Shh! Don’t explain the plan, Blofeld!

In every book or film that follows the James Bond format, there comes a time when the arch-villian, convinced that his opponent is doomed, explains his cunning plan. They never learn – next thing you know, the suave and sharp-suited secret agent escapes and, armed with full details of The Plan, proceeds to mess it all up.

It might not have been a good idea for UKIP to reveal The Farage Scheme in full just yet. It is a good plan, a plan so smart it floats around with its head in a glass bubble, Mekon style. Still, the plan has not been completed and could still be thwarted.

Not by the Cameroid, the Clegg or Moribund Minor of course. None of those are 007. They barely rate one zero between them.

The danger lies in the natural conservatism of the British, and especially the English. The Scots have their eyes on independence and they almost all hate the Tory party anyway. The Welsh have never given a flying fuck about anything at all, ever. No, the danger lies in the English.

Even those who vote for the Socialist Wanker mob have a touch of the conservative in them. Not the political kind. The kind that says ‘We like things as they are. We don’t want huge changes.’ The cultural kind. Those who don’t vote for Communism naturally have far more of this.

There has been a Conservative party for a very, very long time. It is the oldest party. The Whigs have gone through transformations and ended up as the Norman Cleggs of politics. Labour only started in the 1920s and took quite some time to get into power (take note, Labourites – what you are saying about UKIP is what was said about your party when it started). The Tories have been a constant for a long time. The English like constancy.

Inserting UKIP into Wastemonster as a fourth party causes no ripples for the English. It’s just like that Green madwoman who goes on protests against herself – it’s just English eccentricity. It’s why the Monster Raving Loonies get votes. The English like their constancy punctuated by a little bit of eccentricity. It just makes the constancy more real.

So yes, getting a few UKIP MPs would liven things up a bit in the House of Commons. Which, let’s face it, is pretty damn dreary viewing. It’s almost as bad as reality TV. Even if UKIP were to one day gain power, that’s okay, the constant ones are still there. Still going ‘harrumph’ and shouting ‘Resign!’ at each other on the green benches.

The Scots won’t care if the Tory party is destroyed. They’d have street parties. The Welsh won’t notice. Ireland rebels against the UK government no matter who it is. The English will see a long-standing part of their country disappear. And I don’t think they’ll like it.

Not because they want to always have a Tory government. The latest council elections make it clear that they don’t. No, it’s because while they would be happy to see Tefal Man slapped down for his pomposity and arrogance, they don’t want the whole party destroyed. They want to keep a little bit, so they can sneer at the remnant, torment it, play with it and remind it daily of why it is just a remnant.

But… maybe I’m wrong.

The Whigs and the Tories of old meant nothing to the common man. Whichever was in power made no difference, his life was shit either way. Then came the Tory/Labour years in which the common labourer felt better off under Labour while the common small businessman felt better off under the Tories. Now it has come full circle.

It no longer matters to anyone which of them are in power. Our lives are shit either way. So maybe the English have finally had enough – and historically, when the English have had enough they tend to do something about it. Usually something fairly abrupt and often pretty brutal. While some individuals have a short fuse, it takes a very long time to get the English collectively enraged. It takes a lot ot prodding to wake the beast but there has been an awful lot of prodding, over many years, with increasingly sharp sticks. Any day now…

It won’t work on the Scots, they are enraged all the time anyway. They have been since the days of the Clearances. It won’t work oin the Welsh whose attitude can be summed up as ‘We don’t care who claims to be in charge, we’re not listening to them anyway’. The Scots will snap your prodding stick and stick it somewhere you’d much prefer to not have a stick stuck. The Welsh will steal your stick, burn it and claim there never was a stick. Only the English will tolerate the pointy stick. For a while. Then they will lose their tempers and when they lose it, they lose it all the way.

Unlike the flare-and-forget Scottish temper or the ‘Huh? What stick?’ casual indifference of the Welsh, the English bottle things up until the bottle explodes. It’s under a hell of a lot of pressure by now. When it blows, nothing is sacred, not even the oldest political party in the UK. This lot cut the heads off their kings. The dig up people who are already dead and hang them just to make a point. They have had wars with pretty much every country on the planet and invaded most of them. These are not the sort of people you want to provoke and yet provocation is all they have experienced for years.

Soon we will have the EU election results. Don’t just look at the UK because other EU countries are voting for parties that make Hitler look like a right soft touch. They make UKIP look really quite left-leaning in comparison. If UKIP do win the next election, we are getting a very, very good deal especially compared to what some other EU countries will get. At least we won’t get jackboots.

I really hope UKIP landslide it. I would love to see Cleggy’s EU presence utterly erased. I doubt the other two will be so shattered but if they are down, I will be up. And why not – it has been their attitude to the rest of us all along.

The Big Three will be getting less sleep than me tonight. For me it’s genetic (I have a body clock set to another country’s time), for them it’s worry that their time might be up.

Interesting times lie ahead.