One of the joys of Christmas (there aren’t many, mostly it’s a Hell of cheery bastards doing no work, shops closing for a religion they don’t believe in on a day that is important to a different religion they’ve never heard of and idiots asking for money for no good reason that I can see… bah humbug)… where was I? Oh yes, one of the joys of Christmas is taking the cute and innocent and totally altering its meaning with a few words. This is the only reason I ever buy and send any Christmas cards at all. I’m not going to scan them all, so here are a few of my favourites for this year.
A lovely pastoral scene, two robins admiring a snowman, no doubt the product of delightful children who live carefree and happy lives in the big house. The captions inside the variants of this card read –
“Don’t be fooled. He looks friendly, but he’s three cats in a suit.”
“If he doesn’t stop that stupid grinning and waving I’m going to shit on his hat again.”
“I see he’s still pissed off about the carrot. How was I to know it was his nose?”
“I can’t wait for spring. Damn, I hate that snowman.”
There were others, I can’t remember every one, just the ones I was sober for. Moving on…
“Snow-vet had found that the best way to get a rectal thermometer into Rudolf was to pretend he had bought him a new nose.”
” ‘Distracting Rudolf with a shiny present would have worked,’ thought the snow-perv, ‘if only I had thought to warm my fingers first’.”
Again, there were others, but I think those were the best ones. And finally:
“I thought about leaving presents but I think I’ll just ram the lantern through their letterbox instead.”
“Heh. I sneaked in, filled my sack and sneaked out again and they never heard a thing.”
“Bastards don’t have a chimney. How do I make my targets now?”
“Hey kids, you want to feel Santa’s sack?”
“I’m just going to creep into some small children’s bedrooms. How’s about that then, guys and gals? Whoops – I mean Ho ho ho.”
“This job is getting dangerous since the white-haired perv was outed. I’ve been beaten up more times than the year when the elves covered my suit in glitter.”
“Here we go then, presents for all, and if there’s no mince pie and sherry they get an extra present – a steamy brown coiled one in the middle of the carpet.”
“HahaHAAA! I must have drunk about fifty bottles of sherry by now. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing any more, What’s this bloody sack all about, eh? What’s it all about? I mean, what is it all about, you know what I mean? Rudolf, I fucking love you, man.”
Ah yes, the true spirit of Christmas. What it really is all about, at all levels. Corruption.
A twisted take on the story of Santa and his elves. All is not well at the North Pole. A very short story but well written and well edited. The ending really makes you think, what if……………..
Not a story for young children. While there is no actual violence, etc, it is implied. Santa is not the kind, happy role model we grew up with. The elves do not treat Santa well. .
This story could spoil the magic of Christmas for children.
Yeah. It could. I do love it when a reviewer ‘gets it’, don’t you?
Happy Humbug day to all, and fear not, I am not glued to the computer. This post is on a timer because I rarely get two days off in a row so will be making the most of the drink and might not be awake when you read this. If I am awake, I will not be in typing mood because my fingers may well be drunk. They go out clubbing while I sleep.
Now, I have whisky to deal with. It’s not going to drink itself.