That’s what the film ‘Waterworld’ should have been called. All of it has passed through a bladder at some point, human or otherwise. Ducks piss and crap in reservoirs as do fish and otters and all sorts of other animals. We drink wee. Well, you lot do. I drink it after it has had the wee distilled out.

The Daily Dronescarer today reports that there is cocaine in drinking water. Don’t get excited, they admit that there isn’t really, it’s just the metabolites peed out by cocaine users. Not actual cocaine. This stuff is used, the active part is gone. You will not get high on tap water. You’ll just get wet.

Funnily enough, they don’t mention the little detail that if the peed-out metabolites of a drug are in tap water, then… tap water is urine.

Which means…

Tap water must therefore also contain cotinine, peed out by smokers. If you drink water you will fail a cotinine test. It will also contain the excess salt peed out by heavy salt users and sugar peed out by diabetics. (There are obvious reasons why the sugar won’t be there at all, but let’s not trouble the drones with complexities. They already screw up their little faces at the idea that bees are not the only pollinators in the world).

In fact, anything that can be detected in urine must, logically, be present in tap water. Including urea (same as sugar but again, the drones won’t notice). All those medications, all those bladder infections, all those byproducts of all the horrible things, all of them spew forth from that tap you imagine is giving you purity but which is in fact directly linked to a pipe stuck on the end of Satan’s knob.

They are already trying to eat no fat or sugar at all and now it is not safe to drink the water. Oh, right, they only drink bottled water. Where do they imagine those bottles are filled, I wonder? At a pure and fresh mountain spring? Nope. At the public urinal. Why do you think they provide those urinals? Out of the goodness of their hearts?

In the very olden days before even I was born, water was considered a dangerous thing to drink unless it had been made into ‘small beer’. This was pretty much shandy-strength stuff you could drink all day and the safety part was in the boiling of the water during mash production. The boiling would have been enough but back in the days when humans reached adulthood, boiled water was just bland and if you’re going to all the trouble of boiling it anyway, why not make it into beer? Makes sense.

The problem for the drones is, they are scared of beer too! The residue of beer drinkers is also in tap water now and I am working on making tap water an even stronger drink 😉

So they won’t drink alcoholic drinks and they can no longer drink water and all foods and soft drinks contain water… Oh this is getting interesting.

Maybe this is why the Puritans get so far ahead and then collapse every time they try to impose their grey and awful world on us all. Maybe, every time, they push the absurdity to a point where all their useful idiots convince themselves to death.

Maybe, in this round of Puritanism, that point is fast approaching. I say we help it along.

All it takes is a little push.


19 thoughts on “Weeworld.

  1. One of these days I’ll learn.

    I always try to be conservative in my prognostications. I do my best not to appear to be the wild, hairy, crazy guy ranting on a street corner while raving tattered leaflets o’er his banged-up haid.

    So, back in the mid 90s I warned they’d try to ban smoking in bars, turning them all into “fern bars” (as the few such places that voluntarily existed were referred to in that era.) My bar-owner and bartender friends thought I was sorta cute with my silly “jokes” and laughed.

    And back in 2003 while writing Brains I decided to just sort of “hint” at a future where the Antis would demand smoking bans on restaurant patios. All I did was quote a couple of Antis in a text box on one page. And of course I got attacked for being a wild eyed extremist by some of my non-activist friends who held that that would NEVER happen of course.

    Then I talked about the idea that smokers simply “touching” people, especially holding babies etc, would be seen as poisonous. Of course by the time I wrote TNacht that sort of fear had already started to spread in the media.

    I wrote a parody titled “Drink XQZ Beer!” where I parodied the idea of alcohol being required to have “plain” labels without logos other than plain alphabet identifiers at the bottom of gory pictures. And yep, they’re now seriously mooting that idea around and about.

    I’ve tried warning that after they get done with their taxing/labeling of smokes and alcohols, that they’ll go after meat using the same tools. So? Now we have this:


    The closing tale in TNacht is titled “Breathers” and we’ll be smack in the middle of THAT world as soon as some ebola-type disease goes airborne and flies through our airports on all those nice smoke free planes and in those pretty smoke free terminals.

    Pretty soon, this will be all we have left:


    At least we won’t die of diabetes.

    – MJM


    • “Then I talked about the idea that smokers simply “touching” people, especially holding babies etc, would be seen as poisonous”
      It already happens, a friend asked for a plate to be passedat a BBQ last week, turned me down and asked someone else, and I no longer even smoke I only vape. She didn’t want nicotine fingers to touch a plate she was about to feed her toddler from.


      • Mother knows best. No nicotinamide for that child! Spread the word – niacin is made from nicotine and it’s added to many foods now.

        Oho. Sometimes a thought just pings into place.

        The current media frenzy about Red Bull and other drinks can be harnessed here. They all contain a batch of vitamins including niacin. Give them the ‘niacin is nicotinic acid, made from nicotine’ line and they can bash the energy drinks. Why are they so addictive? Well, because they contain niacin which comes from nicotine. That’s why.

