Eata fielda wheata day.

(Note: this blog is mildly fuelled by whisky and heavily fuelled by rage this evening and will contain obscure references and possible wild digressions. Proceed at your own risk)

Last night I went to a pub with a fellow smoky-drinker – for the first time since last summer. We were only in there for half an hour, then we went back for some civilised drinking. Pubs are full of youngsters now, there is no pub for old men.

When I was young, most pubs seemed to be for old men. Flat caps and dominos and cribbage boards – these were of limited interest back then. Now I have reached the age where I’m ready for the more restrained kind of evening in a pub, all I get are huge TVs showing ridiculous gyrating women who have had extra joints surgically added and who all look and sound exactly the same. All at full volume and in the company of drunken, staggering idiots, at a time far to early for that sort of thing. Where are the flat cap pubs now?

Oh, right. They had ashtrays on every table. They have been declared Heretical and closed down.

I’m not getting into the utterly twp Welsh and their ban on steam in pubs, nor the disgracefully inept Wastemonsters who will soon declare that it’s the packet, not the contents, people buy. Those have already been covered by others.

No, this rant is mostly about the medics. Those damn jumped-up flesh-mechanics who, if they were garage workers, would think it their job to tell you what colour you car should be and refuse to fix it if they didn’t like the tint in the windows. Those who have recently declared ‘we must legislate for a sugar tax’. Newsflash, sawbones, your job is to fix broken people. It is not your job to make laws nor is it your job to tell people how to live. Your job is to fix them when they go wrong. If you do not want to do your job, fine, we will stop paying for your non-service. Do we have a deal? We can keep you in a soft-walled room where you can rant into the wall all day and direct the daily lives of the cockroaches and the rats. You’ll be happy there, in the happy house.

See, it’s all Thatcher’s fault. ‘Care in the community’ let the loonies run amok and now they are all in high-wanking positions in the BMA and Government. It must have been Thatcher who let Tony Blair off his meds and the Brown Gorgon out of the abyss. Or maybe it was Monochrome Man, the one who shagged the egg-woman, what was his name? Walrus? No, Major. Ground Control really lost track of that one, didn’t they?

I don’t think we’ve had a good leader in this country since Æthelred, you know, and he wasn’t ready either. In fact, we were better off when we had no leader at all and just mucked about in the woods all day. Sometimes I think the wisdom of the Hitchhiker’s Guide, which says that coming down from the trees was a bad idea, has a lot going for it.

Now we have as leader some drooping dandy with a façade forehead and a sidekick who he doesn’t kick often enough. This pair of gibbering babboons take their orders from people they pay to give them orders and they think we should too.

No. I pay nobody to tell me what to do. If you want to tell me what to do then you pay me. That is how real life works. I decide whether what you offer to pay is enough for me to do what you want done and if it seems worth it, I do it. This decision is modulated (naturally) by how much I need the money.

The medics make the laws now and the Puritan politicians appear on reality TV where they get slapped down by the smoking, drinking, Farage every time they meet him. It’s like Batman vs. the Joker but Batman is played for laughs by John Inman and the Joker played seriously by Chuck Norris.

And no, Clegg-boy, you are not the Joker in this scenario.

Recently the medics decided that five-a-day of fruit and veg was not enough and it should be seven. They have openly admitted that the original five-a-day thing was just plucked out of the air with not one scientific study, no papers, not one schoolkid’s homework essay for his A-level in Orwellian Manipulation, not even a letter to the pebble-glasses page of ‘Reader’s Wives’ to back it up. Nothing at all. Now they want to extend their banana-pleasuring activities. And the cretins from the voting forms just go along with it because to them, ‘original thought’ is exactly the same as ‘original sin’ and those who do it are damned.

Will they stop at seven? Will the antismokers stop at a ban on smoking in cars or plain packs? Will the antidrinkers stop at pictures of livers on uniformly grey bottles? Will the antisugar bunch stop at the breeding of sugarless fruit? Of course not. They never stop.

They are already moving on to ten a day. Soon you will be required to eat a whole field of wheat every single day or they will come round to your house and beat you with an endangered species and a copy of Codex Alimentarius until you get the point.

Can you imagine every man, woman and child in the UK eating that much vegetable matter? Dear God, the flatulence! It would certainly put London’s current air quality problem into perspective. Actually, it might just blow it all away. Aim your arse at France and let go, folks. Nukes? Who needs ’em? Oh, and if you aim north it would power Oily Al’s windmills too. Stinkpower. It even colours the sky green.

It would also put a halt to immigration. They’d be no more than halfway over the Channel before they hijacked the ship – with pegged noses – and made it turn back, or at least upwind.

Ten portions of rabbit food every day would leave me no room for the rabbit. Why not feed all that veg to a cow and then eat the cow? Cows and sheep are concentrated vegetable matter because it’s all they eat. You can get your five a day from a burger.

You are to eat green crap to the point where you can’t even squeeze in a bacon sandwich. Why?

