Life came from God’s butt.

(Blasphemy alert. The deeply religious are not going to like this one very much. In the interests of balance, neither will the atheists)

Life came from God’s butt. Science has declared it so. Experts have said and studies have shown and all that jazz.

Science is now considering that vitamin B3 – niacin, aka nicotinic acid, arrived on Earth on what they pretend are meteorites. Since vit B3 makes up a vital component of basic metabolism and is essential to all forms of life from bacteria to brachiosaurs, that means there would be no life on Earth at all without it. Well, there might be life, Jim, but not as we know it.

Naturally, nowhere in the article does anyone suggest the merest hint of a slight consideration of the outside chance of any connection between nicotinic acid and nicotine… even though the former was first synthesised in the lab from the latter.

What this suggests is that far from being a wonderful paradise, the earliest incarnation of this planet was as God’s ashtray. Where he stubbed out his butts while pondering what to do with the great mass of nothing around him. Whether to create a planet with a sun and a moon and whether, once he got started on that sort of thing, he’d know when to stop. He had planned to make just one angel, for a bit of company, and now he had whole hosts of them. It might start out as just one star and one planet but…

One day God looked into his ashtray and noticed the formation of some interesting molecules. ‘I could make living things out of those’, he thought. Where to put them though? Well, why not use this little round ashtray. Tidy it up a bit, plant some trees and stuff, make all kinds of different living things with all their metabolism based on nicotine, God’s favourite molecule. Formed from dust we were indeed, the dust in God’s ashtray. We are all made of cigarettes.

This is incontrovertible proof that God smokes because if he didn’t we wouldn’t even be here. The Puritans have it very, very wrong.

There is no mention of Jesus smoking, but since his very first miracle involved gatecrashing a wedding party and showing how amazingly fast he was at homebrew, I think we can safely assume that he was no Puritan either.

All life is based on nicotinic acid. Meteorites, coated in third hand smoke, are still arriving. Those gas clouds out in space are just massive puffs of cigarette smoke. The entire universe is just one big smoky pub and all the angels are laughing and shaking their heads at our little smoke-free corner of it.

That’s why Hell is full of flames. The evil ones spend eternity sat on God’s lighter, and it’s a big one. It’s always on.

The evil ones are, in the main, those who want to eliminate God’s favourite molecule from the face of the Earth and thereby turn it into a barren wasteland, devoid of all life.

All those sacrifices by fire in the Old Testament produced a lot of smoke and this is described as ‘pleasing to the Lord’. God likes smoke! It’s all through that book. Denying smoke is denying God and (whoops, getting a bit Ian Paisley with this one. Deep breaths…)

The tobacco plant grows just about anywhere. It grows from an infinitesimal speck into a six-foot monster in a single growing season. A Big Bang in chlorophyll green. Then it sends forth thousands of new tiny specks to do it all again. God made sure that one wouldn’t die out.

I feel the dawn of a new religion – or rather the dawn of a new subset of an old religion. And yet this vision, vouchsafed to me by a bloke with a beard, unites all religions. They all burn something at some stage. They all have the Holy Fire somewhere in their tenets. The One True Smoky God and His Drinky Son. Then there’s the Holy Spirit, which must surely live in a bottle.

I cannot believe that any kind of God would go to all this trouble so that Puritans can just pretend it’s all simply not there. If we were put here for a reason, that reason cannot possibly be ‘Live a life of abject misery, deny yourself the pleasures I have put forth to tempt you, and then you can leave all hope of those pleasures behind and sit on a cloud all day playing a harp.’

It’s really not that great a deal, is it?

Isn’t it more logical to consider that the first thing you will be offered at the Pearly Gates is a glass of port and a cigar?

“Don’t smoke? Oh dear, the big guy won’t like that. Didn’t you notice how he had tobacco plants growing all over the planet? Didn’t you ever stop to wonder why? You were supposed to enjoy life, not ignore it!” This is where he reaches for the trapdoor lever…

Then there is yeast. It’s everywhere too. It lives on the outside of fruit – surely that is a really big hint? “Look, all you have to do is mash it up in water and honey and keep it warm for a while. Come on guys, it’s right there for you in kit form.”

