Life came from God’s butt.

(Blasphemy alert. The deeply religious are not going to like this one very much. In the interests of balance, neither will the atheists)

Life came from God’s butt. Science has declared it so. Experts have said and studies have shown and all that jazz.

Science is now considering that vitamin B3 – niacin, aka nicotinic acid, arrived on Earth on what they pretend are meteorites. Since vit B3 makes up a vital component of basic metabolism and is essential to all forms of life from bacteria to brachiosaurs, that means there would be no life on Earth at all without it. Well, there might be life, Jim, but not as we know it.

Naturally, nowhere in the article does anyone suggest the merest hint of a slight consideration of the outside chance of any connection between nicotinic acid and nicotine… even though the former was first synthesised in the lab from the latter.

What this suggests is that far from being a wonderful paradise, the earliest incarnation of this planet was as God’s ashtray. Where he stubbed out his butts while pondering what to do with the great mass of nothing around him. Whether to create a planet with a sun and a moon and whether, once he got started on that sort of thing, he’d know when to stop. He had planned to make just one angel, for a bit of company, and now he had whole hosts of them. It might start out as just one star and one planet but…

One day God looked into his ashtray and noticed the formation of some interesting molecules. ‘I could make living things out of those’, he thought. Where to put them though? Well, why not use this little round ashtray. Tidy it up a bit, plant some trees and stuff, make all kinds of different living things with all their metabolism based on nicotine, God’s favourite molecule. Formed from dust we were indeed, the dust in God’s ashtray. We are all made of cigarettes.

This is incontrovertible proof that God smokes because if he didn’t we wouldn’t even be here. The Puritans have it very, very wrong.

There is no mention of Jesus smoking, but since his very first miracle involved gatecrashing a wedding party and showing how amazingly fast he was at homebrew, I think we can safely assume that he was no Puritan either.

All life is based on nicotinic acid. Meteorites, coated in third hand smoke, are still arriving. Those gas clouds out in space are just massive puffs of cigarette smoke. The entire universe is just one big smoky pub and all the angels are laughing and shaking their heads at our little smoke-free corner of it.

That’s why Hell is full of flames. The evil ones spend eternity sat on God’s lighter, and it’s a big one. It’s always on.

The evil ones are, in the main, those who want to eliminate God’s favourite molecule from the face of the Earth and thereby turn it into a barren wasteland, devoid of all life.

All those sacrifices by fire in the Old Testament produced a lot of smoke and this is described as ‘pleasing to the Lord’. God likes smoke! It’s all through that book. Denying smoke is denying God and (whoops, getting a bit Ian Paisley with this one. Deep breaths…)

The tobacco plant grows just about anywhere. It grows from an infinitesimal speck into a six-foot monster in a single growing season. A Big Bang in chlorophyll green. Then it sends forth thousands of new tiny specks to do it all again. God made sure that one wouldn’t die out.

I feel the dawn of a new religion – or rather the dawn of a new subset of an old religion. And yet this vision, vouchsafed to me by a bloke with a beard, unites all religions. They all burn something at some stage. They all have the Holy Fire somewhere in their tenets. The One True Smoky God and His Drinky Son. Then there’s the Holy Spirit, which must surely live in a bottle.

I cannot believe that any kind of God would go to all this trouble so that Puritans can just pretend it’s all simply not there. If we were put here for a reason, that reason cannot possibly be ‘Live a life of abject misery, deny yourself the pleasures I have put forth to tempt you, and then you can leave all hope of those pleasures behind and sit on a cloud all day playing a harp.’

It’s really not that great a deal, is it?

Isn’t it more logical to consider that the first thing you will be offered at the Pearly Gates is a glass of port and a cigar?

“Don’t smoke? Oh dear, the big guy won’t like that. Didn’t you notice how he had tobacco plants growing all over the planet? Didn’t you ever stop to wonder why? You were supposed to enjoy life, not ignore it!” This is where he reaches for the trapdoor lever…

Then there is yeast. It’s everywhere too. It lives on the outside of fruit – surely that is a really big hint? “Look, all you have to do is mash it up in water and honey and keep it warm for a while. Come on guys, it’s right there for you in kit form.”

If we assume that the planet was made, and we were put on it, and that there was a purpose, why would we assume that this Creator made us just to be miserable? Are we really only here to worship a deity? Well I’m not playing that game. That sounds like a deity with a Narcissus complex to me.

