First rule of Smoky-Drinky.

Don’t tell everyone you meet about Smoky-Drinky.

At least, not until you’ve sounded them out.

I’ve now met quite a few smokers who claim to be happy with the smoking ban. They are a minority among smokers but not hard to find because they are noisy. These people say things like ‘Oh, it’s a nuisance to have to go outside but pubs are much nicer now’.

Do they still go to pubs? ‘Oh yes, although not at the moment. It’s really cold and wet but when it’s nice, I still go to the pub.’

So that’s a no, then. Days when it’s nice to be outside are uncommon here, north of Aberdeen. Certainly not common enough to keep a pub in business. They aren’t going to pubs – or they are going rarely.

These people don’t get told about Smoky-Drinky either. They are smokers who don’t want to smoke but believe they are addicted so keep smoking anyway. They are not Smoky-Drinkers. I never mention Smoky-Drinky to them and absolutely would not invite them because I would fully expect to hear ‘Hey, why don’t we all smoke outside so the place doesn’t get all smoky? Wouldn’t that be better?’

No, that would make it the same as everywhere else and entirely destroy the whole point of it.

The Dreadful Arnott’s Borg Collective will soon have their ban on smoking in cars and it will not be restricted to cars carrying children. The ‘children’ part is impossible to enforce so the law will be amended to a ban in all private vehicles (even the ones with no roof and no passenger seats) before it is passed.

Next they will start on a ban in private homes. This will begin with council homes, then housing association homes, then rented homes. These will be no problem because the owners of those properties are not the ones directly affected. Then it will extend to privately owned homes.

I have paid, and continue to pay, a hell of a lot of money for this house. It WILL be smoked in. That is what I bought it for. If it means I can only sell it to another smoker, so be it. If I die in it, I might donate it to an antismoking organisation to use as a headquarters without mentioning a detail or two. They’ll find the stash of butts under the floors one day, and maybe even realise what’s growing in the garden.

This, also, is not to be discussed with those random ‘smokers who like the smoking ban’ because they are exactly the sort who will turn you in to the Stasi. They will grass up Smoky-Drinky ‘for our own good’ too, and will not understand why they have just been beaten to a pulp.

I have never mentioned where Smoky-Drinky is held and won’t. The ban in private homes is coming and when it does, the fewer untrustworthy ones who know of its existence, the better.

As to its location, even though that is highly mobile, that should not be shared with anyone. We have been exiled into a really quite pleasant place – it’s best the antis don’t find it.



32 thoughts on “First rule of Smoky-Drinky.

    • Find or form one soon. As soon as they start on home bans, Smoky-Drinky will become very hard to find. Watch for neighbours putting up unusually large sheds 😉


      • My neighbour has a great shed and he smokes and likes a drink, I have suggested it but his wife is anti smoking and his kids don’t know he smokes, so not much chance there. I wouldn’t have a clue where to start, I don’t know many people here. There should be some sort of signal where we can find each other, any ideas?


  1. My home in California and one in Vermont as well, will always be what you call smokydinkys. Done it sinceI was 18, am now 58. Seems to work quite well. If you are an asshole, you gewt asked to leave. If you’re not, you generally have a great time. Seems to work….


  2. They haven’t gone after the homes yet in the UK? They’ve been gunning for apartments here in the US for the last several years, and with increasing success in terms of what I guess you’d call “council flats”(?) in multiunit subsidized apartment buildings. There have been occasional rumblings about attached townhouses, and lawsuits over neighbors smoking in their yards, but for the most part I believe full homes, at least if they’re owned rather than rented and don’t have custody children in them, have remained intact. They WILL take your children if you smoke in front of them and are in a custody dispute though: I think the Antis here brag that they’ve gotten that decided in a dozen states or so by this point.

    Soon will will all live in smokeless nordic nirvana, as per this set of renderings of a post new development in what used to be a slum area of New York City:

    Note: NO smokers, TWO tiny black people in the background — one of them sharply dressed, wearing shades, and hurrying off on his cell phone to likely something illegal — and (special, just for Leggie) one little old lady about to be eaten by an alien being (fifth pic from the top, background, on the left).

    The development even has a servants’ quarters section built in for the po’ folks: studio apartments there will go for a mere $3,000 per month!

    – MJM
    P.S. And yes, I fully agree on the pseudo-smokers. They would turn the Smoky-Drinkies in to the cops in a heartbeat.


    • What a depressing-looking place that is. (Do the buildings have vertical stripes to make them look thin?)

      Architects through recent decades seem to think that Utopia consists of cities with enormous buildings and perhaps an occasional tree poking out of the concrete.

      And I’m surprised to see a dog there. When will they be banned from contaminating other people via their dog ends?

      Here’s “10 Failed Utopian Cities That Influenced the Future”.

      The last one is for Leggy and was, of course, never built. It would have been called “Boozetown”:

      “In 1952 Mel Johnson presented investors with his idea of a perfect city—one built on booze. Every street would be a reference to alcohol, and they would even have their own currency called BoozeBucks. There would be a local police system, the Party Police. They wouldn’t arrest people — they would be more like roaming caretakers, giving drunks aspirin and kindly escorting them home when they got lost. Most importantly, no children would be allowed in BoozeTown. Visitors with kids could leave them at the daycare/summer camp area outside the city. When completed, the city would have had moving sidewalks, breweries, distilleries, permanent housing, and even suburbs.

