Does exactly the opposite of what ASH put on the packaging.

I have never heard of Ronson cigarettes. Is this some fakery made up by someone who thought ‘Well they make lighters and flints so it stands to reason…’ or is it an attempt to cash in on the old Ronseal advert slogan?

Anyway, some bloke was caught selling Ronseal – no wait, Ronsons in a Wetherspoons and he had loads of them at home. He also had enough stocks of willie-stiffening pills to turn fifty men into a permanent set of scaffolding poles. When I was a kid we used to joke about needing lollipop sticks and a rubber band. Now that comes in tablet form.

The police found other terrible things.

During a police raid at the property, a Samurai sword, a dagger and an air rifle were discovered.

None of which are illegal to have in your house. And why is it always a Samurai sword? I have three, all ornamental and totally useless in a fight. I also have a Masonic ceremonial sword which is very nice but blunt (I’m not a Mason, the sword has someone else’s name on it and was made in Chicago). I have one which has a button on the handle which, when pressed, lets the double-ended blade slide through the handle. In fact, I have quite a few non-Samurai swords, all of which would be a far better choice in a fight. You break in and want to pick a sword to fight me with? You are going to pick the wrong sword. The pretty ones are rubbish, I’ll tap the blade out of the handle in a second. You pick the shiny one, I’ll take this tatty one.

Daggers are openly sold. You can have as many as you want. Even Riddick’s curvy knives (second one down). Air rifles, same. Take them outside and wave them around and you’ll get almost as much attention as someone with a camera these days – although camping with large knives, and a kid going through the streets with a (broken open or covered) airgun would not have got a second glance thirty years ago. Now? They find one in your house, even if it has never been fired, and you must be a criminal. They’ll even pretend it’s a real gun.

It’s not. Just as the ‘cigarettes were said to be counterfeit’ suggests they weren’t. I haven’t heard of that brand but if they were fake the Mail would have been screaming it out.

Then we have the ‘cost to the economy’ crap –

Estimates suggest Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs loses around £1.9billion of tax each year because of the huge trade in tobacco smuggling.

Aw, diddums. Did we price ourselves out of the market then? Do you expect smokers to give a crap? We are denormalised. The government, and the economy, have made it clear they don’t want us or our money. So stop whining that you aren’t getting it. You told us to fuck off. We fucked off. What is your problem now?

This one struck a chord though –

Coun Jacqui Beswick, from Rochdale council, said: ‘I would urge members of the public to report anything suspicious by phoning the citizens advice consumer service on 08454 04 05 06. Alternatively they can contact the police on 101.’

101? Orwell would be so proud.