Consider what else is here. Tobacco – loads of it. The means to make booze – loads of that too. Bacon. If all that stuff we aren’t supposed to have is all just the temptations of the Devil, then the Devil did more creating than God! Sure, we should thank God for providing this huge party room, floored with nice soft grass to fall down onto, that’s only common courtesy after all.

Isn’t he going to get a bit confused when Puritans thank him for all the stuff they are not using? Isn’t he going to be shaking his head in despair at those who seek to stop others using all the things he has provided to keep us, his pets, entertained?

What if there is a smoky-drinky God who just wants us to be excellent to each other and party on, dudes, and has provided all the means to do so with little effort on our part? Where is the Devil then?

The Devil is in those who want to wreck God’s plan, just as religion has always said. The Devil, being a cunning old devil, has done that by setting up organised religion that tells us not to do what we are put here to do. Immensely rich and powerful bishops, cardinals and the Pope order us to live as they instruct and tell us it is the word of God. “Deny yourself everything. Give it to us and… er… we’ll dispose of it all to save you from yourselves”.

It started long before Christianity. Priests demanded a free lamb for the sacrificial fire because lamb was expensive to buy in pre-Lidl history. There’s not much meat on a lamb so you have to pay more per pound.

Picture the scene, the Priest Canteen. The people have been calmed and it’s time for lunch.

“What’s on the menu today. Lamb? Great.”

(five sacrifices later) “Oh come on. Lamb again? We should get them to sacrifice an ox next time.”

So it was always okay for the priests to eat lambs. The sacrifice part only applied to the plebs. The elite get to eat and the poor get to pay for it. Is this the work of God or Satan? You decide.

So it is with modern politics. Same thing. The elite get subsidised bars even though they have more money than most of us will ever see in a lifetime, and we poor buggers subsidise it. They get cheap booze while demanding we pay much more for ours, even though we are already paying for theirs. Nothing has changed.

It is said by the Popery types and the other religions of that ilk that Satan will one day rule this world. Look around, dopes. Satan has been in charge for ages. Why do you think that gold-encrusted bishop passes around a collection plate? Whose side is he on? Yours? If he is on your side why does he want to make you even poorer? Religions, of almost all types, have a very, very rich elite and they all take money from poor people. God or Satan? Which of them would do that?

So when they tell you to sacrifice your pleasures and give them money, they are going against the word of the Smoky-Drinky God who set up an entire planet full of stuff to smoke and drink and eat and enjoy. Why would He do that if he wanted to save you from sin? He didn’t. That is what the uber-Righteous will never understand. It is not about what you do to yourself. You can strap a sharp celise to your leg and flagellate your back with fish hooks if you want to. It is all irrelevant.

It is about what you do to other people.

Filling your limited lifespan with pain and self-denial must surely count as total insanity. No God could possibly be impressed by such idiocy. No, if there really is a God, what he is interested in is your actions towards other people.

Those who want control over others are going to the burny place. Those who are happy to enjoy life and to let others live life their own way will be the favoured ones.

That is the doctrine of the Smoky-Drinky Religion. Who wants to sign up? No self-harming or penury or pointless guilt for things you didn’t do are required.

You just have to give the God smoke. No need for cigarettes, this God is happy with tobacco burned in a bowl. Douse it in vodka and he will smile upon you. A little lopsided at times but a smile nonetheless.

Note – do not burn malt whisky. Never mind the wrath of God, the wrath of Leg-iron is more immediate. If you wish to sacrifice malt whisky, I will deal with that.

And so, I have become the next L. Ron Hubbard but without all the aliens and shit. Just booze, fags, salt, sugar and Mars bars in batter.

I have a nasty feeling I could outstrip Scientology in five years if I was to take this seriously.

In ten years I could overtake Christianity, Islam and Judaism. And I offer nothing beyond what is already in everyone’s reach. The fruit of the tree next to the tree of knowledge. The tree of life.

Take a leaf. Roll it up…

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53 thoughts on “Life came from God’s butt.

    • Everyone is worthy and there is no fee. Dammit, the tobacco is expensive enough as it is, no smoker could afford to pay a subscription.

      Anyway, the True God does not need money. He can just call into existence his next pack of Rothman’s without even troubling to fleece the gullible.

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  1. Yep, I’m in.