        I can just see the Daily Mail reporters falling to their knees in the street and wailing ‘Red Bull is made out of smokers!’

        That should get it going.

        This is what happens when your thoughts get to float free in a bath of whisky, making connections that really shouldn’t be made 😉


  2. Ahhh Leggie, you’re missing a trick here with this one! Drug metabolites in sewage are one of the very strongly Not Talked About things that the various drug bansturbators of this world will absolutely not discuss.

    The reason here is simple. Drug metabolites are unique to the original drug, and there is a one to one mapping where one molecule of metabolite equals one molecule of original drug ingested by a human being. At least one, in fact, as sewage is a fairly active bacterial soup in which there are thousands of different little beasties, some of which regard drug metabolites as really quite tasty.

    By determining how much drug metabolite is in a sample of sewage (or several samples, using a Poisson Distribution to sort out the sample size needed), you can determine how much drug originally was ingested by the population served by the sewer in question. From this sort of sampling, several very clear trends emerge:

    Firstly, the drug levels go up at the weekend (this observation brought to you by the department of no shit, Sherlock).

    Secondly, the amounts of various drugs vary by country. Americans have an unaccountable love of amphetamines, Britons prefer cocaine and the Dutch seem to love cannabinoids.

    Thirdly and most importantly, the amounts of metabolite indicate a level of drug consumption, and a tonnage of drugs consumed that is getting on for an order of magnitude greater than the old government estimates (poorly-informed guesses, more like) were.

    These findings, which hold true in every place the research was conducted (and as all one needs to conduct such research is a gas chromatograph, sampling kit and a clothspeg for one’s nose, many scientists have done this) demonstrate that drug use is much, much higher than any government has ever thought. Police attempts to confiscate drugs and to prevent importation are much, much poorer than were ever thought, and serve as little more than a tax upon stupid drug dealers.

    Finally, there are way more drug users than anybody ever thought there were. Nobody has ever detected them or suspected their existence. This means that contrary to bansturbator myth, most people can handle their ale, coke, crystal meth, dope, shrooms or whatever their drug of choice is. “Reefer madness” doesn’t exist, and drug legalisation will have next to no effect save for putting a lot of drug dealers out of business when proper businessmen get into the market and out-compete these amateur nincompoops.


    • Just as with alcohol then. Most people don’t go out and look for fights when they’ve had a few, but those people are invisible to the tabloids. It’s not news unless someone is bleeding.

      The only druggies anyone sees are those who end up in court for stealing to fund their habit. I’d guess most cocaine users can actually afford their habit, so don’t steal, so don’t get noticed.

      I am sure ther are far more smokers than the government know about, too. In the current climate, I bet at least half of smokers would say ‘no’ if asked if they smoke. Especially at job interviews and at the doctor’s. The decline in smoking is an illusion brought on by the demonisation of smokers.


  3. Ah yes – Waterworld, where global warming has melted the ice caps and all the baddies are smokers (not sure where they get their baccy from though…)


    • They get their baccy from a secret place behind mysterious doors, because it’s the future.

      Waterworld was a total failure as a propaganda piece because zipping about in that catamaran actually looked like a lot of fun. As did mutating to grow gills. And there was still tobacco and booze around.

      Land? who needs it?


  4. Interesting idea Leggy. There is also the fact that all our air is massively recycled. So people are breathing air the was breathed by smokers. The puritans are worrying about third hand smoke now, the fools don’t realise the real danger. Only those fortunate few who inhale healthy firsthand smoke will survive.


    • Yes, you need to inhale through a burning leaf to purify the air. That’s why all those toxins are found in cigarettes – they’ve been filtered out of the air before they get to the smoker.


  5. Don’t forget to tell them how all those bottles the water comes in are just chock full of PCBs which will have them growing bOObs or some such; we’ll have the buggers limited to eating their own shit and drinking their own piss in no time!


    • Indeed, drinking out of plastic will give the men tig ol’ bitties (it’s a YouTube thing) and the women will get armpit hair that looks like a rat’s nest every morning.

      The ultimate in recycling is coming to their dinner tables any day now 😉


      • “Indeed, drinking out of plastic will give the men tig ol’ bitties ”

        I’m not a big commercial TV watcher, but over here in the States, we get the most incredible pharmaceutical ads for antidepressants and such things that seem to spend a good 80% of their ad warning you of the dire consequences if you use their product…. while meanwhile having happy cartoon families of users cavorting in the background. Weird. In terms of tig bitties (I wonder what Google Translate does to that?) there’s a law firm out there recruiting men who’ve grown boobs because they were given some sort of ADHD meds as teens for a big old-fashioned class-action lawsuit.

        – MJM


        • Agh! I have been stuck on YouTube because the Tig Ol’ Bitties band have sooo many things on there. I recommend Orphan tears and Grandma’s got a facebook…

          There are a lot more kids getting medicated now than there used to be. One day Pfizer will face a lawsuit for turning an entire generation into weasels.


    • Ahahahaha! If only they were testing for cotinine, which should result from niacin consumption, they’d have to ban all bread and anything made from flour.

      Let them eat cake. Oh no, wait…


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