The barrage of Righteousness against energy drinks continues. They are now a gateway to smoking and hard drugs.
Yes indeed, if your child gets hold of one of these drinks, you can be sure that within a year they will be living in the gutter, surrounded by empty bottles, oblivious to the world around them, arms covered in needle jabs and fag-ash and unaware that they have repeatedly soiled themselves.
This is wonderful news. The link to smoking just adds to the credibility of the nicotinic acid game. Rose pointed out a while back that the Puritans didn’t want it added to bread in case it encouraged smoking – and here it is again, added to energy drinks and the kids who drink it become smokers! All we need do is give them the name of the chemical, they are already doing all the rest for us.
Thyey’ve linked everything in the drone-mind. Red Bull today, Red Stripe tomorrow. A can of fizz today, a fifty-a-day smoking habit tomorrow. Breathe in steam and you will develop an uncontrollable urge to smoke. Popping Smarties leads to popping pills. Why, I’ll bet every single intravenous drug user has had an inoculation. That’s where they first experience their love of needles. Everyone knows that… or soon will. Then parents will refuse inoculations for their sprogs in much higher numbers than they do now. ‘Obesity epidemic’? Ha! Here, have some proper ones.
At this rate I’ll have to change my name to Pestilence and learn to ride a horse. Of course, it’s a little unfair that, over the course of a career at the dangerous end of microbiology, I have been inoculated against just about everything but them’s the breaks.
The link between bread and smoking is an old one, all they need is a reminder. Do you eat bread every day? Well, there you go, you see. You’re a nicotine addict, just like any smoker. Not to worry, I’m producing bread patches to help you kick your doughy addiction. What do you mean, it looks like a slice of Mother’s Pride and duct tape? I’ll have you know it took almost half an hour of research to develop this highly technical medication. It works, too. Just stick one over each eye and you can’t find your sandwiches.
I like those energy drinks. I learned the hard way not to drink too many of them, after three 500 ml cans of the stuff and still up at 5 am with chest pains, surfing the internet at light speed but achieving nothing at all. Yes, I still like them, but only the little tins, limited intake and never at night. They are good at the start of a long and dull shift of cleaning but no use if you have to use your brain in any kind of focused way, if you want steady hands for fine-detail model work or if you have any desire at all to get some sleep.
For the record, I was drinking and smoking long before these drinks appeared. My caffeine intake has varied over the years, it’s now confined to cans of chemical fizz and espressos, so pretty high, I suppose. There was a week in Marseille that was work related, the options were coffee or beer, and beer would have affected work. Pernod or absinthe would have stopped work altogether. When I came back home I couldn’t find coffee strong enough. Then there were a few years of being decaffeinated, after spending time in China where they didn’t have any coffee. That was work too. Unfortunately it did involve a drinking session with Chinese pig farmers which I don’t remember very much about at all, except there was a thinly sliced dog on the table. Oh, and ‘Gam-be’. They catch your eye, raise their glass and say that word and you both have to down whatever’s in your glass. Well, when in Rome…
So for me at least, caffeine hasn’t led me to anything. The smoking and drinking were there first. I haven’t tried hard drugs because I need my brain for work. Perhaps in retirement.
Interpreting the study correctly reveals that, in fact, caffeine has not led anyone to anything – other than unfocused hyperactivity.
What they really found was that those kids willing to take risks and experiment were the ones most likely to try energy drinks – and also the ones most likely to try booze, smokes and drugs. In other words, if energy drinks were not available, they would have tried something else anyway. Snorting glue or butane, probably. Those things can kill far faster than fizz with caffeine in it, and I haven’t heard of any glue or butane stories since the energy drinks appeared. Maybe the caffeine high replaced the other two. So take the drinks away and…
Well, if they disappear, I still have my espresso machine here. I could make a fortune with a little espresso van at the school gates. I’d stock antidepressants for the teachers too. With the kids filled with espresso doppio on the way in, they’ll need them.
And I’ll guarantee not to add any nicotinic acid. I’d have to – they’ll be scared shitless of it by then.
With any luck.