Most blatantly made-up story of the week.

Getting past the Daily Mail site is like passing a fatal road accident. You know you shouldn’t look. You know you’re likely to see something that will disturb and distress you, but you just can’t help it. Then there it is in all its gory detail, and what has been seen cannot be unseen.

Once in a while, the Mail does go that little bit too far and transcend propaganda. Off into Absurdity-Land where only the dimmest of drones and the most sociopathic of tobacco-control maniacs dwell. Then it’s not gory or disturbing at all. It’s a cartoon car crash, a comical and badly drawn tangle of lines and lies and pretend characters in pretend pain.

Today they presented the story of a nine-year-old child begging the NHS KillDaSmoker helpline for help in giving up smoking. The child cannot of course be named or pictured or identified in any way. Somewhere in the UK? Somewhere over the rainbow, more likely.

It’s all there. All the standard and by now very old propaganda. He tried one cigarette once and was hooked. Then he realised what it was doing to his health and tried to stop but could not. He just had to keep smoking. Finally he begged the ‘Experts who have Said’ for help in kicking his (by now, perhaps) 100-a-day habit. This is supposed to be the mindset fo a nine-year-old and you, dear reader, are supposed to be stupid enough to believe it. If I had put this out as fiction, the reviews would have been more caustic than the blood of an Alien face-hugger.

All utter rubbish. One cigarette does not hook anyone. My first pack of ten came from a vending machine outside a shop. I’d been smoking cigars for a while but hadn’t bothered with cigarettes. So I thought I’d try the cheaper option.

I smoked one. It was vile. I stuck the rest into a dry-stone wall, lit them and watched them burn away. Rolling tobacco was more to my taste although I did find later that different readymade brands were different blends. Some were reasonably good, some were dreadful. They all sell so I guess for some people’s tastes it’s the other way around.

It’s like whisky. In Wales we mostly saw Bells or Famous Grouse in my youth. There were a few malt whiskies but then, as now, they were more expensive. Having tried Bells and Grouse , and found them to be terrible, I wasn’t going to risk money on malts. As far as I knew, I didn’t like whisky very much. That changed when I came to Scotland where people practically ambush you in the street and force it down your throat. Go drinking with the Scots and there will be whisky involved at some stage – often it’s all there is. That’s when I found that Bells wasn’t the only whisky flavour around.

Bells also sells in large amounts. So a lot of people must like it. There is a smoky-drinker who hates Islay malts but loves Speyside ones. I adore the peaty malts, the peatier the better. All a matter of taste.

Back to the point. That first cigarette did not hook me at all. I found it repellent. Yet I had always liked the aroma of my grandfather’s smokes. His were rollies, made with Franklin’s tobacco. I tried that some months after my first cigarette and it was a very different experience. Like a little paper cigar.

Readymades have always, to me, had a chemical aftertaste. Rollies (and cigars and pipes) don’t have that. It can’t be the paper because now I’m tubing leaf there’s no chemical taste. Something in the processing, maybe. Anyway, I found it harsh and I was over 20 when I tried that first cigarette. Must be hard going for a nine-year-old to stick at it.

Also, back then there were only vague mutterings of ‘it’ll stunt your growth’ and such things from the antismoker camp. I still like saying that to smoking six-footers. Now, kids are bombarded with antismoking as soon as the State get their hooks into them. The idea that a nine-year-old only found out it was ‘bad for him’ after he’d been smoking for a while is derisory. He’d had that message hammered home since he was five. They all have.

There are still young kids who start smoking. Of course there are. The antismokers taunt them with this forbidden fruit every single day, everywhere they look. Of course they are curious. Of course they will want to try it. Kids rebel, it’s what they do. They test boundaries and push limits. These days, thanks to Leftie indoctrination, there are no boundaries and no limits – or at least, no real punishment for crossing them.

When I was very small I could have bought a packet of smokes any time I wanted. In fact I often did. My father sent me and my little brother to the corner shop to buy his smokes. We had not the slightest interest in those cigarettes, we were only interested in how many sweets we could buy with the change. Then came the day of the age limit. The shop wouldn’t sell us Dad’s fags so no change, and no sweets. That age limit was 16. Might have been 14 at first, I was too young to care.

Recently it became 18, which was nasty, I thought. What about all those 17-year-olds smoking legally today who can’t get any more tomorrow? No phasing-in either. Bang. Overnight. Today you are legal, tomorrow you’re not.

Which sort of begs the question – how is a nine-year-old getting cigarettes? It begs another question – how much bloody pocket money does this kid get? Fags must be near £10 a pack by now. I’m in regular employment and I’m spending time each evening shredding leaves and stuffing them into tubes because I can’t afford to buy them in the shops. How the Hell is a nine-year-old doing it?

