Christmas corruptions.

One of the joys of Christmas (there aren’t many, mostly it’s a Hell of cheery bastards doing no work, shops closing for a religion they don’t believe in on a day that is important to a different religion they’ve never heard of and idiots asking for money for no good reason that I can see… bah humbug)… where was I? Oh yes, one of the joys of Christmas is taking the cute and innocent and totally altering its meaning with a few words. This is the only reason I ever buy and send any Christmas cards at all. I’m not going to scan them all, so here are a few of my favourites for this year.

robinsA lovely pastoral scene, two robins admiring a snowman, no doubt the product of delightful children who live carefree and happy lives in the big house. The captions inside the variants of this card read –

“Don’t be fooled. He looks friendly, but he’s three cats in a suit.”

“If he doesn’t stop that stupid grinning and waving I’m going to shit on his hat again.”

“I see he’s still pissed off about the carrot. How was I to know it was his nose?”

“I can’t wait for spring. Damn, I hate that snowman.”

There were others, I can’t remember every one, just the ones I was sober for. Moving on…

snowmanThis one is so sweet it makes my teeth hurt. This card should carry a warning that it could cause diabetes. Let’s caption it.

“Snow-vet had found that the best way to get a rectal thermometer into Rudolf was to pretend he had bought him a new nose.”

” ‘Distracting Rudolf with a shiny present would have worked,’ thought the snow-perv, ‘if only I had thought to warm my fingers first’.”

Again, there were others, but I think those were the best ones. And finally:

santaThe man himself. The strange old man with a sack who creeps into small children’s bedrooms late at night. It looks so innocent, doesn’t it? This one is a goldmine.

“I thought about leaving presents but I think I’ll just ram the lantern through their letterbox instead.”

“Heh. I sneaked in, filled my sack and sneaked out again and they never heard a thing.”

“Bastards don’t have a chimney. How do I make my targets now?”

“Hey kids, you want to feel Santa’s sack?”

“I’m just going to creep into some small children’s bedrooms. How’s about that then, guys and gals? Whoops – I mean Ho ho ho.”

“This job is getting dangerous since the white-haired perv was outed. I’ve been beaten up more times than the year when the elves covered my suit in glitter.”

“Here we go then, presents for all, and if there’s no mince pie and sherry they get an extra present – a steamy brown coiled one in the middle of the carpet.”

“HahaHAAA! I must have drunk about fifty bottles of sherry by now. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing any more, What’s this bloody sack all about, eh? What’s it all about? I mean, what is it all about, you know what I mean? Rudolf, I fucking love you, man.”

Ah yes, the true spirit of Christmas. What it really is all about, at all levels. Corruption.

There is another cause for my personal jollity. A recent review on one of the free tales on Barnes and Noble (the free tale is free here too) read thusly:

A twisted take on the story of Santa and his elves. All is not well at the North Pole. A very short story but well written and well edited. The ending really makes you think, what if……………..

Not a story for young children. While there is no actual violence, etc, it is implied. Santa is not the kind, happy role model we grew up with. The elves do not treat Santa well. .

This story could spoil the magic of Christmas for children.

Yeah. It could. I do love it when a reviewer ‘gets it’, don’t you?

Happy Humbug day to all, and fear not, I am not glued to the computer. This post is on a timer because I rarely get two days off in a row so will be making the most of the drink and might not be awake when you read this. If I am awake, I will not be in typing mood because my fingers may well be drunk. They go out clubbing while I sleep.

Now, I have whisky to deal with. It’s not going to drink itself.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Christmas corruptions.

  1. No need for corrupting captions, the Xmasy Robin Red Breast looking for all the snowy world as if butter-pastry mince pies wouldn’t melt in it’s beak is infact the Hannibal Lector of garden birds – or as dear Ol Woollypeedia would have us believe : “Male Robins are noted for their highly aggressive territorial behaviour. They will attack other males that stray into their territories, and have been observed attacking other small birds without apparent provocation. Such attacks sometimes lead to fatalities, accounting for up to 10% of adult Robin deaths in some areas”

    Like

    • Gary Larson had a great take on songbirds in one of his cartoons. Translated, all those pretty songs were saying ‘Get out of it!’ ‘Clear off’ and similar.

      I’ve only seen one robin (at a time) in my garden, although last year there was a pitched batle between two male blackbirds that lasted about a month.

      Like

      • If you think robins are bad, then you ought to take a look at steamer ducks. These are a weird group of duck species which have secondarily adapted their wings into weapons; the main distal joint is massively hypertrophied into a sort of bony club. It makes a twisted sort of sense; the wing muscles are the biggest in a bird’s body.

        Steamer duck courtship consists mostly of the resident male beating up other males, or if they’re smart enough to stay out of the way then it seems like any other bird species will do just as well; thrashing the hell out of a harmless mallard (and usually killing it by beating it to death) is an turn-on for female steamer ducks.

        This in turn causes a phenomenon on South American lakes known as mass panicks; steamer ducks have a very characteristic style of swimming that they use for sneaking up on other wildlife, which consists of almost completely submerging and trying as hard as they can not to be seen. If they are seen, the usual response of all other birds in the area is to depart at speed (steamer ducks have reduced wings, and are poor fliers; pretty much everything else on the lakes they inhabit can out-fly them, especially when a steamer duck has just tried sneaking up on them).

        Steamer ducks are even highly aggressive in captivity, and keepers tend to learn to be wary of them, especially in the breeding season.

        Like

  2. Just one word – curmudgeon.
    But what a brilliant word ! The Oxford English Dictionary notes that it is first in use in 1500, but comes from who knows where. What a language we speak, that has words we understand that almost seem spireted from out of the air !

    Like

First comments are moderated to keep the spambots out. Once your first comment is approved, you're in.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s