I am covered in white paint. The kitchen is done (no photos until the floor tiles are down, they will be last) and I finally have an oven that isn’t 10% broken glass. The floor tiles are the vinyl sticky-down ones. Cheap and easily replaced if damaged.

The whole kitchen was pretty cheap because it’s a small kitchen and I have a year to pay for it all. The oven was expensive, but that wasn’t optional. The last one broke in spectacular fashion. Fortunately the hob, extractor etc were all in fine fettle. I clean the hob after every use. Not because I’m anal about it but because if you use it dirty, it cooks the dirt on and then it’s hell to clean. If you clean it after every use it’s just a matter of a quick wipe and it’s done. With care it’ll last forever.

The extractor was an interesting thing. I noted it needed a new filter (never opened it before) and Kitchen Guy asked me why I needed a filter at all. The hood vents to outside. There is no purpose in having a filter unless it recirculates into the kitchen. Well, since it vents to the side Plastic Man lives on… sod the filter. He can suffer the horror of second hand bacon and the terror of second hand fried bread. Let him smell it every day while his wife tries to make him lose weight.

Today I painted the kitchen, starting with the ceiling, hence my personal white paint coating. No ladders – I do not mix well with ladders – I used a roller with an extendable handle and a brush taped to a stick for the edges. When painting ceilings, a floor mounted light is very useful. I have a massive halogen death-ray masquerading as a work lamp that I bought from a company called Screwfix several years ago. It was surprisingly cheap. The thing is, when painting ceilings, the last thing you want is light directly in your eyes. Most people fix their main light to the ceiling. I do too. Turn that thing off and get a floor mounted light. Then you can paint without being blinded.

Also, as I was painting new white over old white, it can be hard to tell if you missed a bit. The floor light reveals all.

Poundland sell a painting sheet made of surprisingly thin plastic. It doesn’t look all that big in the pack but when you unfold it, it’s vast. Tape it to the top of the wall cupboards and in my small kitchen, there was no danger at all of even one drop of paint landing where it wasn’t wanted. It looks like it was painted by someone who actually knew what they were doing.

There is paint on the floor but… the floor is going to be replaced. Just as well. I’ve made a hell of a mess of it.

I’m often asked why I always paint the kitchen white. ‘White shows up all the dirt’, they say. Well yes, and that’s the point. I do not want dirt in the kitchen and white makes it easy to find and exterminate. Other rooms can be any colour but in the kitchen, dirt matters.

You would think I would also paint the bathroom white, but I don’t. Consider what you are expelling in there. It is a naturally shitty place. The kitchen is not, or shouldn’t be.

Switching subjects, I showed my Ubuntu-enhanced laptop to someone who is sick of Windows today. Mr. Gates, can I just say Ha ha! You just lost another income stream.

Now, I know you’ve been looking for the subliminal message in that pile of rambling nonsense so here’s the answer. There isn’t one. It’s here, in a photo I took on holiday on my short visit to the harbour at Crail.

noAberdeen has a similar bye-law although you wouldn’t think it if you saw the Red Stripe drinkers massed on street corners and park benches. What Aberdeen doesn’t have is that ‘No thanks’ in exactly the same pattern as the ‘No to Independence’ campaign.

Here is a little observation tower at Crail –

towerIt doesn’t show too well in that photo but the tower has a Union flag on top. Other small towns flew the Saltire. Crail, it seems, is a ‘no’ to independence. Hence the ‘no thanks’ logo on the anti-drink law sign.

What interests me is whether the towns flying the Saltire would have ‘Public drinking? Yes please!’ signs. Because that is what that sign implies.

I’d go to those towns.


11 thoughts on “Subliminal

  1. “Poundland sell a painting sheet made of surprisingly thin plastic. It doesn’t look all that big in the pack but when you unfold it, it’s vast.” Hmmm….. they should get it endorsed for use by Dexter! (You guys get Dexter over there? Multiple serial killer/dismemberer hero cop?)

