First rule of Smoky-Drinky.

Don’t tell everyone you meet about Smoky-Drinky.

At least, not until you’ve sounded them out.

I’ve now met quite a few smokers who claim to be happy with the smoking ban. They are a minority among smokers but not hard to find because they are noisy. These people say things like ‘Oh, it’s a nuisance to have to go outside but pubs are much nicer now’.

Do they still go to pubs? ‘Oh yes, although not at the moment. It’s really cold and wet but when it’s nice, I still go to the pub.’

So that’s a no, then. Days when it’s nice to be outside are uncommon here, north of Aberdeen. Certainly not common enough to keep a pub in business. They aren’t going to pubs – or they are going rarely.

These people don’t get told about Smoky-Drinky either. They are smokers who don’t want to smoke but believe they are addicted so keep smoking anyway. They are not Smoky-Drinkers. I never mention Smoky-Drinky to them and absolutely would not invite them because I would fully expect to hear ‘Hey, why don’t we all smoke outside so the place doesn’t get all smoky? Wouldn’t that be better?’

No, that would make it the same as everywhere else and entirely destroy the whole point of it.

The Dreadful Arnott’s Borg Collective will soon have their ban on smoking in cars and it will not be restricted to cars carrying children. The ‘children’ part is impossible to enforce so the law will be amended to a ban in all private vehicles (even the ones with no roof and no passenger seats) before it is passed.

Next they will start on a ban in private homes. This will begin with council homes, then housing association homes, then rented homes. These will be no problem because the owners of those properties are not the ones directly affected. Then it will extend to privately owned homes.

I have paid, and continue to pay, a hell of a lot of money for this house. It WILL be smoked in. That is what I bought it for. If it means I can only sell it to another smoker, so be it. If I die in it, I might donate it to an antismoking organisation to use as a headquarters without mentioning a detail or two. They’ll find the stash of butts under the floors one day, and maybe even realise what’s growing in the garden.

This, also, is not to be discussed with those random ‘smokers who like the smoking ban’ because they are exactly the sort who will turn you in to the Stasi. They will grass up Smoky-Drinky ‘for our own good’ too, and will not understand why they have just been beaten to a pulp.

I have never mentioned where Smoky-Drinky is held and won’t. The ban in private homes is coming and when it does, the fewer untrustworthy ones who know of its existence, the better.

As to its location, even though that is highly mobile, that should not be shared with anyone. We have been exiled into a really quite pleasant place – it’s best the antis don’t find it.