Not today. Well, not as far as I know. One day though, I will die. So will you. I have made no preparations for this because when I’m dead I won’t give any more of a damn than I do now. If possible, I will give less of a damn.
So far I have no signs of death. The whisky flows freely through my veins, the smoke goes in and out of my lungs as normal. Last time I saw a local doctor, some years back, his first words were ‘I haven’t seen you before’. My response was ‘You were still in school last time I came here’. Last time I was there was for adult acne in my thirties. If you have that, go there. They have stuff that really works.
He has not seen me again. He couldn’t find anything wrong with me despite my answers to his ‘do you smoke or drink’ questions being off the scale. Oh I had all the tests. Smokers and drinkers always get all the tests. Not a thing wrong. The only medication offered was Champix and I told him he could prescribe it if it helped with his funding but I’d flush the lot. He decided not to bother. I gave him a signed copy of ‘Jessica’s Trap’ as compensation for his disappointment.
Today it is reported that the NHS is letting very old people die. The bad news for the old is… that is what you are supposed to do. It sounds harsh I know, but as an over-50 myself I m in your range too. I have seen people younger than me die. Of brain haemorraghes and cancer and heart attack, and all of them non smokers and non drinkers. Anyone can do it. In the end, everyone does. If you get past half a century, you must know it’s coming any day now.
At my age I would not accept any cancer treatment. If I was young and had small children I would probably try to hang on but nobody depends on me. If I manage to get to 75 (not entirely likely) I will be amazed. No, I will not accept a year or ten of horrible side effects. I’d take the painkillers maybe. Most likely I’d self-medicate with whisky, it’s more fun and tastes better.
Months of going out in a blaze is far more appealing to me than years in a drugged haze.
Then I’d be back. Neither Heaven nor Hell would take me in so I’m a trainee poltertgeist. It gives me something to strive for.
One day I will die. So will everybody else. If there is anything afterwards, I’ll be back.
I will not go out in a drug haze. It’s strange that the NHS delivers exactly that while deriding those who do it for themselves. No, I will go as I have lived.