The race is on.
Duff Sheila has declared that Scotland must be tobacco-free by 2034. Twenty years. That is how long I have to produce a tobacco plant growing wild on every bit of spare ground in Scotland. Under every damn windmill and on the edge of every golf course.
Duff Sheila – challenge accepted.
Let’s up the ante, Duff. Let’s make it ten years. I’m way behind you now so you have nothing to worry about, apart from not getting your pension in ten years. Nothing to fear.
By 2024, Scotland will either be smoke free or covered in wild tobacco. That’s my aim, Duff. Want to take the bet? Go on, you have degrees in things that will help you counter the machinations of an evil biologist. Don’t you? No? Well get something relevant either to combating The Smoker or to at least doing your damn job. You have ten years.
Apparently the 2034 thing was not her idea, it was something she either stole or manipulated from a 100 metre runner called Allan Wells. He is apparently a Scottish hero.
To me, he is a git who wants to control my life and nothing more than that. So he can run a short distance at high speed. That will be useful if he is ever faced by a fat mugger but of no practical use otherwise. On the basis of his bit of running, he feels he has the right to tell me how to live.
Okay, Wellsey, how about this?
I hate running because I can’t do it. So I insist it must be illegal to run when nobody is chasing you. I declare that running for fun is so obviously irrational that anyone found running must have been up to something and should be detained by the police until they fall down some stairs.
Does that seem fair, runner boy? It is exactly the same as your wish to curtail what I enjoy just because you don’t like it. You filthy bastard.
And now you have given ammunition to the New Nazis.
Hero? If this is what people now regard as a hero, then there is nothing left.
It is perhaps worth noting one small detail here. Heroes don’t run.
In this race, Wells, we don’t need you and we especially do not need the twisted form of ‘heroism’ your kind spout.
Who will win? The ones with the funding or the ones with the seeds?
I have no funding but I have an awful lot of seeds.