Octobeer

Can’t remember who coined that one on Twitter. The screen scrolls much too fast over there. It’s not the ideal one for me since I don’t drink a lot of beer, but ‘octowhisky’ really doesn’t work. Octobooze… maybe.

Anyway, this year it seems the Stoptober nonsense has been joined by Sober October. Why don’t we just call it Puritan Month and be done with it? A month of fasting is not in my religion… well, okay, there actually isn’t anything at all in my religion. Not even a deity. The only spirits in my religion live in bottles and they speak to me in my sleep after I’ve drunk them. What they say isn’t what the usual run-of-the-mill religions generally report but it’s a lot more fun.

‘Love tormenting thy neighbour’.

‘You should not covet thy neighbour’s wife’s ass even if it is a really nice one, because the other end of her also looks like an ass.’

And so on.

Halloween is at the end of this month. You must be at least tipsy for Halloween because the ghosts can’t get you when you’re drunk. It’s why alcohol was invented all those millennia ago. Fire and smoke also scare away evil spirits (including the Dreadful Arnott and the Spiteful Chapperman) – come on, even cavemen knew about that one. It still works, especially on their minion demons.

Maybe that’s why the Satanic New World Order want to ban smoking and drinking. It renders us immune to their demonic creatures and their mind control rays. Just a thought. A thought I might not have thought if not for the baccy and the whisky and the heavy steel hat (tinfoil is for the weak). Or would I? Hard to tell what’s real these days, isn’t it? Wait until you all have Google Glass over your eyes and have to work out whether what ypou see is real or Photoshop…

The docs prescribed no painkillers for my cracked rib. They must have realised I’d just flush them anyway so they told me to keep some ibuprofen handy in case it hurt too much. It’s a dull ache at the moment and as long as I don’t move too quick or in any way the ribs don’t want me to move, it stays that way. That’s what pain is for. It’s your body telling you ‘Don’t do that, I’m still trying to fix this part’. Killing the pain lets you move in ways that will bugger up your body’s attempts to fix it.

I do have some painkiller. Another bottle of Glen Orrin from Aldi. They sell Glenfarclas 10-year-old for £30 but didn’t have any in stock (apparently Sober October isn’t really catching on in these parts). Expensive but a lot cheaper than elsewhere. I am determined to get one during October even if it puts me into overdraft. For medicinal purposes, you understand. Hey, you have to look after your health, you know.

I don’t know about anyone else but the Stoptober and Sober October shite has had absolutely no effect on me at all – other than maybe to smoke and drink more than I would have otherwise. Which isn’t a big thing really, I intended to smoke and drink quite a lot anyway. Only idiot drones will fall for it and they will fall for anything. They’d fall for ‘No Driving January’ although here, that would be easy. After Hogmanay few are sober enough to drive until March and they’d spend more time digging their cars out than walking to the bus stop so giving them an excuse to say ‘sod it’ would be welcome.

I think I still have some magnetic printer paper for making fridge magnets. This delightful image sent to me by a certain Mr. Higham will make some lovely magnets. They’ll also stick to the metal ashtrays found outside pubs and a lot of other places too. Sure they’ll get pinched. I want them to get pinched. Strangers will have them on their fridges and I’ll just slap on a new one.

stoptoberMaybe October should become SmokyDrinkyTober. Ending with a visit from the legions of Hell with pitchforks especially sharpened and heated for insertion into every Righteous anus.

I like that. I really think it will catch on. Next time I see Satan I’ll mention it to him.

It’ll give him an excuse to avoid Saddam

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22 thoughts on “Octobeer

  1. Nice graphic for STOP there! Heh, feel free to pass along my acronym thought on it:

    “Smoke, Tipple, Overthrow Prohibition! S.T.O.P! Stoptobias!”

    Regarding cracked ribs: it’s always mystified me how they’re supposed to heal when they’re not held immobile. Do rib bones have some sort of flexible bone tissue that’s different from leg/arm bones? I guess that would sort of make sense given the way breathing works. Anyone know?

    😕
    MJM

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  2. …there actually isn’t anything at all in my religion.

    I beg to differ, old chap.

    Your creation story is the Big Bang.

    You believe that life arose from non-living chemicals.

    You believe that the first man evolved from an ‘ape-like ancestor’.

    You seem to favour “an eye for an eye” over forgiveness.

    Your “comforter” is whisky and cigarettes.

    You believe there is nothing after death.*

    …STOP PRESS…

    *A ‘related’ post appeared called “It starts with nothing.” In “apathism”. You wrote,

    “There might or might not be a form of life after death.”

