Can’t remember who coined that one on Twitter. The screen scrolls much too fast over there. It’s not the ideal one for me since I don’t drink a lot of beer, but ‘octowhisky’ really doesn’t work. Octobooze… maybe.
Anyway, this year it seems the Stoptober nonsense has been joined by Sober October. Why don’t we just call it Puritan Month and be done with it? A month of fasting is not in my religion… well, okay, there actually isn’t anything at all in my religion. Not even a deity. The only spirits in my religion live in bottles and they speak to me in my sleep after I’ve drunk them. What they say isn’t what the usual run-of-the-mill religions generally report but it’s a lot more fun.
‘Love tormenting thy neighbour’.
‘You should not covet thy neighbour’s wife’s ass even if it is a really nice one, because the other end of her also looks like an ass.’
And so on.
Halloween is at the end of this month. You must be at least tipsy for Halloween because the ghosts can’t get you when you’re drunk. It’s why alcohol was invented all those millennia ago. Fire and smoke also scare away evil spirits (including the Dreadful Arnott and the Spiteful Chapperman) – come on, even cavemen knew about that one. It still works, especially on their minion demons.
Maybe that’s why the Satanic New World Order want to ban smoking and drinking. It renders us immune to their demonic creatures and their mind control rays. Just a thought. A thought I might not have thought if not for the baccy and the whisky and the heavy steel hat (tinfoil is for the weak). Or would I? Hard to tell what’s real these days, isn’t it? Wait until you all have Google Glass over your eyes and have to work out whether what ypou see is real or Photoshop…
The docs prescribed no painkillers for my cracked rib. They must have realised I’d just flush them anyway so they told me to keep some ibuprofen handy in case it hurt too much. It’s a dull ache at the moment and as long as I don’t move too quick or in any way the ribs don’t want me to move, it stays that way. That’s what pain is for. It’s your body telling you ‘Don’t do that, I’m still trying to fix this part’. Killing the pain lets you move in ways that will bugger up your body’s attempts to fix it.
I do have some painkiller. Another bottle of Glen Orrin from Aldi. They sell Glenfarclas 10-year-old for £30 but didn’t have any in stock (apparently Sober October isn’t really catching on in these parts). Expensive but a lot cheaper than elsewhere. I am determined to get one during October even if it puts me into overdraft. For medicinal purposes, you understand. Hey, you have to look after your health, you know.
I don’t know about anyone else but the Stoptober and Sober October shite has had absolutely no effect on me at all – other than maybe to smoke and drink more than I would have otherwise. Which isn’t a big thing really, I intended to smoke and drink quite a lot anyway. Only idiot drones will fall for it and they will fall for anything. They’d fall for ‘No Driving January’ although here, that would be easy. After Hogmanay few are sober enough to drive until March and they’d spend more time digging their cars out than walking to the bus stop so giving them an excuse to say ‘sod it’ would be welcome.
I think I still have some magnetic printer paper for making fridge magnets. This delightful image sent to me by a certain Mr. Higham will make some lovely magnets. They’ll also stick to the metal ashtrays found outside pubs and a lot of other places too. Sure they’ll get pinched. I want them to get pinched. Strangers will have them on their fridges and I’ll just slap on a new one.
I like that. I really think it will catch on. Next time I see Satan I’ll mention it to him.