Quick one tonight. Back at work in the morning. This might be a ‘put the drink down’ one.
Much has happened – another man who went to help the people of Syria has been thanked by having his head cut off in the ISIS-run height loss program, there is apparently a riot in a UK prison and Kim Jong Jingly Jangly seems to have been toppled in North Korea. He always did look a bit top-heavy. I doubt his removal will improve life in that country very much, he wasn’t really in charge anyway.
It has come to my attention that whisky does not count as booze. To be classed as a ‘mild alcoholic’ you have to drink two glasses of wine a night. Okay. Since it’s Octobeer, I’ll have some wine. I’m all out of whisky anyway, until tomorrow. It’s a Chilean Merlot – a cheeky little number, dark and fruity with hints of vinegar, industrial solvent and well-composted Hellbender mucus. Imagine my delight on finding I have no more bottles of this. Of course, real alcoholics would regard a bottle of wine as an aperitif, not an addiction, but the Pharmers have a pill to sell.
So anyway. Dogs. The Mail’s campaign to rid the world of this ancient Chinese delicacy continues apace. It seems that dogs crap in rivers. Or maybe there are little dog toilets that flush into rivers. Or maybe they like to shit from bridges and note the time between squeeze and splash. Or something. I don’t have a dog so I’m no expert on this.
Dogs do indeed have E. coli in their guts. So do you and so do I and so does pretty much anything that has a gut. The clue is in the name, ‘coli’, as in ‘found in colons’. There are many variants of this particular species of botty-bug and most are entirely harmless. Its usefuleness lies in the fact that it is only found in crap and is easy to grow, so if you find it in water, the water has shit in it.
Dog crap might well end up in rivers. Dogs like walks along the riverside and the tinkly sound of running water does wonders in the bowel-loosening area. However, it is only going in to those millions of gallons of water one arse-load at a time. It is not being delivered there by dumper truck. Sure, you can find it with PCR because all you need to find is a fragment of DNA, not even a whole bacterium. Finding it and quantifying it are two entirely separate things and PCR only finds. It’s a yes or no test.
Also going into that river is cow crap, sheep lumps, badger stools, bird whoopsies and as for fish, well does anyone really think they flop out onto the bank to queue up at a portaloo with their fins over their groins? No. They dump it and swim away quick. So do all the insects and other things that live, die and decay in water.
Then there is the runoff of fertiliser from surrounding fields and that’s before we get into the shopping trolleys, rusty bicycles, old car tyres and suitcases stuffed with those ‘certain magazines’ that politicians dispose of just before their wives find them. In short, rivers are full of all sorts of crap of which the dog logs are likely to be an incredibly small part. Dogs get a walk along the riverbank and one drop-off session a day if they are lucky. Otters live there and always point their arses downstream in case of floaters.
River water is not safe to drink. Never has been and probably never will be, not until the Government-sponsored bird mincers have completed their job and the rivers run with bleach. Still won’t be safe to drink but hey, you won’t get infected and you can relax at the riverside to the sound of dogs yelping when they dip their arses.
They’ll seek out high bridges to avoid splashback.
The crappiness of river water is not all down to dogs, in fact dogs make a minor contribution to the total horribleness of the water. Singling out dogs comes as no surprise, the Mail has been trying to get them banned for years. They keep lonely people company and they defend people, neither of which is to be allowed in the world to come.
It really doesn’t matter how many things crap in the water. I never drink the stuff anyway.