Early night.

It has occurred to me, working in Local Shop despite being an experienced microbiologist specialising in intestinal disease and therefore an undercover Doctor, that I might well refer to myself as Dr. Poo. I wonder if I can get a series out of that? There were farting monsters in at least one Dr. Who story – the Slitheen – so there’s a link there already. I could be the Chyme Lord who cured their intestinal malfunction and rendered them undetectable.

My nemesis would not be the Master, but the Flush. Daleks would be shaped like Portaloos and go around shouting ‘E-vacuate! E-vacuate!’. At least they’d finally have a valid reason for the plungers. They’d make energy from what they sucked out of you – as Rose pointed out, that’s already perfectly possible.

Well maybe I’ll dream about it and come up with something more convincing than a moon putting on weight. Have to have an early night ahyway, I have work tomorrow (I found a ‘back support’ in Poundland that is basically a big piece of elastic secured by Velcro and which can stop ribs moving around too much) and there is still the danger of jury service on Monday. If I had any stories involving courtrooms I’d be looking forward to it, but I don’t, so I’m not.

Tonight’s Octobeer contribution is a South African Cabernet Sauvignon, better than last night’s because there’s no vinegar in it. This one is rich and deep, with hints of blackberry, dead weasel and turpentine. I’m not really designed for the appreciation of cheap wine, I suspect. However, I have to stay off whisky when I have to get up in the morning and work while concentrating on not moving my left side too fast or too far. This time it’s healing up faster – but then this time I had two weeks of rest rather than going straight back to work.

Soon the dark cloud of jury service will pass until five years hence, when I will no doubt be ‘randomly selected’ once again. It won’t matter then because I’ll be on the pension.

Tomorrow night I have to phone The Number which will tell me whether I have to go to the court or stay in bed on Monday morning.

Well, time for bed, as Zebedee always said to the children, the mad cow, the doped-up rabbit and the dog with no legs. Funny, nobody seems to be investigating him, do they?

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32 thoughts on “Early night.

  1. You forgot Brian the Snail. Actually, he was pretty nippy; could have been on speed …

    Doctor Poo – very good 😀 If you get an assistant like Toilet Guy you could also make some money for nothing:

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  2. I did jury duty earlier this year. I suggest that you may find many things in the court which will be of use in your writing. Will you dodge the ballot or take the oath? Your fellow jurors may also provide further useful writing stuff and perhaps the court officers also.

    Free meals tho. Take a good book.

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  3. Leggy, further information.

    ‘Poo powered’ Bradford sewage works opens

    “Yorkshire Water’s site creates enough energy to power itself by using gas from the 30,000 tonnes of sludge it processes annually.
    The site generates enough electricity to power about 7,000 homes a year and the company has agreed to export any surplus power to the National Grid.”

    “Ben Roache, head of energy and recycling at Yorkshire Water, said: “The biogas is rich in methane and we convert that methane in the gas through a combined heat and power engine. The engine uses that gas as its fuel.

    “It creates huge amounts of electricity. On this site there will be enough for 7,000 homes or the equivalent of.
    “But, also we will be reusing that heat in the process as well to make sure it is really energy efficient.”

    “The process will leave about 62,000 tonnes of fertiliser, which will given away free to farmers in the area.

    Lord Mayor of Bradford Mike Gibbons said: “I’m delighted that the Esholt site is now the first self-powered sewage plant in Yorkshire and is leading the way in the industry with this new technology.”
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-29476015

    So am I.

    I have a long history with Esholt Sewage Works, as kids we used to go down there to watch the RAC rally drive through.
    There were rumours that once one of the cars had driven into a slurry tank, but I’m not sure if they were true.

    Esholt Sprint was great fun, I do miss it.

    2002

    “ORGANISERS of a motorcycle sprint which has attracted bikers and spectators to West Yorkshire for over 40 years have finally been forced to call it a day.

    The twice-yearly Esholt Sprint had been a part of the bikers’ calendar since the late 1950s and was the only remaining high speed motorsport in the Bradford area.

    But organisers have not been able to stage it recently because Yorkshire Water, the landowner, denied permission after installing safety measures to stop speeding drivers.

    Race organisers say it is now clear that the event will never again be staged because Yorkshire Water is unlikely to change its mind.”

    “A spokeswoman said: “This was not a decision we have taken lightly and understand the disappointment of those who have previously enjoyed this event being held at Esholt.

    “However, as a result of the excessive and highly dangerous speeds some members of the public have been driving at along the roads, we have felt it necessary to install more speed bumps.”
    http://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/news/main-topics/local-stories/decision-spells-end-of-popular-bike-event-1-2438478

    I was never quite the same after discovering that the blood in my veins originally came from the body of an exploded star, so you can imagine my immense joy and delight at now being able to help keep the lights on.

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    • All sewage works should be making use oif the methane they produce. There would be no need for fracking or imports, we can just poo all the power we need.

      Extend it to farms and we’ll be exporting poo-power! (Some farms already use their poo-tanks for this).

      And we’d have no damn windmills either.

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  4. Five years? Dream on!

    I did Jury Service back in May, and I’ve just been summoned again! Of course I can get out of it, as I’ve already done it at some time during the previous two years, but I think I’ll go along and do my public duty anyway. My thought processes went like this, once I got the letter:

    If I decline, it means going into Manchester every day anyway (that’s where I work), and paying for my bus fares.