    Followed by,

    “There’s only one way to find out and I’m in no hurry because when you do find out, there’s no way back if you don’t like it. So I don’t worry about it. There’s nothing I can do about it anyway.”

    The story of the rich man and Lazarus springs to mind. The rich man is dead and in Hell and that’s his fate, but he asks Abraham that Lazarus, who has returned from the dead, warns the rich man’s brothers so they can avoid the same terrible fate.

    Of course, it was a non-starter,

    “And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.”

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    • “And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.”

      Reminiscent of the stranger standing for hours at the entrance to Huddersfield’s Pack Horse Centre, awaiting instruction from God to shout his almighty wisdom. Not you, perchance? I refer to the man..

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    • I don’t ‘believe’ in the Big Bang. In fact, new data suggests it didn’t happen.

      I don’t know where life came from, nor do I know (or care) much about evolutionary theory. It’s not my field and I don’t have time to study it in detail. Since it’s so far in the past, it doesn’t matter to me.

      My family history gives me two forms of temper. The Italian blistering rage that is forgotten as soon as it’s over, and the Welsh grudge that is never forgotten. The latter is why I will never buy an Apple product, no matter how deep they bury that ‘our warranty is invalid for smokers’ crap they spouted.

      Eye for an eye – well, I think actions should have consequences so yes, I guess that does apply. I do not agree with letting violent criminals off with an ASBO and a bit of litter-picking.

      Life after death – I have no idea. Maybe yes, maybe no. If yes, I have seen nothing to convince me that anyone’s in charge of it.

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    • Hello Stewart, I’m about to post a piece about evolution at my place. Wondered if you could critique it for me? It seems to me,that you have nothing to offer but the ‘god mantra’. What happened to clear headed and sober (hic) thinking? C’mon man, you are not a fool, think for yourself and use that weighty tome you selectively read as a door stop. A book written by bronze age barbarians should be seen as part of our rich cultural history and not a basis for our rational thoughts.

      Anyway, the eye for the eye thingy, is in the bible.

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  3. Sober October, eh?

    Well now it’s official, I suppose I’ll just have to join those noble non-smokers who make the effort to smoke at least one cigarette this month.

    In my pantry I have a twenty odd year old bottle of absinthe (for making turkish delight) brandy (for flaming the Christmas pudding) and some bottles of Sharp’s 6 Vintage Blend beer for putting in stew (yes, I did visit the brewery again)

    I don’t intend to drink them all at once, but sometimes a sacrifice has to be made and seen to be made, and this time no cheating by cooking the alcohol off.

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    • Try googling it. I did. For example: http://www.magnetic-paper.com/shop.asp

      The low rumbling sound you hear today is my brain annoyingly running puns in the background, all of them total crap so far. ‘Whisky Solstice’? ‘Now is the whisky of our discontent/made glorious summer by this opened cork’? ‘As a last resort, press MaltF4’? ‘West Blend Girls, East Blend Boys’?

      I now haz a mindworm: thanks a bundle, Frank. 😉

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    • Magnetic photo paper is (or was) among the weird stuff on supermarket shelves. All those ‘print your own iron-on transfers’ and the like. It just goes through an inkjet printer.

      I did once see it in Poundland but you don’t get many sheets for a pound!

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  4. I wonder if it’s occurred to the twits that thought up Sober October that it’s the month of the Octoberfest? I just love irony.

    Mind you, the way they were whinging on the news this morning about the price of Lager in Munich, I think it might be self limiting this year…

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    • I think it might be self limiting this year…

      Not to mention that the Bavarian zealots have managed to get smoking banned throughout the festival area. I can see a once great festival hitting a downward spiral.

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    • Aye. Between €10 and €15 per Liter. Put into perspective, you can buy the same beer in a supermarket for € 2 €3 per Liter, (cheaper beers you can get for 94c per Liter) and you get 16c back on the bottles.

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  5. In New Zealand, we have ‘dry July’. What a total waste of tax payers money spent on advertising. Better spent taking some of the tax off the ridiculously cheap alcohol we have here. Now that would be a crowd pleaser.

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  6. A landlord is trying to convince you to stop smoking during October. Will we see the same landlord, who enjoys and pulls a pint, appear in ads for Sober October? Of course they would never ask drinkers to stop for October, so that couldn’t happen. Just a sec, didn’t you say…

    I used to like Al Murray. Is it irony if a landlord quotes Churchill?

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