If we assume that the planet was made, and we were put on it, and that there was a purpose, why would we assume that this Creator made us just to be miserable? Are we really only here to worship a deity? Well I’m not playing that game. That sounds like a deity with a Narcissus complex to me.

Consider what else is here. Tobacco – loads of it. The means to make booze – loads of that too. Bacon. If all that stuff we aren’t supposed to have is all just the temptations of the Devil, then the Devil did more creating than God! Sure, we should thank God for providing this huge party room, floored with nice soft grass to fall down onto, that’s only common courtesy after all.

Isn’t he going to get a bit confused when Puritans thank him for all the stuff they are not using? Isn’t he going to be shaking his head in despair at those who seek to stop others using all the things he has provided to keep us, his pets, entertained?

What if there is a smoky-drinky God who just wants us to be excellent to each other and party on, dudes, and has provided all the means to do so with little effort on our part? Where is the Devil then?

The Devil is in those who want to wreck God’s plan, just as religion has always said. The Devil, being a cunning old devil, has done that by setting up organised religion that tells us not to do what we are put here to do. Immensely rich and powerful bishops, cardinals and the Pope order us to live as they instruct and tell us it is the word of God. “Deny yourself everything. Give it to us and… er… we’ll dispose of it all to save you from yourselves”.

It started long before Christianity. Priests demanded a free lamb for the sacrificial fire because lamb was expensive to buy in pre-Lidl history. There’s not much meat on a lamb so you have to pay more per pound.

Picture the scene, the Priest Canteen. The people have been calmed and it’s time for lunch.

“What’s on the menu today. Lamb? Great.”

(five sacrifices later) “Oh come on. Lamb again? We should get them to sacrifice an ox next time.”

So it was always okay for the priests to eat lambs. The sacrifice part only applied to the plebs. The elite get to eat and the poor get to pay for it. Is this the work of God or Satan? You decide.

So it is with modern politics. Same thing. The elite get subsidised bars even though they have more money than most of us will ever see in a lifetime, and we poor buggers subsidise it. They get cheap booze while demanding we pay much more for ours, even though we are already paying for theirs. Nothing has changed.

It is said by the Popery types and the other religions of that ilk that Satan will one day rule this world. Look around, dopes. Satan has been in charge for ages. Why do you think that gold-encrusted bishop passes around a collection plate? Whose side is he on? Yours? If he is on your side why does he want to make you even poorer? Religions, of almost all types, have a very, very rich elite and they all take money from poor people. God or Satan? Which of them would do that?

So when they tell you to sacrifice your pleasures and give them money, they are going against the word of the Smoky-Drinky God who set up an entire planet full of stuff to smoke and drink and eat and enjoy. Why would He do that if he wanted to save you from sin? He didn’t. That is what the uber-Righteous will never understand. It is not about what you do to yourself. You can strap a sharp celise to your leg and flagellate your back with fish hooks if you want to. It is all irrelevant.

It is about what you do to other people.

Filling your limited lifespan with pain and self-denial must surely count as total insanity. No God could possibly be impressed by such idiocy. No, if there really is a God, what he is interested in is your actions towards other people.

Those who want control over others are going to the burny place. Those who are happy to enjoy life and to let others live life their own way will be the favoured ones.

That is the doctrine of the Smoky-Drinky Religion. Who wants to sign up? No self-harming or penury or pointless guilt for things you didn’t do are required.

You just have to give the God smoke. No need for cigarettes, this God is happy with tobacco burned in a bowl. Douse it in vodka and he will smile upon you. A little lopsided at times but a smile nonetheless.

Note – do not burn malt whisky. Never mind the wrath of God, the wrath of Leg-iron is more immediate. If you wish to sacrifice malt whisky, I will deal with that.

And so, I have become the next L. Ron Hubbard but without all the aliens and shit. Just booze, fags, salt, sugar and Mars bars in batter.

I have a nasty feeling I could outstrip Scientology in five years if I was to take this seriously.

In ten years I could overtake Christianity, Islam and Judaism. And I offer nothing beyond what is already in everyone’s reach. The fruit of the tree next to the tree of knowledge. The tree of life.

Take a leaf. Roll it up…