“A few people did not know whether or not the UK is currently a member of the EU, and this presented a risk of misunderstanding,” the commission found.

So most people want out of the EU, and of those who don’t want out, some do not even realise we’re in! Which further reduces the number who want to be in. They kept that quiet, didn’t they? So how many want to be in the EU? Probably about five.

How far removed from reality must you be to not realise we’re in the EU? Its diktats are in the news every day. It’s people like that who give the control freaks the leverage they need. The ones who want someone else to run their lives for them because they cannot be bothered to do it themselves.

They are the ones who accept all this rubbish about salt and fat being poisons, about second hand smoke, about the five-a-day and booze-units bullshit that ‘scientists’ have openly admitted they just made up. Openly admitted, and the drones still believe it!

The control freaks are so active these days for the simple reason that there are now so many drones who actually want to be controlled. They want everyone else controlled too.

Screw that. I will not be controlled. I am the reason I don’t want to be King of the World because people like me – and there are quite a few of us – just will not listen. We are the thorns in their side and if you take one thorn out, two more go in. We are the ones who react to tobacco controls with attempts to cultivate a strain that will grow wild in the UK. We are the ones who react to booze controls by brewing our own. We stock up on salt and sugar, we learn to make our own versions of banned foods. Tax water and we’ll have no trouble getting an alternative source. As I said, it just falls from the sky. Filtration through sand beds is easy to replicate on a small scale. It does not need to have chlorine or fluoride in it to be safe – as the drones believe.

Fruit does not need to come in plastic bags to be edible and as for meat, the country is overrun with rabbits and other small creatures made of meat. I read about a guy who’s lived on roadkill for years. Scrape it up when it’s fresh and cook it properly – it’s all meat.

The drones are not competition for any of this, they are now so stupid that unless the food has a supermarket logo on it, they won’t touch it. I should feel sorry for them – but I don’t. Not at all.

If there is a plan afoot to reduce the world’s population, the ones they will reduce are the drones. The ones who fall for all the hype and nonsense. The ones who will survive are the ones like me. Pains in the arse. A whole population of pains in the arse. Good luck trying to rule that lot.

They come up with 28 days of ‘Stoptober’, the pains in the arse come back with 30 days and counting of ‘Octabber’. They come up with plain packs, we come back with cigarette cases. They come up with minimum pricing for booze, we come back with totally unregulated rocket fuel (that plum wine has, I think, finally stopped fermenting at three weeks in). Every control they impose, we find a way around. They target us, it bounces off and hits their own drones.

As for the drones, this is where they are heading. Frightened of breath.

Because they believe it all.

Pity them? Nope. Torment them for a laugh? Yup. Well, it’s nearly Halloween. For this one, you don’t need a costume. Just take along a pack of smokes and a bottle of booze.



22 thoughts on “If I ruled the world…

  1. I seem to recall California, or a city in California, legislating mini flush toilets. It was a disaster and wasted more water than ever.


  2. Not sure if this is the EU – might be our own poliitical drones but the pressing issue up for discussion in Parliament is…….. jam. Apparently, we’d export more if there was less sugar in ours. Jam export – the secret to the UK recovery! Sing-a-long-now “Happy days are here again, dah dah dah da da…”


    • The sugar is there to reduce the availablity of water. At very high concentrations of sugar, bacteria can’t grow. They need water – and if all the water is tied up in dissolving sugar, none is available for the bacteria.

      Reduce the sugar content, water becomes available, bacteria go ballistic and jars start exploding – if you’re lucky.

      If you’re not lucky, the jar stays intact and you eat it…

      Low-sugar jam is a recipe for a spontaneous trouser disaster. Looks like I’ll have to learn how to make my own jam too.


  3. As I’m on a water meter I once tried reducing the flush volume to some silly recommended level and all the other water saving tips they want us to use (partly at the instigation of my house mate at the time). The toilet rapidly became a very unpleasant place, I now have a variable flush which lets the user choose how much water is needed for any given flush. Next years challenge is a lot more rain water harvesting for the garden, and keeping heading down the self sufficientish path for anything else they may want to ban. Got enough hops for quite a few gallons more beeer this year and it’s almost parsnip wine season


    • A girlfriend of mine had one in Sydney. There was a handle that you twisted.. When the job was done, you released. I sometimes see this mechanism in hotels in Europe.

