Fear not, I am not here to bury Caesar but to.. hang on. I’m not here at all. Where am I?
Oh yes. It is early in the evening as I type this, I am only practicing. The remaining Penderyn has been put away in a place I will forget soon because to drink it tonight would be such a waste. This is on a timer since by the time you read it I will be legless. Oh wait… oh, never mind. Keep it simple.
So here we go again. Another year of lunacy and stupidity looms. This one will be madder than the last one and possibly more violent. I will be avoiding the violence because violence causes bruising and bleeding and possible death, none of which appeal to me at all. The lunacy and stupidity I will not avoid. Those things are there to be tormented with words and it’s just too funny to resist. There will be new games to play with the drones this year.
The word must spread this year that New Yorkers are scared of steam and that’s why they keep voting for Bloomers, the mayor named after old ladies’ underwear and who is almost as attractive. They voted for it, show no mercy.
The Cameroid will invite millions more benefit tourists to our shores while Labour insist that their original idea was a bad one and that it’s now a Tory idea and the Cameroid will do nothing to prove them wrong. Little Clegg will be a total dick and get a dicksucker’s job at the EU – that doesn’t really count as a prediction because it’s like predicting the sun will come up tomorrow. He will be replaced by Vinnie the Wire and the Libby Dhimmis will go into a death spiral to poll below the Church of the Militant Elvis.
If you’re Muslim or a Gypsy, watch out this year. Things are going to get nasty. If you’re gay, watch out. If you are from Eastern Europe, even if you’re Polish and have been here since your fathers flew Spitfires and Hurricanes to help us win against the Nazis, watch out. The Nazis are back and they are, just like last time, socialists. All you favoured groups were favoured for a reason and that reason is simple – it’s to turn the drones against you.
Oh, it’s nothing personal. They don’t hate you. They don’t care about you at all. They set you up to distract the drones from what they are really up to. While we fight amongst ourselves they can pass any laws they like, and that was always the point. A hates B so we introduce controls on B. B hates A so we introduce controls on A. Then everyone is controlled. Nobody even notices because they are too busy hand-waving and fake-coughing in the smoking area in gale force winds and snow.
It was easy to take control. It will not be easy to take it back.
But it could be a lot of fun. If you have a cruel, merciless streak and would really like to scare a drone to death.
Happy New Year. I’m pretty sure I’ll have one. When the hangover wears off…