A dog’s life.

Quick one tonight. Back at work in the morning. This might be a ‘put the drink down’ one.

Much has happened – another man who went to help the people of Syria has been thanked by having his head cut off in the ISIS-run height loss program, there is apparently a riot in a UK prison and Kim Jong Jingly Jangly seems to have been toppled in North Korea. He always did look a bit top-heavy. I doubt his removal will improve life in that country very much, he wasn’t really in charge anyway.

On the antismokercrackpot front, Slimy Chapperman has been having a quite spectacular tantrum while the ASH drones just can’t resist showing off their nearly-personalities online.

It has come to my attention that whisky does not count as booze. To be classed as a ‘mild alcoholic’ you have to drink two glasses of wine a night. Okay. Since it’s Octobeer, I’ll have some wine. I’m all out of whisky anyway, until tomorrow. It’s a Chilean Merlot – a cheeky little number, dark and fruity with hints of vinegar, industrial solvent and well-composted Hellbender mucus. Imagine my delight on finding I have no more bottles of this. Of course, real alcoholics would regard a bottle of wine as an aperitif, not an addiction, but the Pharmers have a pill to sell.

So anyway. Dogs. The Mail’s campaign to rid the world of this ancient Chinese delicacy continues apace. It seems that dogs crap in rivers. Or maybe there are little dog toilets that flush into rivers. Or maybe they like to shit from bridges and note the time between squeeze and splash. Or something. I don’t have a dog so I’m no expert on this.

Dogs do indeed have E. coli in their guts. So do you and so do I and so does pretty much anything that has a gut. The clue is in the name, ‘coli’, as in ‘found in colons’. There are many variants of this particular species of botty-bug and most are entirely harmless. Its usefuleness lies in the fact that it is only found in crap and is easy to grow, so if you find it in water, the water has shit in it.

Dog crap might well end up in rivers. Dogs like walks along the riverside and the tinkly sound of running water does wonders in the bowel-loosening area. However, it is only going in to those millions of gallons of water one arse-load at a time. It is not being delivered there by dumper truck. Sure, you can find it with PCR because all you need to find is a fragment of DNA, not even a whole bacterium. Finding it and quantifying it are two entirely separate things and PCR only finds. It’s a yes or no test.

Also going into that river is cow crap, sheep lumps, badger stools, bird whoopsies and as for fish, well does anyone really think they flop out onto the bank to queue up at a portaloo with their fins over their groins? No. They dump it and swim away quick. So do all the insects and other things that live, die and decay in water.

Then there is the runoff of fertiliser from surrounding fields and that’s before we get into the shopping trolleys, rusty bicycles, old car tyres and suitcases stuffed with those ‘certain magazines’ that politicians dispose of just before their wives find them. In short, rivers are full of all sorts of crap of which the dog logs are likely to be an incredibly small part. Dogs get a walk along the riverbank and one drop-off session a day if they are lucky. Otters live there and always point their arses downstream in case of floaters.

River water is not safe to drink. Never has been and probably never will be, not until the Government-sponsored bird mincers have completed their job and the rivers run with bleach. Still won’t be safe to drink but hey, you won’t get infected and you can relax at the riverside to the sound of dogs yelping when they dip their arses.

They’ll seek out high bridges to avoid splashback.

The crappiness of river water is not all down to dogs, in fact dogs make a minor contribution to the total horribleness of the water. Singling out dogs comes as no surprise, the Mail has been trying to get them banned for years. They keep lonely people company and they defend people, neither of which is to be allowed in the world to come.

It really doesn’t matter how many things crap in the water. I never drink the stuff anyway.


20 thoughts on “A dog’s life.

  1. Water is very dangerous anyway, even without any dog shit in it.

    It is made from a combination of oxygen and hydrogen atoms.

    Oxygen is a very dangerous gas which combines with carbon to make carbon dioxide which, as all right thinking people know is responsible for global warming and the destruction of our planet. So oxygen should be banned.

    Hydrogen is a very explosive gas and as such could be gathered by terrorists and used to blow things up. So that should be banned too.

    Water, containing both of these very dangerous chemicals, should also be banned.

    It’s for your own good.


  2. Crappy river water was why beer was invented. It’s an excuse to boil the river water, and have a good time with big beer, beer and small beer for the children. As for the latest twaddle about drinking half a bottle of wine or three pints of beer and you’re an alco…………..I’ve never heard so much rubbish. I was out with my brother and a friend and I shock, horror had three and a half pints, a glass of wine after getting home and a couple of pints of cider. I am not an alcoholic. I just enjoy a few drinks over an evening (4 hours).


  3. Many years ago a work colleague of mine took her husbands car into town to do some shopping with her two kids. Not long after arriving she felt the steering was acting oddly and pulled over.

    She had a puncture and tried to get the spare out of the boot. A chap stopped to help and as he got the tyre out a gust of wind also blew a number of those ‘certain magazines’ out of the spare wheel cavity. The mags wafted about in the wind and fell to ground which was wet.

    She never said what happened when she got home.

    Life is sometimes interesting,


  4. The mention of beheading … apparently our esteemed Go-Go Chancellor is encouraging businesses to stick their ‘heads above the parapet’ in the battle against charities and anti-business movements:


    Jeez-Louise … then stop funding these fucking parasites to lobby government, Georgie, with the money you borrow in our name.

    Here’s a parapet landing in a river … can’t tell if it’s having a shit, but it’s wagging it’s tail …


  5. River water is not safe to drink

    I think the most wonderful thing about visiting Iceland was the ability to drink from rivers! Honestly,the further north I get, the happier I am! Yellowknife, here I come!


  6. When I go walking in the hills I drink from streams, just so long as there isn’t a dead sheep in it.
    I used to eat dirt and drink ditch water when I was a wee boy, maybe ingesting dog crap.
    So, I can get a pill to stop my enjoyment of wine after the first glass ? Is that for real ? Can it really effect the source of desire for another glass of wine, does it only work with wine, how about rum ?


    • If it stops me drinkng wine, no problem, I’ll switch to whisky.

      I suspect this works like all the other anti-fun pills, by inhibiting the sensation of pleasure. All pleasure. Then they’ll act all surprised when their patients/victims commit suicide.


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