    (Blasphemy alert. The deeply religious are not going to like this one very much. In the interests of balance, neither will the atheists)

    Being neither a practising religionist (of any stripe), nor a proselytising atheist, your tract offends me not one iota. I’m in full agreement. If there is in fact some purpose to our lives, then I’m sure denial is not a part of it. Personally, I’ve pursued a hedonistic lifestyle wherever and whenever possible, and I’ve enjoyed every minute. That, surely, is what life is all about, is it not? We only get one bite at the cherry, so might as well savour the flavour and make it count.

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  2. Oh that is good news, LI.
    I have been wondering where plants got the nicotinic acid part to make nicotine ( where they get the putrescine part from is something I don’t want to dwell on)
    http://www.rsc.org/chemistryworld/podcast/CIIEcompounds/transcripts/putrescine.asp

    Now it would appear that it’s scattered in the soil. Good.
    I am quite prepared to believe it came from meteorites as I have never quite got over the fact that the iron in my blood originally came from the body of an exploding star.
    Yes, it’s also in animals and plants and in the ground and everywhere, but the difference is that I know that I have star dust running in my veins. : )

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    • Nicotinic acid is not hard for metabolism to make, and putrescine comes from protein breakdown. Like cadaverine and spermine and other smelly compounds exuded by corpses and pebble-glassed perverts.

      It is, however, difficult for nicotine or nicotinic acid to spontaneously generate. So if it is coming in on meteorites then either passing aliens flick their fag-ash out of their spaceship windows or there is a God. I wonder which option science will follow? Neither will be favoured.

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  3. As a former Mormon and someone who has studied the Watchtower gang (JWs) and has an interest in this whole area, I would like to offer a short (hopefully – for all our sakes) critique! I realise that “short critique” could be considered an oxymoron, but my comments seem to spiral out of control anyway.

    Your ideas have some truth and this is important to snare the gullible. That’s why there were ten million Mormons worldwide when I was a member and Wikipedia says it’s now over 15m. The potential initiate picks up on what he believes to be true and if it’s sufficient then he signs up and believes everything else he hears thereafter.

    This doesn’t just work with religions, but in any sphere. I use to vote Labour because I believed they represented the ordinary bloke in the street. I used to fall for the odd get-rich-quick scheme in my youth because I believed in the bits that sounded good and wasn’t taught to misrepresent reality myself so trusted others far too much. Naturally, I never did get rich (quickly or slowly).

    Your first apparent mistake (after the ‘butt’ gag). “Experts have said.” I say apparent, but read on. This is a famous quote Creationists use, written by evolutionist and geneticist, Professor Richard Lewontin. After admitting that scientists will extol any old nonsense to support (or worship, if you will) materialism contrary to the evidence, he wrote,

    “Moreover, that materialism is absolute, for we cannot allow a Divine Foot in the door.”

    http://hyperphysics.phy-astr.gsu.edu/nave-html/faithpathh/lewontin.html

    In other words, even if science proved that we were created – which I think it now does since the invention of X-ray diffraction and electron microscopy reveals the complexity of life which Darwin could never have imagined and which I cannot envisage happened by means of purely random mutations (most mutations are neutral or worse).

    But I believe that there will be a global religion to go with the global government. A bit like when Constantine wanted to get the Roman Empire all cosy and uniform in the fourth century, so instituted a Pagan version of Christianity (another oxymoron) to suit as many people as possible to try to keep control.

    The next time it’s tried in order to consolidate power, many current atheists will be converted. The scientists will be well-paid to go along with it all like they are always well-paid to toe the prevailing line, politically.

    Not sure if God likes smoke or just uses it as and when required. When the world is destroyed by fire under the weight of sin then we’ll see some smoke. Those of us still around. Those who end up in Hellfire first won’t be concerned with smoke as they’re too weighed down with the knowledge of the sins of the lives they led and which were never repented of. It’s the reward of everyone who is not of a contrite spirit.

    Talking of Ian Paisley, he’s one of the few famous people I’ve met, so when there’s name-dropping to be done…. but you want to emulate those Free Presbyterians for their power of preaching. If you can do that it will inspire people to join up with the Rev. Leg-iron. Or the Archbishop of Underdogs. That would be handy, because you’d sound like a patron saint of the poor.

    The Blessed Leg of the Lamb of God?

    I better watch I don’t drift into blasphemy myself.