      So instead of a government-mandated ISO/DIN flush, the user uses what he needs, no more, no less. Screw the authorities.

      If I encounter a water-saving lavatory, I’ll generally flush it twice just out of spite.


    • A friend of mine has two rain-water tanks the size of large sheds. But then he does live in a part of Wales where mains water can be unreliable.

      I found that Local Hippie Shop sells more than just the canned beer kits. They sell bags of hops and malted barley too. Proper beer brewing (or as near as I’ll get) is within reach again!

      I didn’t grow any parsnips, but parsnips are very cheap when they’ve started to ferment on their own.


  4. A few years back, San Francisco legislated to force people to install only low-flow toilets. By about 2011 the problems were becoming painfully obvious: the sewers were designed with a set crap to water ratio in mind, and the low-flow toilets didn’t flush enough water down to move crap along the sewers. However, this all happened (and is happening) in America, land of “Only Forwards” thinking. The water-saving policies cannot possibly have been a bad idea, so now the authorities are spending million of dollars on bleach to flush down their sewers, to try to purge the vile reek of hydrogen sulphide.

    As Leggy can no doubt attest, this is a gibberingly stupid idea. You get rid of sewage by settling most of the solids out, and aerobically digesting the sludge and watery wastes thus produced; this digestion is done by bacteria. If some muppet has added huge amounts of bleach to the input mix, you have to get rid of this somehow or the bacterial culture will fail, and you won’t get rid of your sewage at all.

    The best option is to mandate a minimum volume of water per flush, to restore the proper function of the sewers. As this is impossible for the bureaucratic mind to comprehend, the next best thing is a Victorian trick: sewer flushing systems. These work like the intermittant flush units on urinals; a trickle of water fills a tank which periodically lets out all its water in a rush, carrying residual sludge along a sewer.


    • Which it did every time it rained and all the run off from peoples gutters ran down the sewers. Not now though, all new builds for years now have to have rain water run off piped away separately to save the cost of treating the clean rainwater once it mixes with the sewage.


    • Bleach? That will mean untreated sewage, plus bleach, going straight into the river next to the sewage treatment plants. Whether they choose to release it or not, it’ll soon overflow. One destroyed sewage treatment plant and one ruined river, all for the sake of saving a pint per flush.

      The only crumb of humour, and it’s a big crumb, is that it’s the lunatic fringe of environmentalists who want this reduced flush to ‘save water’. They are going to cause decades of environmental ruination in the name of Save the Poo. I picture them like the philosophers in the Hitchhiker’s Guide who get the answer ’42’ from Deep Thought. A moment’s silence, then… ‘We’re gonna get lynched, you know?’

      The sewer flushing system would work – but would use the same, or more, water as letting everyone have a proper flush toilet.

      Or we could go back to nocturnal shouts of ‘Night soil’ and ‘Garde l’Eau!’

      Which seems to be the idea…


  5. In the formerly free United States, thankfully our Richers (perhaps they’re your Betters, they’re not mine) have decreed that toilets use no more than X amount of water (too lazy to look it up). Now I happen to think that one of the great benefits of civilization is the ability to flush away turds, rather than have them hang around stinking the joint up.

    When I added a bathroom I wanted one of the old American Standard thrones. One of those that releases a flood of water upon flush and takes the waste elsewhere. I looked about the countryside and found an abandoned house, then asked if I could salvage the toilet (people steal the copper wiring and pipes, but no self-respecting thief wants the toilet). Rebuild kits are dirt cheap and dead easy to use. Problem solved, for less than $15.


  6. Ah now, dear chap, the manure of the pelleted chicken is a delight for almost every plant. Anything fruity or vegetably will scream with delight as pelleted chicken dung seeps into the soil. Although we think of it as the manure of the pelleted chicken often the pelleted bird in question is Mr Turkey, hence “pelleted fowl manure” often featuring on the tub.

    I am surprised the animaloons haven’t yet latched onto the cruelty of chickens and turkeys being grown in pellets in order to satisfy the wicked greed of rhubarb growers for their dung.

    (FatBigot here but I can’t remember the password I used to log in)


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