Who thought of this?

And where can I get a few bottles of whatever he’s drinking?

Blimey. I’ve heard of being aroused from slumber but this is taking it a bit too literally. It must be like having your very own seventies’ DJ in your bed. Can the alarm be programmed to yodel and say ‘How’s about that then?’

Maybe it could play the Benny Hill theme or Sid James’ dirty laugh. Maybe Kenneth Williams’ ‘Ooooh, no, stop messin’ about’. Maybe that Seventies terrible guitar backing for fuzzy porn films that sounded like it was played by a guy with the requisite downturned moustache, using the moustache to strum while shagging a waa-waa pedal.

Seriously though, who the hell thought this up and how drunk was the company CEO who passed it to the marketing department? No need to ask how drunk Marketing were. They have a two drink minimum in there. They’ll sell anything.

Can you imagine these on the shelves of an electrical gadget store, next to the headphones that are actually earplugs that won’t stay in, the things with dials on the front that nobody really knows what to do with and the DVD rewinders? You could torment a spotty teenage shop assistant to the edge of madness by asking for more and more details. And a demonstration.

You could make American football interesting by installing one in every player’s jockstrap and setting the alarms to all go off mid-game. Or maybe at fifteen second intervals, so the rest of the players look confused when the first one falls shrieking to the ground. See if the last one can work out what’s happening before his alarm goes off. Now that’s real sport.

Do they have a snooze button so you can save some for later?

If I see any woman wearing a big smile when she arrives at work, I am going to wonder how she woke.

So are you, now.

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5 thoughts on “Who thought of this?

  1. Doubtless the censors will ensure that the product descriptions merely contain coy and ambiguous allusions to the intended function rather than an explicit description.

    Given the less-than-discriminating search function of online shopping sites and the number of slightly bemused older relatives looking for eye-catching gadget gifts for teenagers – an alarm clock? That’s a good idea! – there should be some interesting conversations around this year’s Christmas trees.

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  2. It’s described as a,”clock-CUM-vibrator”! (They could have left out the L too.)
    Perhaps they’ll make a “napkin-ring” version for men?

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