    The temptation thing is real though and very destructive. If you care for your flock at all. On a practical level, you don’t want to be preaching that ‘anything goes’ in the pursuit of (perceived) happiness or your adherents will be spending all their money on booze, drugs, gambling, porn, etc., and they’ll have none left to give you. What money you do get will be spent on addiction councillors to try to help all these people get their lives back together so they can give it all to you.

    But yes, God does want us to experience joy, but also said how difficult life would be. The Devil waits to pounce on us all. He appears as a pillar of light yet is the father of lies. It’s what you take joy from that matters. I used to try to take joy from booze and lost my late 20s to mid 30s to it.

    Of course, our actions towards others are a major judge of our character, so you have an important ingredient there. Not that your congregations will likely give a fart about their fellows, as with most church-goers, in my experience. They’ll run marathons for charity (some fake ‘Christian’ charity with a CEO on a £200,000 salary) to make themselves look good. I know plenty of those sort, while they ignore the sometimes terrible suffering of the people sitting next to them in church and do not dare even to speak to them in case they are asked for help.

    But we only have one life and there is only one God so we do have the most serious of choices to make because we will reap what we sow.

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    • Heh. The Leg of Lamb of God. I can just imagine all those acolytes intoning ‘Mint sauce…’

      Seriously though, you are right in that it only takes a few provable details to make the rest of my made-up nonsense acceptable to the drones. It’s a game I have played often. I really think I could be another L Ron Hubbard if not for one thing.

      I am not interested in controling anyone. I’d do it for a few hours and then get bored. People who are easily controlled annoy me, which is why I torment them with spontaneous rubbish laced with things they can look up to convince themselves it’s all true.

      And I’m not even Satan. What the haters and fake coughers have to look forward to… I’m just a taste.

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  4. In all seriousness if we could prove that tobacco was part of our religion everything would change. The native Americans used tobacco in this way, but I have never been able to find out what they called the religion.

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    • XX The native Americans used tobacco in this way, but I have never been able to find out what they called the religion.XX

      They probably did not call it anything.

      You only need to name something to differentiaite it from something else. For them, there WAS nothing else. Until the sniveling followers of the camel shaging LSD stoned desert hippy of Nazzereth turned up and demanded a label.

      The same with my religion. It HAS no name. It is just how we do things. Like breathing, and farting.

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    • As I was given to understand it via Grandfather, tobacco use was staged religious performance art to note various social occasion. I compare it to burnt offerings like the Biblical fellers done. ‘Cept they didn’t have frankincense, and myrrh.

      The thing is, the Indians were this vast stew of clan, and the social custom varied. But meeting another person or group most always qualified. Pub smoking would be mandatory, I guess.

      Shit. I see trouble.

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    • I have never heard a name for the American original religion either. As Furor said, you don’t need a name unless there is another religion around to compete with. All I ever heard about were references to ‘The Great Spirit’.

      That’s all any religion would do if there were no others.

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    • It’s likely the tobacco the Amerindians used for their ceremonies was psychoactive, similar to marijuana. Those damned Virginian settlers bred the fun part out.

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      • Perhaps, but I suspect not. If the usage were ceremonial, not habitual, then you likely would experience the nicotine rush every time. Habitual users indulge so often that the mystic aspect is diluted.

        Compare it to banging a supermodel. Once a year, amazing. Once a month, that’s really nice. Every freaking night, that’s getting to be a chore.

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  5. Outstanding Legs!

    But you know how all the little whoppers are built on one big whopper (smoking causes cancer), all the Establishment religions are the same – He was a She before they dropped the ‘S’.

    Smokin’!

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    • That’s why they can’t ever wipe out smokers. What would they blame the increasing rate of lung cancer on then?

      If there is a God, there should be no gender because God does not need to reproduce. Could be a he, she or it.

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  6. Lovely stuff Leggy! The great God Puffa (Pipes be upon him) moves in mysterious ways, especially when he’s had a few…

    GS… Rastafarians claim the alternative weed as essential to their religion. I’m not so sure how successful they’ve been in convincing Plod of this though.

    The way that Marijuana legalisation is progressing in the USA, the irony will be that soon you will be allowed to smoke Cannabis anywhere, but Tobacco nowhere at all.

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  7. “(Blasphemy alert. The deeply religious are not going to like this one very much.”

