Pork scratchings.

I love pork scratchings. Dired and heavily salted little lumps of roasted fat and skin. Wonderful. Not remotely good for me, I accept that, but come one, the best part of roast pork is the crispy skin and it’s even better rolled in salt.

You can keep your crisps and your Monster Munch, when it’s treat time, pass the salted pig fat.

It has to be an occasional thing, like steak, or it’s not a treat. So I don’t have them every day, or even every week. Once in a while though, a pack of six small packs of pork scratchings will vanish in an evening. They are cheap too because the drones think they will die if they even see the glitzy packaging. Shiny with a smiling pig on the front – all that’s missing is a speech bubble saying ‘Burn me and eat my skin along with my subcutaneous fat after dipping that and my skinned body in salt’.

When I was at school, the group of tatty scruffs I hung around with thought that one punishment missing from the law was ‘cut them off at the knee and stand them in a bucket of salt’. Apparently most people start out left-wing when young and develop into right-wing as they age. One of our group is now a filthy Trot, socialist worker, all that crap. Not me. I’m so far right I’m outta sight. Fortunately, so is the one who had all the muscles. But I digress – but you expected that.

SaltRighteous morphed into SugarRighteous a while back because there was no mileage in banning or taxing salt. It’s already dirt cheap anyway and they failed to get the drones interested. It had no visible target. They could blame fat people on fat until what’s left of science finally admitted that fat does not make you fat – carbohydrates do. They can attack smokers and fat people because they are visible, but you can’t tell who likes salt unless you’re standing behind them in the chip shop. Even then it’s not easy. You no longer get to add your own salt, an indoctrinated sixteen-year-old asks if you want salt and if you say yes, they show the salt cellar to your chips.

Now they have come up with a plan. Salt causes ageing of the skin. Salt will soon have the same picture of old hands that has been used for years on tobacco.

What they really found was that salt causes problems iif combined with obesity, but has no effect at all if you’re not obese. The Mail helpfully incudes a picture of a young fatty stuffing an entire packet of crisps into his face and another of an old, normal-sized guy having a heart attack. So there you are having a heart attack and the bloody reporter decides to take a photo instead of calling an ambulance. What a git.

As usual, it’s all bollocks. This limit of grams per day is also stupid. You need salt in a milligrams per kilogram equation – the more kilograms you contain, the more milligrams you need. Your kidneys will get rid of excess, that’s what they do. Far too much and your kidneys will give up but your taste buds should alert you long before then.

Comments are interesting. The drones believe that ‘manufactured’ salt is in some way impure while pink salt from the Himalayas is pure. Hint: If it’s pink, it’s not pure salt.

Just as they believe the Pharmers’ nicotine products contain ‘better’ nicotine than tobacco and that the acetic acid in vinegar produced one way is different from the acetic acid in vinegar produced another way.

These are all very simple molecules. Your body cannot tell and does not care how it was made. It’s the same atoms in the same arrangement.

So they are going to kill off the fat people by making them scared of salt, while those of us who, so far, still fit within the rapidly narrowing ‘normal weight ‘ band can carry on eating pork scratchings.

We’re all going to die. We all have a limited time to live. We can choose to enjoy it or spend our whole lives worrying about it. It makes no difference in the end.

I don’t want to end up in a hospital bed, dying of nothing.

Instead, they can now put me down as a smoking, drinking, butter, sugar and pork scratchings related death. So I’ll have died five times.

At this rate I’ll have had more lives than a cat.