That’ll show them!

Jelly Belly make all sorts of flavours of jelly beans. I haven’t had a bag of those for years. They’ve also been doing cocktail flavours for some time.

These, and all other, sugary treats are in the sights of the Righteous. Apparently if a child sees them, all his teeth will fall out and his abdomen will balloon into a miniature Prescott. He will become uncontrollably hyperactive but you will need to be an Expert to identify this, because he’s now too fat to move. At least he can’t bite you.

Jelly Belly’s level of concern for the trivial whinings of the Righteous is amply demonstrated by their latest invention – beer flavoured jelly beans.

Naturally they were asked The Question:

We asked Duncan if the product could give children a taste for beer.

Well what if it does? They can’t buy any real beer until they are 18 anyway. It doesn’t matter how much they like it, they can’t have any. Those who have a trained adult to buy their booze are unlikely to bother with beer flavoured sweets. In the meantime, kids are allowed canned shandy made with 99% lemonade and a hint of weak beer, from which they will absorb less alcohol than they’d get by washing their hands with antibacterial gel. That shandy is a drink. It tastes (vaguely) of beer. It’s actually quite pleasant on a hot day and has no intoxicating effect on anyone at all. It’s a damn sight closer to beer than any jelly bean, no matter how amazing the flavour.

I’m disappointed that that was not Jelly Belly’s answer, but no company wants to invite the wrath of the Righteous. Look what they have done to the pubs who were on their own side, and who supported the smoking ban and demanded its extension to clubs!

There is no need to aim the marketing at the 20-plus age group. It is a jelly bean. You are not going to get drunk on it. Never. Even if you injected each one with vodka. They are too small to hold much and you’d get sick of eating jelly beans long before you got drunk.

Oh, I hope some kids do get hold of some and take them to school. The Mail reporters would hardly be able to typo! There would be Questions in Parliament (mostly ‘Where do you get these, and can we get discount ones in our cheap bars?’, I suspect).

I’ll buy some when they are available. I like the idea of beer flavoured sweets. Once, in a little place called Dunoon, I experienced Drambuie flavoured ice cream. Wonderful. I’ve never seen it again.

Booze flavoured sweets to go with smoke flavoured whisky and a pipe full of whisky flavoured smoke.

Listen. Hear that high pitched squeak? That’s a thousand Righteous anuses puckering in Olympic-standard synchrony.

If Jelly Belly could make Ardbeg flavour, we’d have the taste of sugar, booze and smoke in one tiny package of horror.

I’d put salt on it. Just to finish the job.



21 thoughts on “That’ll show them!

  1. Well, I used to eat beer-flavoured jellies when i was little and now I drink 30 pints a week! Is there a connection? No. Otherwise, I’d be drinking vodka jellies. I think the ‘gateway’ for me was discovering partying-like-a-demon when I was 17. I needed the booze to take the edge off the cheap speed.


    • 17? Late starter.

      I was once carried home unconscious from a Young Farmer’s meeting (they were all like that, pretty much, but this was a big one) at 16.

      At 17, one idiot asked me in the pub ‘So, when are you 18?’. Fortunately no staff overheard.

      The only time I was ever asked for proof of age in the pub was when I was 23. And they say smoking makes you look old…


  2. ” Apparently if a child sees them, all his teeth will fall out ”

    Actually, I believe the study they’re working on will show that if a pregnant woman sees Jelly Belly candies then all of her children’s teeth will fall out.

    Of course, while they’ll never mention it in the news stories, they’ll arrive at that conclusion by taking pregnant rats, cutting off their eyelids so they can never avoid the sight, and filling their vision with jelly bellies for months while simultaneously starving them. Then they’ll kill the moms, cut them open, yank out the fetuses, yank out the “proto-teeth-roots” of the fetuses, soak them in jelly belly chemical concentrates, and note that there’s a small chemical change similar to that seen in older men with tooth decay.



    – MJM


    • Yes, the child will grow both the milk teeth and adult teeth and shed the lot while still in the womb. This will make childbirth even more painful than usual and if it’s a quick birth, the midwife might lose an eye. It’ll be like a shotgun down there.

      Don’t look at sugar, pregnant women! Especially booze-flavoured sugar!


  3. Once again, for anyone who missed it.

    29 Aug 2004

    “The idea for this ice-cream came from a colleague, Xanthe Clay, who demonstrated her own tobacco ice-cream recipe at a London fair.

    10g pipe tobacco (I use Condor original);
    300ml milk;
    300ml double cream;
    175g golden caster sugar;
    3 large free-range egg yolks

    Bring a pan of water to the boil, then add the tobacco and bring back to the boil. Boil for one minute, then drain through a sieve and rinse under the cold tap.

    Place the milk and cream in another pan and bring slowly to the boil. Once just about boiling, remove from the heat and add the tobacco, cover and leave to infuse for ten minutes, no more. Sieve the mixture into a jug, discarding the tobacco.

    Beat the sugar and yolks together, then add some of the warm cream, stirring well. Pour into the jug and stir until combined. Return to a clean pan and cook over a low heat, stirring, until thickened to the consistency of single cream (it thickens as it cools). This will take ten to 15 minutes.

    Pour into a jug, cover tightly and cool. Once cold, churn in a machine – or pour into a plastic container and place in the freezer, whisking every couple of hours until it sets. ”

    Page now unavailable – good thing I copied it out.


  4. “Once, in a little place called Dunoon, I experienced Drambuie flavoured ice cream. Wonderful. I’ve never seen it again.”

    I often pour some Drambuie, Kahlua, Galliano, Tia Maria, or other liqueur, over vanilla ice cream. Lovely.


  5. Pingback: OMG There's a Jelly Belly BEER Flavor - That'll...

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