    Uhm I’m deeply religious but it didn’t offend me in the slightest -infact if you knew what theological students cook up for crazy theories to test points of doctrine etc….”prove-using only canonical Scripture-that Jesus was infact a homosexual alien who taught humanity the True Path to making the perfect cheese sandwich”

    Only the True Believer can speak heresy. If you’d study the New Testament in depth you’d very quickly come to the conclusion that what most Xians believe makes the ‘Church Of The Cheese Sarny’ look positively logical and well grounded in Scripture and your own Congregation Of St.Nick O Teen like it was ‘brought to pass’ by Jahwe himself (aka Him What Will Be Who He Is -cos the Deity needs no syntax).

    Oh just incase you missed the birth of the internet, you can get ordained as a pastor of your own church online. Some states in the US even recognise it as a ‘valid’ ordination and let you perform marriages etc http://www.themonastery.org/ordination

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    • I see what you mean – I can’t be a proper heretic if I’m not part of the Church to begin with. I’ll have to remember to refer to myself as ‘heathen’ (or goyim or infidel, depending who I’m talking to).

      These days, none of those things are anywhere near as horrifying as being a ‘smoker’.

      You can also buy a doctorate online or buy a square foot of land in Scotland and become a Laird… hey wait, I have a square foot of Islay thanks to Laphroiag. I didn’t buy it though so maybe that doesn’t count.

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  8. “I have a nasty feeling I could outstrip Scientology in five years if I was to take this seriously.”

    Actually history teaches us that it is your first disciple that makes the difference or as Sivers puts it :
    “It was the first follower that transformed a lone nut into a leader.
    There is no movement without the first follower.”

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    • The danger is thjat I’d quickly hand the whole thing over to those first followers and lose interest. They might not run the thing in quite the benign way I had envisaged. Once they believe that hand-waving and fake-coughing is proof of demonic possession, things could rapidly get out of hand.

      But would that necessarily be a bad thing? Their only targets would be those who hate us all anyway.

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  9. Who ever created life on this Earth is a relentless tinkerer.

    Like a child drawing on a chalkboard, God draws pictures and then wipes the board mostly clean.

    The ‘Tree of Life’ is mostly dead wood.

    99% of all of the the documented species have gone extinct.

    There have been about 20 extinction events, 5 of them ‘mass extinctions’, in the last 500 million years.

    The ‘Permian- Triassic Event’ of 250 million years ago had 95% of all species go extinct.

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    • I’ve wondered about this before. If Adam was safely tucked away in the garden of Eden, then life oputside could develop as it pleased. It’s only when Adam is shown the door that God might think ‘Well, best give them a chance, so I’ll get rid of those really big reptiles first’.

      It seems to me that Adam could have been in there for a very long time – he was immortal until he was booted out. It all hinges on – does his age in the Bible reflect his true age, or the number of years after he was evicted, which was when he started to age? It’s a big number, sure, but he wasn’t made as a mortal. How long does a revoked immortal live?

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  10. “All those sacrifices by fire in the Old Testament produced a lot of smoke and this is described as ‘pleasing to the Lord’. God likes smoke! It’s all through that book. Denying smoke is denying God and (whoops, getting a bit Ian Paisley with this one. Deep breaths…)”

    I believe Lynda Farley, of “Liberty Van” fame, has documented over 600 instances in the Bible of offering smoke up to God or exhortations to do so.

    Stewart, in terms of the “complexity of life” argument, there’s a counter to it: I just tossed a penny in the air 50 times. It came down in the following pattern:

    h/t/t/h/h/h/t/h/t/h/t/t/h/h/t/h/h/t/h/t/t/t/t/h/t/h/h/t/h/t/t/h/h/t/h/t/t/h/h/t/h/t/t/h/t/h

    I believe it is proof that God exists. Why? Because the chances of it landing in that pattern are about 1 in an octillion or so. Try it yourself: you’ll NEVER be able to replicate that string of tosses!

    But in reality of course, it happened. So the chances of it having happened are 1.0 — 100%.

    Take a look at the Hubble deep space photos of all the tiny fuzzy dots with each fuzzy dot being a galaxy of a million (?) or so stars. By the time you work out the math, the chances of life “happening” all on its own probably aren’t all that far off the mark. And us being here, if we want to posit an absence of God, would be 1.0 — 100% — since we ARE here.