Let’s not bother rehashing the lies about ‘one smoke and you’re hooked’ and all the rest. Let’s look at what tobacco control has achieved.

The age limit for buying cigarettes is now 18. Increased from 16 at the behest of tobacco control to stop young kids taking up the habit. Yet it’s tobacco control themselves who claim that thousands of young kids are taking up the habit. TC 0, kids 1.

Smoking propaganda is so prevalent now that it’s almost an O-level in itself in schools. All this propaganda paid for by taxes and run by the very well paid ‘Experts who Say’ has, by their own admission, had absolutely no effect whatsoever on kids taking up smoking. TC 0, kids 2.

Cigarette prices have skyrocketed thanks to the scaremongering of tobacco control. Low paid adults can’t afford them. Kids can’t possibly afford them. They seem to have less trouble affording them than I do. TC 0, kids 3.

Smoking bans are everywhere now but for schoolkids there has been no change. Smoking was not allowed in school when I was there and that was (mumble mumble) years ago. The teachers could smoke in their staff room but not in front of us kids. Oh, we knew they smoked in there because a sixth-former lined the woodwork teacher’s ashtray with nitrogen triiodide. He wasn’t expelled but he did get a whack.  Well worth it, he said.

We had bike sheds, big brick ones, never saw a single bike in them but saw a lot of fag-ends behind them. It was banned in school then just as it is now. It made no difference then and it doesn’t now. TC 0, kids 4.

The antis hid all the cigarettes behind the Doors of Shame to stop kids even seeing them and now complain that more kids than ever are taking up smoking when they can’t see them, can’t buy them and are banned from smoking them anywhere. TC 0, kids 5.

Plain packaging is next. This will be as effective as all the other antismoking campaigns in that more kids than before will be taking up smoking. I predict the result as TC 0, kids 6.

The government are delighted with the antismokers. They are bringing in far more tobacco duty than those old tobacco ads ever did. They are ensuring that smoking never dies out when we old smokers shuffle off aged 100 or so. The government will need all that new tobacco revenue to cover the cost of our pensions and they know it.

Every day, smoking is in the news with the tagline, ‘Kids, you should not do this. It is rebellious and cool and will make your friends think you are hard and fearless’. That’s not what they think they are saying but it is what they are saying. Children do not give a flying fuck about mortality. Not one child on the planet believes it applies to them. Not one child believes they can die. Not one. They can jump off things and shoot arrows at each other and even set each other on fire and they have no thought about the consequences. No child, in the entire history of humanity, ever has thought about consequences until they get to that ‘whoops’ moment. Tell them, every day, that smoking will kill them. They will just have to try it. When they don’t die after  the first one they have proved you wrong and you lose. That is how a child mind works. Simple logic, no complexity.

These days, a lot of adults don’t believe they can die either. When every day is the same round of a flat half-can of Stella for breakfast followed by flobbing out in front of the Jeremy Kyle show with the cold remnants of last night’s pizza, who would imagine anything would ever change? They don’t believe they will die. This is incomprehensible to me. At my rate of whisky intake I’m actually surprised every time I wake up, thinking ‘Oh what, I have to do it again?’

That nine year old… there is no mention of teachers or parents in the article. We are told that smokers stink, that we can be easily identified by the green cloud of foul miasma that follows us everywhere. Yet no teacher, mother, father or sibling noticed that this nine year old child stank like a pipe smoking tweed wearing biology teacher? How can that be? Aren’t we all just like the reekie lums o’ the auld toon, puffing out oor stench o’ vile smook an’ terrible, terrible disease?

By all the laws of Studies have Shown and Experts have Said, this nine-year-old smoker cannot exist. It is impossible. All the bans and controls imposed to date make his existence impossible.

If he exists then not one of Tobacco Control’s measures have worked. A hell of a lot of tax money has been wasted. A lot of people have been well paid to be utterly useless. Cameron and Clegg have been so stupid that the most transparent and blatant of con artists have ripped your money from their pockets.

Either the story is true or it is not. Either way, the Coagulation, and the Moribund Party too, look like utter dicks with a gullibility rating that is off the scale. There is no face-saving way out of this one.

So what’s it gonna be then, droogies?




30 thoughts on “Most blatantly made-up story of the week.

  1. One cigarette and you are hooked? It took me at least a month of trying to learn to smoke, I remember trying so hard to get the knack of flicking ash elegantly and I was 16. Even one after over 50 years if I am in a place I can’t smoke I just don’t think about it so can’t be that addictive, I just want one when I can. I was in Dublin last week and they are even more brain washed than here they really seemed amazed that I still smoked especially since I had recovered from cancer. Can’t believe the once feisty Irish have let this happen or anywhere else for that matter. We were blindsided by the last minute changes to the bill but they walked into it.


