The Man who Bit his Heart.

Say what you like about the Daily Mail, but it even beats Fortean Times as a source of horror-story ideas. Yes, it sounds callous and it probably is – but real life stories were the basis for such tales as ‘’ and ‘The Transformation Ritual’. Sometimes you can turn tragedy into entertainment. It’s a strange kind of entertainment that scares you into sleepless nights but people seem to like being scared. That’s why they love to be told they can be killed by invisible, odourless smoke. It replaces the hobgoblins of old. And I am only too happy to feed their fears.

The Mail story is a tragedy of NHS bungling – a simple X-ray or ultrasound would have identified the source of the man’s problem. Instead, it took four years for his own false teeth to gnaw through his oesophagus and bite his aorta. Now that right there is the basis of a particularly unpleasant horror story, especially since it will include the horror of bungling doctors.

I won’t write it at once. Give the man’s relatives some time to get over it, and me some time to adjust the idea into ‘something along those lines’. For now I will file it away and mull it over. Eventually, the brain/whisky combination will spark something.

It’s going to be heavily based upon the main character being an antismoker, and the doctors assuming that since he has never smoked and has spent his life avoiding all contact with smokers, there can’t possibly be anything wrong with him.

I don’t know if the real life tragedy happened to an antismoker, but I am sure he was a nonsmoker. If he had been a smoker, the first thing they would have done was check every square inch of his chest. He’d have ben in front of an X-ray machine before he could strike up his Zippo.

It can’t be false teeth though. Too ordinary.

Maybe… the insects as food aspect will work here. It only takes one undercooked egg, you know.

Oh, I feel the writing mood returning at last.

About bloody time too.




18 thoughts on “The Man who Bit his Heart.

  1. He was disabled. It’s what I was saying the other day about ‘useless eaters’ being left to die, like my 92 year-old gran and my friend, an alcoholic for decades.

    But for months leading up to next year’s general election, all the parties will be concentrating on the only three things they ever concentrate on at election time – and the three things they mess up the most – the NHS (safe in our hands, not theirs), schools (better education if you vote for us; more teachers, blah, blah), law and order (could we have some based on justice and common sense? No. thought not).


    • Culling the useless and the feckless is actually a thought that deserves to be followed to it’s logical conclusion. For, if we are to cull the useless of society, then ahead of them in the queue must surely be the actively harmful, with the most harmful of all being first to the scaffold.

      Espousing of dangerous ideas, ones known to have a deleterious effect on the health, wealth and happiness of society has to be the most cardinal of crimes. Therefore I would place the followers of Socialism at the front of the queue until proven otherwise, simply for the heinous wrecking of economies that they have in the past achieved. Following on from them, those who seek to ban tobacco products ought similarly to be destroyed, for their influence is almost as pernicious.

      Smoking tobacco increases your chances of developing lung cancer, and damages your circulatory system. This is not particularly surprising, given the noxious hell-brew that is formed when anything is incompletely burned. Nicotine by contrast is a rather benign chemical, in the right doses; it is merely the delivery method which is at fault.

      So, surely the banning of tobacco is a good thing? Nothing could be further from the truth. Tobacco smokers pay heavy taxes for their pleasure, and tend to die before they become a burden upon the state. In other words they pay into society’s coffers and do not subsequently draw upon them; truly they are flawless altruists to a man! Interfering with such altruism is the act of thoughless, mindless idiots and the removal of such is similarly a very good idea.


      • The only people who deserve to be ‘put down’ are traitors as was always the case in every society. Otherwise, who are we to judge who should live or die? I was a socialist before I got better educated.


      • Some of us intend to live long enough to reclaim every damn penny we’ve paid in. And at the end I want all the machines wired into me including the one that goes ‘beeeeep’ when you die. I’ve already paid for it all.


  2. “Swallowed his teeth whilst VOMITING?”


    Did have a fucking backfire or something?

    In my experience, vomiting is the exact OPPOSITE of swallowing.

    Maybe some people are just….”different.”


    • They must have gone down on the backflow and he thought he had spewed them out and lost them. If he was calling Huey on the porcelain phone at the time, he most likely thought he’d flushed them.

      But in four years of complaining of pains, no doctor once thought to just get an X-ray and take a look? Always, always tell your doctor that you smoke or that you used to. You’ll be in X-ray within a week.


    • Hospital – one of the least desirable places to go if you’re ill. They have diseases you can’t catch anywhere else. If you are old they want you to die and if you are young they want to break you up for spares.

      Best short joke I heard in a long time was where a man visits his doctor –

      Doctor – ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.”

      Patient – ‘No, I know, but I’ve been ill.’


First comments are moderated to keep the spambots out. Once your first comment is approved, you're in.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s