    I happen to be an agnostic deist. Not because of the life happening thing, but because, by the laws of our universe as we understand them, the universe, big bang, whatever, can’t exist without a “cause” preceding it. Whatever that cause might have been is, at least currently, and likely forever, completely beyond our understanding. That cause qualifies as “God.” I also happen to have at least some degree of belief in a personal sort of God-interaction, not based upon anything rational, but just from a “feeling” — and I also believe that part of that God-interaction has an aspect of it being “good” for us to be good to each other and try to help to make people and animals happy. It’s a belief, and there’s no way to prove/disprove it, and I’d certainly never gird the loins of war to go off and stick swords in people who disagreed, and I also recognize some obvious weaknesses in that belief (primarily the suffering of sentient and even semi-sentient beings), but heck, it’s the best I’ve got.

    And I’m quite happy to have a drink ‘n a smoke to that! While reading a good Leggy horror story by a warm fire hopefully!

    – MJM

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  11. Speaking of life on planets and such… what’s been going on with our Martian rover lately? Has it been commandeered by the locals for a joy ride? Or is it just trundling over the same boring nothing day after day?

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  12. I’m a deeply religious bloke – in fact I believe I have the calling (in the fullness of time) to become a vicar. I don’t find anything you say blasphemous in the slightest! I’m quite liberal (small L) but very Libertarian. Why would I (or God) get upset by anything anyone writes, says, or draws? Surely He is better than that? Live and let live.

    I truly believe that if you just live your life as a good person, you’re better than most “religious” people, who merely mouth the words for the sake of appearances. Maybe I’m too revolutionary for the CofE…

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    • Of course part of the provisions of the Smoking Ban was an assault on the power of the Church.

      I have felt favourably towards them ever since I read the reactions

      If LI will permit?

      Smokefree England
      Signage Guidance for Churches, Places of Worship and Church/Parish Halls
      http://www.smokefreeengland.co.uk/files/churches-signage-factsheet.pdf

      Church no smoking signs condemned

      “Rules requiring churches to display no smoking signs when a ban comes into force in England in July have been criticised by a senior London cleric.
      The Dean of Southwark the Very Rev Colin Slee said the sign regulations were “daft” and that historic religious buildings should be exempt.
      A ban on smoking in enclosed public spaces begins on 1 July.
      The Department of Health previously said providing an exemption “would have created a dangerous precedent.”

      Heritage entrances
      Mr Slee claimed one church had been threatened with closure by the council if it failed to comply.
      Speaking on the BBC Radio 4 Today programme he said: “All Deans have received a very formal letter and been instructed that it’s mandatory to put up these signs, even on wonderful Grade I listed heritage entrances”
      http: //news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/6652997.stm

      DEANS of the English cathedrals have accepted “with great reluctance and under protest” the advice that they should conform with the smoke-free signage law which comes into force on Sunday, .
      All signs must read: “No smoking. It is against the law to smoke in these premises”. They must be A5-sized, and display the no-smoking symbol at least 70 mm in diameter. Places of worship and church and parish halls will have to display the sign in a prominent position at every entrance.

      York Minster reported no difficulty: a spokeswoman said it had glass doors where a notice could be placed. Anni Holden, speaking for Hereford diocese, said that, despite concerns, the churches there would be conforming.

      They are less compliant in parts of Suffolk. “Anyone trying to put up a notice on a medieval church would need a faculty to do so, and wouldn’t be granted one,” said a spokesman for the diocese of St Edmundsbury & Ipswich on Tuesday.”
      http: //www.churchtimes.co.uk/content.asp?id=41230

      Holy smoke: Tongue-in-cheek blessing for ‘unsightly’ sign
      “A VICAR blessed his church’s new No Smoking sign in a “protest against excessive bureaucracy”.

      Canon David Garlick, the vicar of St Mary’s Church in Lewisham High Street, led a procession to bless the sign on the church door at the start of a 10am mass.
      The sign, described by Canon Garlick as “unsightly”, is now required by law at the entrance to all churches following the smoking ban introduced on July 1.

      Canon Garlick says the blessing with incense and holy water was made to mock the law and because all new items in churches must be blessed.
      He said: “There was an irony in doing the blessing with smoke on a No Smoking sign but we think the ban allows incense.”

      Canon Garlick said: “I think the congregation was amused and pleased by this protest against excessive bureaucracy.”
      http://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/1542729.holy_smoke_tongueincheek_blessing_for_unsightly_sign/

      “The Bishop of Fulham describes the new rules as “stark, staring mad,” and the Dean of Southwark, the Very Rev Colin Slee, says the legislation is “daft”.
      http: //news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6700117.stm

      “A vicar who lit his pipe in a Kent police station as a protest against the smoking ban has failed in his attempt to get himself arrested.
      The Reverend Anthony Carr, of East Peckham, walked into the station in Tonbridge, asked to report a crime and then started smoking.

