Not to eat Flesh nor Fish, that is the Law. Are we not Men?

Everyone will recognise that line from ‘The Island of Dr. Moreau’ by H. G. Wells. A great book but made into a lousy film. I lost my copy a long time ago. Must get another one.

In that story, Dr. Moreau made people. He made them out of animals using surgery and pain, then he sent them to live on another part of the island because none of them were really successful. Well, when you want to make a human, starting with a leopard is just making things difficult for yourself. He did try an ape, which was better but still not a success.

To control his Failed Men (nothing to do with an entirely different short story by, I think, Brian Aldiss) he gave them Laws. A series of statements, each followed by ‘Are we not Men?’ (but he didn’t add ‘We are Devo’) – that was to instill pride and guilt in equal measure. As long as they followed the Laws, they could consider themselves Men, not animals. The Doc had to curb their tendency to revert to type, which would be very dangerous indeed when you have Men made out of bears and tigers.

I never saw any real-life allegory in that story. It was just a story. Maybe ol’ H.G. thought it was just a story too. I wonder if it came from a whisky dream? It does have that quality about it… but I digress and that’s not a good thing. It’s going to be hard to force this post to a point anyway!

Lately there have been more and more news stories telling us how eating meat will make us all die. Newsflash – not eating meat will also make you die. You are going to die. Forget about it, there is nothing at all you can do about it, so just have a good time while you can. You really don’t want to face that Grimy Reaper (he tried showering but the water just went straight through) and think of all the things you could have done, the things you could have tried, but denied yourself because the medics told you you would die if you did them. It’s too late when the scythe swings.

Maybe we don’t meet him. Maybe Ray Bradbury’s story ‘The Scythe’ in ‘The October Country’ is right. Maybe the Reaper does it all remotely. Maybe now he does it with an iScythe.

Anyway. ‘They’ want us to not eat animals because… well I don’t know why. Maybe they want all the bacon for themselves, the greedy fat bastards, or maybe it’s all part of the plan to destroy any kind of successful business. If nobody ate bacon, what would happen to all the pig farms?

It’s not about ‘saving the animals’ because if nobody ate any pork products there would not be a live pig in the country within a week. They’d all be shot and sent to China where they eat anything. HoiSin sauce is a wonderful invention. It really doesn’t matter what meat is soaked in it, it always tastes great.

By now we are well used to the idea of smoking causing things it cannot possibly cause, like dandruff, soft shoulder, the onset of the nadgers, spots before the ankles and general lurgi (fortunately there is a cure) so it will surely come as no surprise that meat now causes lumps in the lady lumps.

I don’t have lady lumps so pass the bacon this way. So far, despite the title, we can still eat seafood because that is so very ethically produced.

Ladies, if you don’t want bacon to cause boob cancer, may I suggest you stop padding your bras with it? We know why you do it – you’ll snare a man in an instant with a pound of bacon and you know it. When engaged in an extended session of ‘put your face between them and go blblblbl blblblbl blblblbl’, a snack is always appreciated but please don’t put your health at risk on our account. You can just hand us a bacon sarnie when we come up for air. It will work just the same. As long as it’s made with real butter and brown sauce, we are yours to command.

The report was, of course, in that propaganda hack-rag the British Medical Journal. It used to be a respected scientific journal, once. Now it’s trying to swap places with the Sunday Sport.

Also in the British Meddling Journal is the report that says ‘you need expensive drugs, you just don’t know it yet‘.

Really. If you are not diabetic, you will be. Unless you boost the drug dealer’s profits by accepting free drugs paid for out of your taxes and that you have no need to take because you aren’t ill. If your blood sugar is a little too high, skip a doughnut. It’s far safer than sucking down random chemicals devised solely to make sure the head of the company can afford three more Bugattis and a moped. Pharmaceuticals are not made for your benefit. They are made for profit. No other reason.

The entire medical profession have become drug pushers for the Pharmers. It’s all they do now.

If you eat the natural food your guts are designed to deal with, you will die in horrible agony. To live forever you must ingest artificial chemicals whose sole purpose is profit for someone else. And you will still die. Of nothing.

But hey, let’s not get too depressed. Let’s end with a song… for the BMJ.