No arguing – they know best.

In a copy of the antismoking propaganda so blatant only a fully infantilised drone could miss it, the WHO claim that three million people die of alcohol related things every year. As when a smoker is hit by a bus and it’s recorded as a smoking related death (works for ex-smokers and those who once knew a smoker too, that’s why more smokers die every year than actually exist), anyone who dies and who liked a tipple is a drink-related death. Whether it was drink that killed them or not.

If they were crossing the road on the way to the pub, it’s a drink related death. If they were an overweight ex-smoker too, they died three times. With all the new bans and lifestyle controls, soon each of us will die more times than a cat. Eventually the WHO will report the death rate as a number three times the size of the entire population of the planet even if you include all the spiders and bluebottles. And the drones will nod in blind compliance.

Alcohol apparently now causes 200 diseases, so it’s a mystery to me why I don’t have any of them despite trying very, very hard for many years. I don’t have any smoking related ones either and I’m neither obese nor diabetic despite eating just what I like, whenever I like. And I have so far failed to die of anything, or even have a day off sick since the early 1990s when I had flu. I suppose I’m just one of life’s failures.

There’s no point arguing with the WHO. The World Hate Organisation knows best and its made-up pronouncements become fact as soon as they are uttered.

You must also stop talking about the detrimental effects of artificial sweetener. This Has Been Stated and it is now fact – sugar is bad for you, strange and unnatural chemicals are just fine. You must accept this. You must obey. They know best, even when it is clear they know nothing at all. Artificial sweeteners are only in fizzy drinks and chewing gum? Methinks someone should look closely at a lot more labels.

As an intestinal-microbiology scientist I’m sticking with sugar, thanks. Just don’t eat too much of it and there’s no problem. Besides, you can’t make booze with aspartame. Maybe that’s why they want the sugar gone. Won’t work. You don’t need sugar to make beer and you can make wine without it too – not as strong perhaps, but wine nonetheless. Well ripened fruit is the key to that one. Alternatively, use honey. They dare not ban that!

As for ‘hidden sugar’ – every label on every food you buy has ‘carbohydrate’ and ‘sugars’ listed by law. Also how much sodium is in there – a nonsensical one since it only refers to added salt, not to the sodium content of the rest of the food.

Then there is the Halal issue. Recently, a moron in charge of a supermarket declared that customers never objected to their Halal meat before the tabloids started banging on about it. They didn’t object to it because they didn’t know they were buying it, because it’s not labelled. This is beyond the comprehension of a supermarket boss which makes me wary oif his ability to ensure food safety compliance, a far more complex issue than writing ‘Halal’ or ‘Not’ on a label.

Ah, but refusing to eat Halal meat is now Islamophobic even though Islam forbids we infidels from eating it. Only the best and healthiest animals can be Halal, we horrible heretics can have the scabby ones.

The dhimmi who wrote the article uses this phrasing – “… it was claimed the restaurant chain Pizza Express uses halal chicken on its pizzas…” when Pizza Express have quite openly stated that they don’t tell people their chicken is Halal unless they ask. They don’t lie about it, when asked they say so, they just don’t advertise it. On this matter, Pizza Express are perfectly open. There is no ‘claimed’ about it. The wording implies that Pizza Express are being accused of something they aren’t doing, which is just Leftie weasel words.

There is a Sharia Halal Board. Did you know that this board existed to push Halal onto us all whether we want it or not, and to accuse us of racism if we don’t like it? No, neither did I. Well it’s of no importance as far as Pizza Express are concerned. I can buy a cold pizza in a supermarket far cheaper than a hot one in their shops and heat it in 15 minutes or less. The nearest Pizza Express is in trhe next town so they can’t deliver in 15 minutes anyway. I always go for pepperoni except for the time I bought a haggis one. Neither of those is in any danger of being Halal. I suppose the sheep parts in the haggis might be but it’s surely had the Halal processed out of it by the time it’s ready.

Incidentally, the processing of poultry isn’t nice, whether Halal or not. A single chicken doesn’t sell for much so the processors have to conveyor-belt them through, and it’s a process that would make Leatherface gasp in admiration at the wanton brutality of it all. Hey, you want cheap chicken, they have to kill a lot of them fast. It’s cruel, yes, but I eat it anyway. The alternative would be to raise my own chickens and kill them softly to the strains of Beethoven’s sixth symphony while projecting chicken porn on the walls around them. Sorry chickens, that’s too much bother. The speed they go through that choppy place, I wonder that any priest can pray that fast.

We have to put up with Halal. It’s for the Sharias. They know best. Anyway, I see it as one in the eye for the radical Islamists. Hey, radicals. I’m in your curry house, eating your food. No scabby stuff for this infidel. Haha, I’m eating the holy stuff and I don’t believe in anything at all. Well, you refuse to label it and I’ll eat just about anything so there you go. And I’m going to wash it down with whisky too, then have a smoke afterwards.

I’m sure a commenter pointed out (Flaxen Saxon maybe? [update – it was Bulaman]) a while back that all New Zealand lamb is Halal. The UK supermarkets might not even know that! That comment might have been on another blog I read late on, when things get hazy. Well, most of this week I  don’t start work until 5 pm so there is a lot more haziness at night than usual.

We won’t have to worry about Halal for too much longer anyway. Locusts, woodlice and dung beetles will never be Halal, nor Kosher, and that is what They Who Know Best expect us all to live on.

Maybe that is what is happening to all the bees. They’re getting turned into pies in Sweeny Todd’s hives.

You could make scampi from locusts and since most scampi isn’t even prawns any more it might well be hard to spot the difference. You never know, it might even be an improvement over the ‘mechanically reclaimed’ fish scraps that is in most of the cheap stuff now. Getting scampi made from langoustines will take a second mortgage for most of us. Langoustines, locusts, both start with an ‘L’ and both look really creepy when alive so there’s no difference really.

Insects might well be edible but so are horses and dogs, and there has been outcry about horses on the menu already. I really don’t see even the French accepting insect burgers too well, and they eat snails and frogs’ legs (the legs aren’t bad, just far too small, although I have not tried snails). Even in China, where roast dog and wokked pigs’ stomach lining are on almost every restaurant menu, I never saw sweet and sour earwig or lemon cockroach or spider in black bean sauce on offer. Even the Chinese, the ultimate omnivores, don’t eat insects.

I bet there’s not much Halal in China. I can see Islamic priests getting a response from Allah along the lines of ‘You want to eat what?’

Getting the British public to chow down on houseflies in aspic or to accept the grubs of the carrot fly as extra protein really does not sound likely to me. Especially when they find out – as they will – that those who make them eat this crap are tucking into a rump steak or a lamb shank daily – and on the cricket-munching taxpayer too.

They know best, they say, but they don’t know what they are setting up for themselves.

Let’s not tell them. Let’s just get a good stock of popcorn in for what will happen when their drones get pushed just that little bit too far.