A light hearted interlude to begin…
If Mrs. Queen gets to the age of 100, do we all have to send her a telegram? I will, if everyone else will.
What about His Royal Hubbiness? He’s nearly there. Picture the scene on Phil’s 100th birthday –
Mrs. Queen: “Happy birthday Phil. Oh, you must have heard that a hundred times before,” (girlie Royal giggle).
His Royal Hubbiness: “Never mind all that, woman, where’s my bloody telegram? Every Tom, Dick and Harry gets one. Where’s mine? No, hand-writing it on a napkin does not count. Get down the post office. Now.”
And now the serious stuff.
War in Syria, in Ukraine, in Israel, in Iraq, anti-Semitism on the rise everywhere because the Lefties want to kill all the Jews in the name of peace, civil unrest reaching global levels… and what is the pressing concern of the UK government?
That someone should fire up half a gram of leaf in a car carrying children. Seriously. That is their primary concern.
Children are one of the most distracting things to have in a car if you’re driving. There is a strong case for building in a soundproof screen between the front and back seats or for buying a pickup truck and a large cage to fit in the back. Then they’ll get fresh air delivered at 70 mph and won’t have to worry about the adults smoking in the front. The young are fast-moving so will have no trouble dodging the odd thrown-out butt.
There are many other things that can take a driver’s attention from where it should be – the road ahead. Handsfree phones do not work. I have been in a car with someone chatting handsfree and while both hands were indeed free to control the car, their thoughts and concentration were on the conversation. It was scary. Then there are car radios which are not like the ones of my youth (bolted under the dashboard with two Meccano strips and with no more than six huge buttons and dials to deal with). Now they can even pop up TV screens and have a million atom-sized buttons labelled in writing only ants can see.
Just a few examples of the things that can distract a driver. Should we really be adding a £10,000 fine if anyone burns a bit of a leaf in their car to all the things that can distract them now? This is just like the pub smoking ban. Unpaid enforcers.
Soon smokers will not be allowed to drive at all. We’re apparently at a high risk of suicide so we might just drive our child-free car into a school bus to end our misery and give at least fifty children cancer at the same time.
I have never, ever, contemplated suicide. Murder, often. Suicide, never. I could rewrite Omega Man as Marlboro Man. The last man left alive finds someone else alive. “Do you smoke? No?” Bang.
Oh, but the best bit, the ultimate, is the ‘third hand smoke is everywhere’ scare. I would love to claim credit for the idea that all grey dust is tobacco ash which started accumulating in the late 1500s and never degrades. The Mail does not mention my part in that game.
Even if you don’t smoke and never have – gotcha. Your pets and children are tracking four hundred years’ worth of smoking into your home every day and so are you. Every time you open a door or a window, the poison of smokers past gets in there. This is better than Freddy Kruger. It’s not a dream. We can terrify you long after you have killed us all. And you antismokers will do it to yourselves.
Naturally, this will develop to where no smoker can sell a house or car to one of the Weak in case it gives them cancer. No matter. I’ll buy a smoker house and/or car. There are still enough of us to have our own economy. Hell, we already have homegrown and Man with a Van and have had both for years. The Smoker Home and Smoker Car dealerships are just waiting to happen.
This will also mean that employers will come under pressure to not employ smokers. Well, there are employers who smoke and who will have the pick of the intelligent, non-suicidal, non-psychotic, non-pompous and non-lumpy staff. They will do well but the government will pretend that the businesses full of hysterical girlie-men are doing better. Probably by propping up the hypochondriac horde with the tax money taken from those who think it’s all such a brilliant idea.
As with all wars our government think they are well prepared to win, they will lose.
Because, basically, they have no idea what they are doing.