      “Johnson gave potential investors matchbooks and cocktail napkins, telling them:

      “Just imagine . . . a resort entirely centered on the culture of alcohol. A boozer’s paradise built expressly to facilitate drinking and the good times that naturally follow. Where the bars, clubs and liquor stores never close. Where the police force is there to help drunks, not hassle them. Where even the street names salute sweet mother booze: Gin Lane, Bourbon Boulevard and Scotch Street. An adult playground like no other. Just imagine.

      “Perhaps unsurprisingly, Johnson could never get funding for BoozeTown and have up on the idea in 1960. Still, it sounds like BoozeTown may have inadvertently inspired many virtual game worlds that have their own currencies, like WoW Gold, and (let’s face it) exist only to get people wasted.”

      — — —

      No point in me going, but imagine all the toilet cleaning jobs… all that misdirected wee-wee to mop up and sick galore. Every shift an exciting challenge with the possibility of unique and disgusting discoveries.


      • In Utopia, nobody is really poor. Well, nobody worth speaking of.

        As for the toilets, they can produce quite enough horrible things when frequented by middle-class prim and proper ladies and by haughty gents in suits. At least with the drunks, you’d be expecting to be disgusted.


      • “But that was one Land. There are another 15 to go. And they WILL keep trying it on.”

        And that’s the problem. The Antismokers have the money to just keep coming back, and back, and back… like vampires with plastic stakes through their hearts. For the moment, we’ve just gotta be resolute and keep pounding those stakes in until we get some real wooden ones.

        – MJM


      • I thought they, their germanic M’ludds, ruled that it WAS lawful to kick some OAP out of his flat because his neighbours could smell the smoke from his cigs through several feet of solid German brickwork?


  3. Isn’t it time we concentrated less on cars? Let’s make it compulsory to have ashtrays on those noisy smelly motorbikes. Well, it makes as much sense as so many other bansturbator projects.


    • I am required by law to wear a seatbelt while driving or riding in an automobile.

      While riding my motorcycle, I am not even required to wear a hat (though trousers are called for).


  4. The day I win the Euromillions lottery (the UK Lottery jackpot won’t even cover the Winter Fuel bill these days) I shall purchase a former shop on a highstreet somewhere and have it registered back to ‘private residence’. But I will leave in the big shop windows so everyone can see into it.
    A former town centre Pub would be an even better idea…there’s enough going cheap these days.


  5. We went to a smoky-drinky Sat. night. What a stunning place it was too.
    The Guys Wife had asked him to build a smoking shelter at the back of their garage, so he did. Fully functioning bar, spirit optics, beer fridges, snacks, bar stools, comfy chairs, ASHTRAYS, mood lighting, just like it should be. And at least one bottle of Single Malt from every distillery in Scotland.
    And we were treated to a tasting of ten 18 yr. old malts -full measures- thought we’d gone to whisky heaven.


  6. Yes, I’ve met some of the literal passive smokers. Don’t even bother arguing with them any more – prats the lot. One or two actually became aggressive – one chav smoking a cig said he’d kick the shit out of anyone smoking inside in front of his kids! Another used to be a regular ‘bar propper’, now exiled to the outside. Come rain or shine he always sits outside, puffing his pipe, nursing a pint, usually alone and told me the bastards will never beat him. Pathetic.


    • “the bastards will never beat him”

      But they have. He’s outside in the cold and paying the same for his beer as those who get to sit inside. It would be cheaper – and exactly the same – to get a few beers from the off-licence and drink them on a park bench. He is, to put it kindly, a mug.


  7. I’m 63 years old. I’ve smoked since I was 16 years old. I attended a very strict Jesuit boarding school in Belgium from 1963 until 1969. The teachers (Jesuit priests) allowed us to smoke when we were 16 years old. There was a special smoking room.
    Two weeks ago, for the first time in my life, I suffered from a bronchitis. I kept on smoking, I took some antibiotics, and now I am OK again. Luckily I don’t have to put up with no smoking pubs and bars, since I live in Indonesia where everybody smokes!


    • Sounds like sensible teachers. Smoking was legal at 16 until recently, which is why I have to grit my teeth whenever I hear ‘many adult smokers admit to starting before they were 18’. When they started, it was legal! No ‘admission’ is necessary.


      • Many adult drinkers admit starting before they were 18 as well… even here in the States where the age is 21 for drinking! Obviously beer ads need to be removed from the media and beer drinking censored out of TV shows and movies. Hmm… liquor drinking too, or what they call “L-drinking” — the practice of imitating liquor drinking by drinking liquids out of glasses or bottles. Children should not be taught that such behavior is acceptable!

        – MJM


  8. It is possible to use FaceBook to hold a two person inter-contenentinal Smokey-Drinkey via video conference link.

    With Skype Premium there can be a multi party affair crossing the globe.

    Did that for a while last with 2 people in the UK and 2 in Greece.
    Only one person can talk at a time and the time difference can be strange.
    Mid nite in Greece and the afternoon for me in the USA.

    Old people in Greece do tend to fall asleep at that time of night. 🙂

    It was great fun and interesting to actually meet folks that one only knew thru their postings.


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