Food for Valentines.

No Smoky-Drinky this weekend. One of the Secret Ninja Cleaners has left us, so we are all working extra time again until we find a replacement. I have drawn the early shift on Sunday so will be retiring early tomorrow night, soberish. Well, it’s good news for the bank balance for a while but no holidays and permanent knackeredness is the order for the forseeable future.

We don’t pay enough to attract people who can earn more for doing nothing, and I don’t blame them. If I could bear to have nasty, filthy, screaming crap-machines around the place I could also sink into the quagmire of bennies.

No I couldn’t. The housebound inactivity would drive me insane.

Still, I don’t blame the benefits tourists. If someone said “Hey look – free house, free money, you don’t have to do a thing and we’ll protect your ‘culture’ too, innit?” who wouldn’t be tempted? Especially those who currently live in a shithole full of people who hate them. I don’t blame them for taking advantage of a bunch of morons willing to give them everything for free. I blame the morons.

But this is getting into downer mode again. It’s time to wish everyone Happy VD.  I hope you are enjoying / have all enjoyed your VD, depending on your time zone? It’s the day when lovers share their VD in intimate circumstances.

Ahem. Valentine’s Day. You filthy minded pervs.

Don’t scratch. You’ll just make it worse.

Anyway, it’s too late for the UK but you rebel colonists in the USA can still prepare a wonderful VD meal for the one with a special place in your infections affections.

Here you go. A couple of recipes for you. Don’t overcook this one, it can turn into rubber if you do. Healthy, low-fat (unless it’s from a permanently pissed or seriously obese ox) and sliced into delicate nibbles, they won’t know what it is until you tell them – while holding a bucket in front of them. Just in case.

In the spirit of this romantic occasion, I also suggest a little ditty you can play in the background during dinner. Happy VD, everyone!

Don’t forget to sing along with the chorus –

Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balinitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Interstitital keratitis
Syphilitic choronditis
And anterior uveitis


11 thoughts on “Food for Valentines.

    • I have the same venom for any occasion that involves buying and sending bits of printed card at inflated cost – both for the card and the postage. Then the cynicism of insisting that only a red rose will do in February, when rose bushes are dormant and the only option is to pay an inflated price.

      The same treatment is meted out for Christmas and Easter. There is an Easter short story in the works, but I have never managed a good Valentine’s Day one. My approach to that would be the psychotic lover who genuinely believes they will impress a prospective mate with a casually horrific act or two. It could begin with that old English love spell that involves nailing a heart (a real one) to the door of the object of lust. Naturally, things would go downhill from there. The difficulty is avoiding cliche – the ‘normal’ friend who takes care of the distraught target turns out to be the nutter after all. Done and done again, so this one has to have really blatant indications but in such a way that the target doesn’t realise. It’s waiting for inspiration.

      They are all old Pagan festivals co-opted first by Christianity and then by Commercialism.

      Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and soon Divorce Anniversary and Stepmother and Stepfather’s Day and then Two Dads Day and Two Mums Day… there is no end to it. I have seen cards in the past worded something along the lines of ‘Happy Anniversary, Mum and That Bloke in Our House’ intended to be sent by children of the remarried.

      If he lived today, Ebenezer Scrooge would have needed a hell of a lot of humbugs.


  1. I hate the creeping Americanism of referring to it as “Valentines”. It’s Valentine’s Day or Saint Valentine’s Day.
    (turns over and goes back to sleep)


  2. ” Especially those who currently live in a shithole full of people who hate them”

    The word ‘hate’ hardly covers it. Eastern Europe’s- in general and Rumania in particular -treatment of Roma/Sinti was, and largely remains, stomach turning (it takes a fair bit to turn my stomach) and would make Mengele vomit. A better word would be ‘genocide’. No one here, in the UK, has ever heard much about it but by rights we (Western EU) should be sending trains and planes eastwards to rescue them all -like we didn’t do with the Jews . I, for one, am perfectly happy to see the taxes I don’t pay used to help keep them here in the UK and would have no problem living next to them. Rather our money went to them than to cASH et al.


    • Yup, love ’em or not, travellers, of whatever stripe can show us a thing or two about Libertarianism. Giving a feck is what they do, having a grand old time too. My local is currently infested with golf playing pub crawlers of the travelling kind. They’re ok, on their way soon, having fun as they go.

      What is Liberalism, being Liberated to. Or Liberated from?


  3. I’m not a great fan of gypos. Had some bad experiences with travelling folk back in the 70’s. Perhaps I shouldn’t generalise or stereotype but in this instance I’m willing to take a punt: Here goes: ‘filthy, thieving, drunken, illiterate thieving gypo bastards.’ I know I said thieving twice, but I’m on a roll..


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