That would get me top billing in the Daily Mail and I wouldn’t have to bother editing my first-draft rambles. I could just blurt out any old nonsense, write a book with no concerns about fact-checking or error-correction, take no notice of grammar or spelling rules, and have it in the shops by Christmas.
Would anyone buy it? I wouldn’t, but the Mail will hype it up as the most appalling waste of paper since the Great Repeal Bill and drones will buy it by the ton to see what all the fuss is about.
Then they will fill the comments sections of the Mail with moans about how they wasted their money on a book the Mail had already told them was not even useful as toilet paper. If you use it to line your hamster’s cage, the hamster will soon develop a drink and drugs habit, hide a gun in his cheek, shave gang symbols into his head and change his name to ‘Little Hairy Bastard’. I once had a hamster by that name. He didn’t like me, but then he didn’t like anyone. He once saw off a sheepdog. It’s a great pity they only live a couple of years, or he’d have his own ‘Grumpy Hamster’ page on YouTube by now.
More drones will see those ‘what a shite book’ comments and more copies of ‘A Dreadful and Pointless Ramble’ will sell.
I’d take the money, have the implants removed, gold-plated and mounted, then flee the country with a new name and a big bag of cash.
Then maybe become a proper writer at last.
I suspect this woman’s plan is somewhat different and is likely to involve spending the cash on flash crap and chav holidays while still expecting the taxpayer to cover her daily expenses.
But then, if a publishing house wants to give her a huge advance on royalties, that’s up to them. Maybe her book will earn out after all. There are plenty of idiots with money to waste.
I won’t help.
However, maybe I should see the doc about getting some chest-bumps fitted on the NHS. Then call the Daily Mail and say ‘Hey, you want to see these? You ought to, you paid for them’.
They will then search for something Outrageous or Terrible in all those stories and they will find it.
Even if it isn’t really there.