Jelly Belly make all sorts of flavours of jelly beans. I haven’t had a bag of those for years. They’ve also been doing cocktail flavours for some time.
These, and all other, sugary treats are in the sights of the Righteous. Apparently if a child sees them, all his teeth will fall out and his abdomen will balloon into a miniature Prescott. He will become uncontrollably hyperactive but you will need to be an Expert to identify this, because he’s now too fat to move. At least he can’t bite you.
Jelly Belly’s level of concern for the trivial whinings of the Righteous is amply demonstrated by their latest invention – beer flavoured jelly beans.
Naturally they were asked The Question:
We asked Duncan if the product could give children a taste for beer.
Well what if it does? They can’t buy any real beer until they are 18 anyway. It doesn’t matter how much they like it, they can’t have any. Those who have a trained adult to buy their booze are unlikely to bother with beer flavoured sweets. In the meantime, kids are allowed canned shandy made with 99% lemonade and a hint of weak beer, from which they will absorb less alcohol than they’d get by washing their hands with antibacterial gel. That shandy is a drink. It tastes (vaguely) of beer. It’s actually quite pleasant on a hot day and has no intoxicating effect on anyone at all. It’s a damn sight closer to beer than any jelly bean, no matter how amazing the flavour.
I’m disappointed that that was not Jelly Belly’s answer, but no company wants to invite the wrath of the Righteous. Look what they have done to the pubs who were on their own side, and who supported the smoking ban and demanded its extension to clubs!
There is no need to aim the marketing at the 20-plus age group. It is a jelly bean. You are not going to get drunk on it. Never. Even if you injected each one with vodka. They are too small to hold much and you’d get sick of eating jelly beans long before you got drunk.
Oh, I hope some kids do get hold of some and take them to school. The Mail reporters would hardly be able to typo! There would be Questions in Parliament (mostly ‘Where do you get these, and can we get discount ones in our cheap bars?’, I suspect).
I’ll buy some when they are available. I like the idea of beer flavoured sweets. Once, in a little place called Dunoon, I experienced Drambuie flavoured ice cream. Wonderful. I’ve never seen it again.
Booze flavoured sweets to go with smoke flavoured whisky and a pipe full of whisky flavoured smoke.
Listen. Hear that high pitched squeak? That’s a thousand Righteous anuses puckering in Olympic-standard synchrony.
If Jelly Belly could make Ardbeg flavour, we’d have the taste of sugar, booze and smoke in one tiny package of horror.
I’d put salt on it. Just to finish the job.