    If I accept, I still go into Manchester (to the Crown Court instead, obviously), but get my travelling expenses paid for, and judging by my last experience, get sent home early at least half the time. I also get a break from work without losing any money (Manchester University pays you while you’re on Jury Service – no need to claim for lost wages), and yes, it can involve a lot of sitting around waiting, but you can make a lot of friends once that initial ice is broken, and organize your own entertainment.

    There’s also the the Meal Smartcard Scam (to do with the free meals that Tedious Tantrums referred to). It goes like this – you’re given a card with which you’re supposed to pay for your meals. £5.70 is loaded onto the card every day, and anything not spent is carried over to the next day. Anything left on the card when you’re discharged from Jury Service is given to you in the form of a cheque.

    It only took us a couple of days to cotton on, then it was a case of everyone bringing in packed lunches, flasks, Pringles and biscuits. I ended up with a cheque for around £60, if I recall correctly…

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    • For me, it involves going into Aberdeen which I avoid and losing out on five days a week of other money-earning things.

      However, if they do get me, I’ll remember the card trick. Could help make up for it.

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  5. Tonight’s Octobeer contribution is a South African Cabernet Sauvignon, better than last night’s because there’s no vinegar in it

    I’m surprised you didn’t get on with the Chilian wine – they’re usually quite good. Likewise South African wines. Mind you, I don’t know how cheap your ‘cheap’ is; there’s cheap, and there’s cheap (and nasty).

    Much to my disappointment, when I’ve lived in UK, I’ve never been called up for jury service. (Something to do with being busted for dope back in 1969 maybe?) I probably wouldn’t be very good, though. I just know that if there was some anti-smoking jobsworth in the dock, I’d end up persuading all the other jurors that he was guilty as charged, even if it was obvious he was innocent. Justice? Yep, that would be justice. Just a tad belated.

    Loved the Viz vid from Twenty Rothmans. Back when it first hit the streets (80s? Can’t remember now) in its comic book form, I never missed an issue. The Fat Slags, Roger Mellie, Buster Gonad (and his unfeasibly large testicles). Heh! British toilet humour at its best!

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    • Don’t overlook the Man with the Piles – was it “Archibald Giles” or something like that? Who somehow always managed to end up getting his haemorrhoids booted, caught in something or thumped on something very hard. Ouch!

      And who can forget “Fridges of the Famous?”

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    • Chilean wines are usually good but this one was a stinker. It weas very, very cheap though.

      Ah, Viz, prophetic with their ‘Spoilt Bastard’ character. There are loads of them now.

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  6. In my view, wine is strictly a vehicle for conveying alcohol, at percentages varying between 11% to 14.5%. If it costs less than 6 quid, it is probably one of the more cost-efficient of doing so. It lays heavier demands on the bladder/prostate than whisky/gin, but less than nice beer. (I agree about Brew-dog — most of it tastes pretty good).

    (Various tramps and rough sleepers I knew in the 70’s assured me that rich red ruby port was the thing. But they’re all dead now.)

    I’ve been experimenting with Gordon’s. It’s pretty hard to f-up gin. You can also use it to disinfect wounds (sustained through redecorating kitchens when drunk, for example). It’s unspeakably vile with tonic water, but if you keep a bottle of Angostura bitters around, I find a splash or two lifts it a little. And a sane person is unlikely to drink Angostura on its own, no matter the thirst on him, unlike Vermouth.

    It takes ribs a couple of months before the pain sinks into the general background, in my experience.

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    • Definitely with you on the Angostura front. It transforms gin from the banal to the sublime.

      When I worked in a wine / cocktail bar in Ealing in the 80s, we had a regular, an ex-Indian Army officer, who was a complete lush, and a lovely guy. He’s come in for a ‘Pink Gin’ at lunchtimes, with the admonition “don’t give me some watery two-drops-of-Angostura gin. At least a teaspoon”, he’d say. More a ‘Red Gin’ actually. His daughter used to come to the bar and plead with us to restrict his intake of gin because it was ‘bad for his health’. So we’d give him a couple ‘on the house’ to see him on his way.

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  7. You have a competitor for the Dr Poo title – that’s the way my Serpent’s Teeth used to refer to ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith, the healthy eating guru regularly seen going through the motions on Channel 4 a few years ago.

    ‘McKeith advocates examination of the tongue, the mapping of pimples, and detailed scrutiny of faecal matter and urine as indicators of health.’(Wikipedia)

    As a bonus, the kids decided her vehicle would have been the Turdis.

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    • Ah, but she’s not a Doctor. She’s just poo.

      Her best performance was on that ‘celebs in the outback’ thing where she stood in the smoke from a campfire berating Shaun Ryder for smoking a cigarette. You just can’t parody stupidity at that level.

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  8. While not actually a connoisseur, for a cheap inexpensive wine, try Asda’s Australian Red; it can be a bit variable, but I have compared it with various other, more expensive wines, and it usually holds its own end up. It can also be quite amusing watching the more snobbish of the wine drinkers pontificate about it.

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    • I’m working through Lidl (and now Aldi)’s selections. Cheap and palatable is all I need of wine. If I am paying over £10 a bottle I am no longer looking at the wines.

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