High in the deep.

Dolphins, apparently, get stoned by sucking a puffer fish.

(You might need to read that line a few times to appreciate the delightful absurdity – but it’s true!)

The dolphins were filmed gently playing with the puffer, passing it between each other for 20 to 30 minutes at a time, unlike the fish they had caught as prey which were swiftly torn apart.

They don’t kill the puffer fish. They don’t even hurt it. They pass it around like a spliff and get stoned on the toxins it releases. Even underwater, the term ‘taking a puff’ applies.

How long before the NHS dip screens in the water to show the dolphins how they risk fin rot, black blood, droopy tails and blow-holes that suck because of their habit? Soon there will be mackerel lining up to complain about having to swim through second hand dolphin dope on the way to the trawler nets. Fish-eaters beware! That lovely lemon sole could be coated in third hand puffer-puffs!

Puffer fish will be taxed and puffing will be banned in all enclosed spaces, such as the ruined buildings of Atlantis and Poseidon’s sea caves. The evil puffer fish will be fined for dealing drugs with dolphins. A cunning octopus will invent ElectroPuffer, which will be instantly villified by the anchovies who are selling stick-on puff-patches.

Far-fetched? We have a government who thinks Thomas the Tank Engine controls the employment policies of real railways and who believe they can control the Internet. China has tried and failed to do that for years. Those who want to get out, still get out. It’s not even hard.

I wondered whether they were searching for a reason to ban Thomas the Tank Engine without admitting that it’s because of the fat cigar-smoking controller who appears in every book. It wouldn’t surprise me.

Even dolphins get drugged up once in a while. Cows can do it too. They are built around a rumen, a big fermentation vessel, and if they eat the right stuff that fermentation turns alcoholic. Cows can get plastered on nothing more than spring grass. Lucky sods.

No booze for me tonight (well, maybe just one) because of the horrible early start tomorrow. Soon this festive period will be over and I can get back to normal working time for a while.

Only for a while. I am in serious danger of promotion, which will be another raft of changes. It’s my own fault, I shouldn’t have brought the place up to laboratory standard.