  2. When they don’t die after the first one they have proved you wrong and you lose. That is how a child mind works. Simple logic, no complexity………

    This is how every human mind works, unless you were born with mongoloid DNA….they just do what everyone tells them tooo…and aren’t we looking pretty as a society…


    • Oh, more and more people believe exactly what they are told. The fun to have is endless. Why worry? They hate me for smoking and drinking and all the rest anyway, so might as well get a laugh out of them.


  3. Fond memories again reading this blog.

    Cigarette vending machines, one on every high street and a few more tucked away in the side streets too. Imagine seeing that now. Of course they would have long been kicked into smithereens and emptied by our crime-ridden society, but apart from that ……… imagine the horror!

    My first foray into smoking was one night in the late months of 1976. I was only 13. Cold and dark and drizzling it was, sometime after October, after the clocks went back. I had chosen my machine carefully, on the main street of the town, long after the shop which owned it had closed for the day. I can picture that machine now, chained to the gas main outside the shop. Ten ‘Number 6’ I bought, all with 2 pence and 1 pence pieces. Total cost of 17 pence. It’s like another world, universe even.

    I had to hurry and be as surreptitious as possible (ie, not very, on the main street) and then I scurried off, to one of a thousand hidey-spots, which no adult knew of and of which no adult would attempt (or be able) to navigate. No cameras then you see and the nettle, rhododendron or Jap knotweed (gasp) thickets were dense.

    I didn’t really like the cigs but I didn’t stuff them in a stone wall like you did. Too much thought and prep had gone into obtaining them. Plus it was 17p which was in fact (if you think about it) three and fivepence. Look – 17p is just 17p, but three bob and more is – well, over three bob.

    Those ten No6 probably lasted all week and by then one or two mates had got onto ‘the horror’ and liked the idea and the trio of us kept up the smoking pretence for several moons – about 6 in my case. The idea then spluttered out and I didn’t smoke again till I was ‘adult’, that is about eighteen. I can’t remember how much ten cigs had risen in price by then, but it probably wasn’t (yet) quite that much.

    I remember that a pint of beer was only 27p in 1976. I knew that because I had a two-evening a week job at the local Catholic club, sorting through empty bottles (and crating them), carrying crates of new bottles in and stacking the shelves with them and various other menial tasks. I think I got 2 quid a week for this and the only reasons my Mum didn’t disapprove of it (though she didn’t necessarily ‘approve’ either) was because it was the Catholic club and because one of the sons of the steward was my mate. Occasionally, he would pester his dad diplomatically and somehow, a bottle would then go ‘missing’ from the stock ……… and miraculously reappear in our ‘den’. His dad was always assured the missing bottle was a Babycham or (yuk) a Cherry B, but in actual fact it was always a Mackeson (quite nice) or a Manns Brown Ale (horrible really).

    Sometimes his dad wasn’t into diplomacy and would give his son a clout round the ear for ‘mithering’. I would snigger in the shadows.

    I never really got into the drinking either, and didn’t dare admit that Babycham was actually quite nice. I might have got rolled in the nettles for that and crunch-tackled at the next football tourney, played in the street on concrete and tarmac (!). When I was an ‘adult’, aged a whole eighteen, a pint had gone up to about 45p.

    I remember petrol was 70p a gallon in 1979 when I left school but had doubled in price to £1.40 by 1983 when I passed my driving test. At which time I remember that 1/2 oz (still then) of rolling tobacco was less than a quid.

    I’m told that 20 Bensons now costs somewhere around a tenner. Now if you think about it a little carefully you will realise that this is about 200 bob. The horror!


    • 27p a pint in 1976? Shocking. Brains Dark was 25p a pint in Cardiff in 1978. You could get plastered and then get fish and chips from Paratyphi Dot’s on the way home for less than a fiver.

      Now, for a night out, you need an an armoured money truck following you around.


  4. I think it might be made up. He started to smoke because he wanted to “fit in”. So, the majority of nine year-olds at that school smoke do they or most of his nine year-old friends?

    The girl in the red T-shirt looks impressed. She’s thinking, “Wow, he’s so cool”. Some things don’t change!

    But why is this a story anyway? Millions of children smoke. What it shows is that TC has failed miserably and this, whether true or not, is probably just more gentle propaganda to extend the bans to the streets and the home. For the cheeeldren.


    • The photo(s) are library pics, almost certainly posed by child models and shot by a professional photographer. Indeed, the none of the of kids in the second photo are actually smoking. Even the ‘9 yo’ might not be inhaling.