    Re that sign: Note that that’s the same wording they use to for banning smoking in pubs etc. Can you gather a group of a half dozen folks to picket some high profile pub with signs boldly proclaiming “No Smoking and No Drinking In Public Places By Law!” Maybe, in the same spirit that the Antis send children running into pubs to snatch ashtrays, you could have children running in and snatching drinks!

    After all, the law is the law, fair is fair, level playing field, example for children (most of whom get addicted with their first sips as children!!!), and secondhand alcohol fumes etc…..

    – MJM


    • You could suffocate an elephant with that sheet.

      Could I get a half-dozen out with anti-drink and anti-smoke signs? No need, there are plenty willing to do it themselves!

      All they need is the suggestion.


  2. Re the extractor filter; no, it’s not strictly necessary if you’re venting to outside. However, what it does help prevent is a build-up of grease from the cooking fumes on the fan(s) and interior of the extractor, which in turn attracts and holds dust and other airborne detritus, and is difficult to clean.


    • Agree entirely nisakiman. Leg’s been given very piss-poor advice on that one.

      Check out the bumph that clogs air extractors in toilets – and that’s just dead skin mixed with moisture. What happens with steaming, boiling and frying makes the entire mechanism choke, become inefficient (so costs more to run) until finally the fan burns out.

      It’s a 4 inch hole to the outside, probably with a flexible concertina type hose at some point. That harbours all the filth, bacteria and such and when it blows a half decent wind outside, that all blows back into the house. Those flappy louvres they have on the outside of some outlets are next to useless, and they can make a righteous racket. Best are the ones that deflect the air downwards and makes it impossible for rain to get in. Let the wind blow in, it’s most useful as a secure vent when he’s at work or on holiday

      Cooker hood filters come in whacking great pads that do for two. If he still has the old one, it can be washed and re-used. Otherwise it’s best Leg’s stumps a couple of quid for a new one. They’re all pretty much the same, so just grab the cheapest and until that’s fitted avoid frying anything.

      Oh and to the mix one needs to add the cigarette tar. Most obvious in winter as the extractor drags in anything that’s in the house. And that, mixed in with the rest of the slimy stuff is why his old one probably looks pure black.


    • I relented and bought a filter. The old one disintegrated when I took it out (yes, it was black but I think it was supposed tto be – it always has been) because apparently they are supposed to be replaced periodically. This one was the original, around 15-20 years old. Well, I didn’t get any instructions with the kitchen, it was there when I moved in.

      I also had to degrease the hood (all of it!) while it was off the wall. It’s all new and shiny and clean. It wasn’t too greasy though. Its main use has been to extract the all-pervading curry smell when I’m making a hot one.

      The real reason I relented was that the hood has quite a wide mesh and all those holes looked dreadful with no filter. Looks much better now.

      The new one is white.


  3. LI,
    If you go to Decorating Direct and search on brush extender you’ll find neat little paint brush gadgets that screw on the end of a roller pole. Adjustable to any angle. Saves much cursing when the tape gives way on a full brush.


  4. Plus one for the white kitchen for the same reasons as above…the sun is my light on the floor when painting the ceiling. windowed door and the window do a sterling job of revealing the bit’s I missed.
    plus one for the hob advice works for ovens too…if the brain cell remembers to open the bloody door after the meal has been consumed. That is the really hard bit.


  5. To be honest, I can see built-in vacuum cleaner systems starting to become quite commonplace in time. For those, once again you don’t need much of a filter, as they too vent to the outside (or should, if designed by anyone sane). All you need is a big bits trap on the hose in the room, and a cyclonic trap in the vacuum bit at the far end, and that’s it; the fine stuff and the fluff and dust can all be safely (for you, anyway) be dumped to atmosphere outside.


    • That would make sense, but people are lazy. So I suspect the little robot vacuum cleaners will win.

      Until engineers get thoroughly sick of being called out to non-working ones, only to find they’ve never been emptied.


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