      He said he flouted the ban to protest against the erosion of civil liberties.
      Kent Police said they did not arrest the Holy Trinity church vicar because it was an environmental health issue.
      Mr Carr said: “I said to the officer ‘I want to report a crime’ and I took out my pipe and lit it.

      “He said ‘Will you please put that out as this is a no smoking area’ and I said ‘I will not’.”
      When officers told him he would not be “bundled into” the back of a van he said “what a pity”.

      He added: “There are many things which are said to affect our health. You can’t really regulate the minutiae of people’s individual lives like that.”
      Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council said the law protected public health and they would follow up any reports of the smoking ban being broken.

      A spokesman for the Bishop of Rochester said: “We regard this as a personal matter – the church would not wish to comment on the incident.

      “Officially, the church doesn’t condone breaking the law.”
      http: //news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/kent/6271300.stm

      Churches incensed by ‘stop smoking’ signs

      “Senior clerics were fuming yesterday over Government regulations giving churches and cathedrals until July 1 to post “no smoking” signs at their entrances.

      Bishops and cathedral deans warned that the “nanny state” rules were unnecessary and would deface their buildings when it was almost unheard of for someone to light up in the pews.

      The Dean of Southwark, the Very Rev Colin Slee, who is the spokesman of the Association of English Cathedrals, was scathing.
      “It is such nonsense,” he said.

      “One is bound to ask, when did you last hear of somebody smoking in church?”
      The Bishop of Fulham, the Rt Rev John Broadhurst, said: “This is another example of the aggressive nanny state. The whole thing is stark staring mad.”

      A Department of Health spokesman said the Government was anxious to work with religious organisations to ensure that their responsibilities under the law were clear.”
      The Bishop of Fulham, the Rt Rev John Broadhurst, said: “This is another example of the aggressive nanny state. The whole thing is stark staring mad.”

      A Department of Health spokesman said the Government was anxious to work with religious organisations to ensure that their responsibilities under the law were clear.”
      http: //www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1551470/Churches-incensed-by-stop-smoking-signs.html

      Church leaders take a stand over barmy bureaucracy
      “Published Date: 01 July 2007
      Church leaders are taking a stand against ‘barmy’ laws forcing them to put up no smoking signs.
      Father John Williams, the Rector of West Wittering, Birdham and Itchenor, has added his own finishing touches to each of the signs.

      Above them he has written: ‘Despite a three-centuries-old tradition that there is no smoking in churches, modern brainless bureaucracy requires us to deface this ancient building with the following notice’.

      And at St Joseph’s Church, in West Street, Havant, parish priest Tom Grufferty will put up a no smoking sign in Latin, saying ‘Luminarium Nullus’, in protest against what he thinks are ‘health and safety laws gone ballistic’.

      Father Williams said: ‘I have been involved in churches since the age of six or seven and now I am 65.
      ‘And I have never, ever, seen anyone smoke.
      ‘It is absolutely ridiculous.
      ‘For so many years people have not smoked in churches and there has never been no smoking signs, so what’s changed now?’

      Places of worship are not exempt from the ban on smoking in public places, which comes into force today, (Sunday July 1) so churches have been warned by councils that they must put up the signs or face fines of up to £1,000.”
      http: //www.haylingtoday.co.uk/news/local/church-leaders-take-a-stand-over-barmy-bureaucracy-1-1281635
      More ecclesiastical disapproval.

      From Great Torrington.

      “NO SMOKING The obvious way to deal with the stupid “smokefree” legislation is to ignore it; whoever smoked in churches anyway?
      The other approach, as in the example recently reported from Langtree, is to ridicule it.
      Here is another good example of the second approach (which does however need tightening a little: it is not ballooning, etc, that would be patronizing, but the reminder that we should not do it in church and they should decide how they wish to spell “patronize” – either way will do. And the wording of the original official notice is not quite right: you would normally smoke on premises, not in them.).
      The Churchwardens of that church (where is it?) are to be congratulated.”