They tell you why. Oh, they are so confident in drone stupidity now that they will openly declare their maniac intentions. They intend to save wildlife by eradicating all wildlife to grow enough crops to feed the planet. Well, no. They intend to eradicate the humans by making us all kill ourselves because life just isn’t worth the effort any more.

And if you don’t go Green voluntarily… meat tax.

Meat tax does not apply to politicians or medics. You can eat those for free. The thing is, you’ll need plenty of sugar to get past the bitterness, and that’ll be taxed too.

Yeah, I could eat vegetarian.

They taste like pork. I don’t think I could manage five a day though.



12 thoughts on “Eata fielda wheata day.

  1. “Can you imagine every man, woman and child in the UK eating that much vegetable matter? Dear God, the flatulence! It would certainly put London’s current air quality problem into perspective.”

    Dear Leg-iron,

    Have you never come across Anne Coulter’s ‘Flatulent Raccoon theory’ for the origin of the species?

    I’m working on creating a whole new species right now….


      • I’m sure that the ‘Flatulent Raccoon theory’ is about as believable as Darwinism (to those of us who have studied evolution theory and seen its massive failings and its assumed facts which are just pure imagination).

        Charles Darwin’s main argument against his own theory was the lack of transitional fossils and billions of samples later, the same is still a problem today.

        The late Dr Colin Patterson, who was at the time the senior paleontologist at the Natural History Museum, had written a book called “Evolution”. Creationist Luther Sunderland wrote to Dr Patterson inquiring why he had not shown one single photograph of a transitional fossil in his book. Patterson then wrote back (and the reply was reproduced in Sunderland’s own book, “Darwin’s Enigma”),

        “I fully agree with your comments on the lack of direct illustration of evolutionary transitions in my book. If I knew of any, fossil or living, I would certainly have included them. You suggest that an artist should be used to visualise such transformations, but where would he get the information from? I could not, honestly, provide it, and if I were to leave it to artistic licence, would that not mislead the reader?”

        He went on to say:

        “Yet Gould [Stephen J. Gould—the now deceased professor of paleontology from Harvard University] and the American Museum people are hard to contradict when they say there are no transitional fossils. … You say that I should at least “show a photo of the fossil from which each type of organism was derived.” I will lay it on the line—there is not one such fossil for which one could make a watertight argument.”


  2. Global Government. Agenda 21.

    Here’s another new one on me from:

    “The Nitrates Directive (91/676/EEC) requires Member States to identify areas where groundwaters have nitrate concentrations of more than 50 mg/l nitrate or are thought to be at risk of nitrate contamination. Areas associated with such groundwaters are to be designated as Nitrate Vulnerable Zones (NVZs) within which, Member States are required to establish Action Programmes in order to reduce and prevent further nitrate contamination.”

    Here’s the huge amount of land affected in the UK where the “New NVZ regulations governing certain livestock farming operations including the storage and spreading of slurry and animal wastes” have come into effect and farmers are, of course “obliged to comply with the rules”.


  3. ” Where are the flat cap pubs now?”
    Hidden away in the back streets. I use one nearby. Doors close at 11p.m., except for regulars. Lights out when the last customer has finished, or when the landlady’s gone to bed and the barman wants to go home. Not all old men though, there’s a growing number of youngers, even students, escaping from the blaring screens and drunken idiots. After a few vists they become quite civilised.


  4. So vegetarianism will prevent their imaginary man made global warming? What about the plant diet enhanced flatulence? Oh, the methane! The methane!

    These finger waggers just cannot do joined up thinking, can they?


    • Well, every (approx 20) flatulent vegetarian humans replace one cow, so there is a methane balance. Which seems logical, as the fart-producing vegetables contain the source of methane – veggies just process them and leave out the middle-moo. But global warming will be worsened* by everyone leaving all their windows open with the heating on to attempt to get rid of the stench.

      Give me cows in fields and a steak – not this farty nonsense!

      * It might if it existed.


  5. There was some black gay dandy on the BBC this morning berating the inconvenience of parliament and democracy in making his plain packs dream a reality. He argued that the imposition of one’s will upon another should be instant and not held up by annoying things like debate or research. I was amused at this because in the past when people were able to enforce their will upon the masses it never worked out well for intellectuals, negros or gays. Maybe he was crap at history or maybe he though it would be different next time. It won’t be.


  6. “They have openly admitted that the original five-a-day thing was just plucked out of the air with not one scientific study, no papers, not one schoolkid’s homework essay for his A-level in Orwellian Manipulation.”

    You couldn’t make it up, and if the medical “profession”, politicians,and the spoon-fed masses hadn’t swallowed it all hook, line and sinker, it would be quite comical. Actually, it is quite laughable for those of us who can see through it, but is this really the way our civilisation is going to end? At least ancient Rome went out in a sea of over-indulgence and out and out decadence, rather than succumbing to being molly-coddled and wrapped in cotton wool.

    The Hitchhiker’s Guide was mentioned earlier. Wasn’t there something in there about telephone sanitisers?


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