Waterworld.

I liked that film. The Smokers were the bad guys but they had an endless supply of tobacco in a world with little to no soil to grow it in. They also owned all of the oil on the planet and were the only ones not living a Middle Ages lifestyle. Thus proving that smokers are almost miraculously resourceful.

I also liked Prometheus. Not the greatest in literary terms, a few silly plot holes (the aliens weren’t trying to destroy humanity, they were trying to contain a bioweapon that had gone wild and were looking for help). Still, an enjoyable space romp with smoking allowed on board and a ship well stocked with booze. But this is all beside the point.

The weather here in the north of Scotland is hovering around the freezing mark. It was just below today, but not by much. This is perfectly normal for February, I’m just glad there’s no snow. In all, so far, it has been one of the milder winters. The only real downside is that it usually means a shitty summer.

There has been a hell of a lot of rain and wind though. I’m lucky I live halfway up a hill. Those nice riverside properties are looking less attractive by the day, and the mountain snow hasn’t melted into the rivers yet. Even so, no major floods, no massive wind damage aside from a few trees down here and there, and no reports of railways or roads falling into the sea.

Large parts of the US seem to be entering an ice age. So are parts of Europe. All those anti-warming taxes are definitely working then. Vlad the Inhaler should have imposed big green taxes on the site of the Winter Olympics to encourage snow. He doesn’t have any. He’ll have the warmest Winter Olympics ever. The most popular event will be synchronised dumping – at least he has the paired toilets already in place. Strange that he is so anti-gay and yet builds loads of rooms where men can take their trousers down together. Just picture Julian Clary saying ‘Someone’s in the closet…” Actually two someones, in the same water closet. Perhaps it’s the Olympic cottaging event? Seriously, when your name is Put-in, you really have to stay away from anything involving any kind of sexual innuendo. Does anyone else think the word ‘innuendo’ could be construed as an innuendo, or is it just the Italian genes speaking (and waving their little hands about)?

In the south of the UK, there is much more weather than up here. Much more weather than anyone really needs. Large parts of the country are entirely submerged. That has nothing to do with global warming, the pet project of the next King Charles who is going to cause what the first one did because he’s just as barmy. It is due to a band of idiots who think they know best.

Yep. Government. Specifically, the Environment Agency who believe the best way to protect ground-dwelling wildlife and ground-nesting birds is to not dredge rivers and thereby drown the lot. Because it is Evil to kill a few badgers by shooting at them but Green to kill the entire population with a flood. If only they had taught the badgers about the Ark.

But then they don’t even tell children where the Ark story comes from any more, so what chance did the badgers have?

Apparently the solution to the flooding is to charge the rich more for flood insurance but not pay out when they get flooded, because their houses cost too much. So… they think these rich people will pay huge premiums for insurance that won’t pay out if they ever need it? It will be enforced. Kray Twins plc is not only still in business, it’s now in charge.

I always thought I was unfortunate to always live in places that were lumpy, and that it would be so much easier to get around on flat land. It turns out I’ve been very lucky because I’ve never lived anywhere that was flooded. The worst I’ve ever had to contend with was damp.

Cameron says his rapid response team, Cobra, is working flat out even though there is little sign of activity. That’s because he called it after a reptile. Reptiles perceive time depending on temperature. When it’s cold, they operate at a much slower pace of time than the warm-blooded world. They might think they are acting in a matter of hours but to the outside world, they are hardly moving for months. Perhaps he should have called it after a different reptile. Slow-worm, maybe.

Meanwhile, in Northamptonshire, your elected superiors once again demonstrate their wisdom in spending your money…

No wonder they won’t let us have guns.