      NO SMOKING

      IT IS AGAINST THE LAW TO SMOKE IN THESE PREMISES.
      Also there is to be no rape, pillage, murder, theft, kidnapping, rollerblading, ball games, trapeze acts, bathing in blancmange, fox hunting, bear baiting, hare coursing,hot air ballooning, driving of double decker buses nor any activity which patronized the congregation in the way our government forces us to patronize you by obliging us to display this ridiculous notice.”
      http: //www.great-torrington.org.uk/news.htm

      But sadly, ASH and New Labour showed them who was boss

      Some of those links no longer work

      Like

    • Stewart described those who do it for appearances very well. I’ve long ago realised the difference between a ‘Christian’ and a ‘churchgoer’ and I’m certain it applies to all religions.

      I have ‘churchgoers’ living next door, who I refer to as the Plastic Family. They attend church but once that service is over, they are the most self-absorbed bunch of horrible people you could ever hope to meet Definitely not Christians.

      I would rather spend time inthe company of the Jehovah’s Witnesses who call here sometimes. I don’t agree with their beliefs but I am sure they are sincere about them.

      Like

  13. I have a religious faith because it is the intelligent thing to do and when I choose to gamble I refuse to wager more than I wish to lose.

    Since it can neither be proven or dis-proven that Heaven and Hell exist, there is a 50-50 probability that they do exist.

    I am wagering that they do exist.

    If I lose, I have lost nothing and, if I win, I have won/gained eternal joy.

    Atheists are wagering that Heaven and Hell do not exist.

    If they win, they have gained nothing and, if they lose, they are totally screwed.

    I also gamble with lung cancer by smoking.

    In any given year, the odds are about 180- 1 that I will not die from lung cancer in that year.

    That is a 99.4% probability in my favor.

    I feel comfortable with those odds.

    Smokers account for 21% of lung cancer death in the USA = 32,814 deaths per year

    68% of those deaths occur over the age of 65 = 22,314 deaths

    10% of the people over the age of 65 are current smokers = 4,000,000

    4,000,000 divided by 22,314 = 179

    Like

    • The Bible doesn’t definitely mention Hell. The terms ‘sheol’ and ‘the pit’ can be taken to refer to a big hole in the ground (a real one) near a city, where all the crap and waste was dumped. Being thrown in there after death, instead of a proper burial on consecrated ground, would be enough to leave your soul homeless.

      At least, that’s one interpretation I read about. Can’t read the original texts myself, all I have is O level French and that’s not much use in that context.

      If smokers account for 21% of lung cancer deaths (and we know that if there is any possible way a cancer death can be linked to smoking, it’ll be counted as such) then at least 79% of lung cancer deaths are non-smokers.

      Nobody seems much interested in finding out what causes them…

      Like

  14. The trillions of stars in the observable universe are only 20% of what is out there.

    The other 80% is Dark Matter and Dark Energy that we can not see; but, it’s gravity is what holds things together.

    Maybe it’s God?

    Like

    • The same thought has occurred to me. If God is omnipresent then he must be at least as big as the universe. Maybe if we discover that dark matter is God, then the game is over.

      Our turn to hide 😉

      Like

  15. Oh dear. I do believe Leggie has gone too far. It is now by my watch 22.25 Thursday night and no update from him. The big fella did not like the crack about his butt (crack/butt oh no what have I done??) and Leggie has been vaporized. So long Leggie. And thanks

    Like

  16. God, or nature, or Gaia created everything. Does that include all of the wonderful chemical factories we call plants? Mycelium is the tree, psilocyn (or muscarine) if my memory serves, is NOT the work of any creator who wants us to suffer. Nice creator, thankyou. You wanna smoke, watcha want?

    So, all these psychotropics. Why? Space aliens flicked their butts at us as they flew by. That’s why they left us the moon, perfectly round, perfectly positioned to eclipse the sun, capable of influencing tides of ocean and ovaries. Nice space aliens, thankyou space aliens. What do you want, after a smoke, that is? Ya wanna EAT my planet!! Feck off, this is a solar system, not a Little Chef on the Orion Arm.

    Like

    • I am currently reading another of those ‘hollow moon theory’ books. Kindle makes it cheap to keep up with wild ideas these days.

      So far, nothing new to report. Same ‘artefacts’ that have been bandied around the internet for ages. I’m halfway through, maybe this time there’ll be some new idea in there.

      It certainly gives me story ideas. That’s the kind I like. Stories where if you go looking for the strange things in the book, you find them. Then you have to wonder which parts are fiction.

      Like

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