      And, no, thinking back to the mid 60’s I don’t recall ever seeing, let alone hearing about, a primary school pupil smoking. So I’m not entirely sure who he is trying to fit in with..

      ‘In the past year, 217 young people aged between 12 and 17 have accessed the Birmingham Stop Smoking service for help.
      ‘Only two of these were ages 12 and, without support, one of them was able to successfully quit smoking.’

      Major epidemic right?


  5. TC will be livid at this article … the quit service didn’t take the opportunity to demand plain packaging! The Dreadful will be on the phone to dish out one of her customary temper tantrums first thing tomorrow morning. 😉


    • I saw the story in the Telegraph yesterday. I think we should put warning messages on cut ‘n’ paste, PR generated newspaper articles: ‘Warning. Consuming this could damage your mental health’ and a picture of a straight jacket.

      You know how the loony bins used to be open for visiting by the public in the 18th and 19th century on Public Holidays? That’s how I feel when surveying the MSM’s regurgitated and reheated offerings. The jibberish farted out in the comments of those that ate the article, with relish and looks forward to future courses, is both fascinating and uncomfortable at the same time. There but for the grace of god go I.

      Then again perhaps the health warnings are there? Have you ever watched John Carpenter’s ‘They Live’? So on another plane, the Global Warming Fear is the threat of an increase in sunglasses sales. And who exactly is feeling the ‘Fear’?

      Personally, I think the smoker blogs are at the cutting (w)edge in producing and selling sunglasses. World B(eaters); they eat the world, not the meagre offerings on the menu.


  6. Little kid smoking in the street. Adult says, “Bit young to be smoking”. Kid – “Dunno… had sex when I was five”. Adult – “How did that go?” Kid – “Can’t remember, was drunk at the time”.


  7. Leggy, the factory ones have a chemical taste because there is something in them to keep them burning…if I put one down in an ashtray and forgot about it, it would burn away up to the filter.
    If I did the same thing to a rolly, it went out.


  8. LI, I liked this one so much I kept it.

    North teens back bid to ban cigarette machines – 2009

    “CHILD smokers are pleading for cigarette vending machines to be banned from pubs to help them kick the habit, the Sunday Sun can reveal.
    The youngsters have joined a HIGH PROFILE HEALTH ADVISER in calling on the Government to push through a Bill to stub out machines in pubs and clubs and restrict advertising in shops.”

    14 year old Lewis

    “I smoke 10 a day now and buy them with my pocket money. I can’t play football because I get out of breath really quickly.
    “ I can’t run and I’ve got a right bad chest and I cough in the mornings.”

    “I’ve tried to give up twice but it’s hard. Fags should be out of sight in shops. It’s too tempting when they’re next to the sweets.”

    Ailsa Rutter, director of Fresh – the campaign for a smoke free North East – believes the Bill is vital

    She said: “This is all about protecting children. Research shows 80 per cent of smokers start before they are 18.
    “It’s the number one killer in the North East, claiming 5500 lives a year and there are 10,000 11-to-15 year olds smoking in the region.
    “Tobacco displays in shops are huge and make smoking look glamorous”

    “ I can’t run and I’ve got a right bad chest and I cough in the mornings.”

    Miraculous! 11 years old to 80 year old industrial worker in just 3 years.

    “Ailsa Rutter, director of Fresh – the campaign for a smoke free North East – believes the Bill is vital”

    So who’s idea was it really?

    Not teens thats for sure

    Article 13 of the FCTC

    Retail and Display

    14. Vending machines should be banned because they constute by their very presence a means of advertising or promotion under the terms of the Convention.”

    You can quite see why the government has to pay these people to lobby it. If they appeared to come up with that one on their own, they’d just get laughed at.
    You need “high profile health advisers” and “experts” to force you into it add a veneer of respectability.

    As you can see, I’ve long since stopped wondering if all this is some kind of unfortunate mistake based on a misunderstanding of the plant chemistry..


    • So a 14 year old who isn’t allowed in bars complains that he gets the cigarettes he can’t possibly afford from vending machines in the bars he isn’t allowed into and like all real addicts, says he wants his addiction stopped by law.

      Yes, that is enough to convince a politician. Because politicians are addicted to idiocy.


  9. There’s usually a reason behind this sort of hogwash. Probably some threat to defund a quit helpline or some child TC program.


  10. He went to buy a packet of fruit pastilles and because someone had left the doors open on the tobacco “display” he bought ten Bensons instead. The sales person failed to note his diminutive status, as is bound to happen. Now this boy smokes and has done forty nictotined years of damage in several months and has developed emphysema, lung cancer, aged skin and a flaccid penis. I really do give a flying fuck about this, which is why we need plain packs and to ban e-cigarettes. Logical, reasonable, and obvious. Wibble.


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