Regeneration – too much information.

I am spared jury service tomorrow but must again phone The Number tomorrow night. This is frustrating – it is impossible to plan anything, impossible to put some of the junk – I mean, the fine and slightly used ephemera of yesteryear – on eBay because I don’t know if I’ll be available to post it. It’s impossible to risk twanging the rib with much-needed shelf building, garage rearrangement or attic sorting in case I have to get up early and not in pain the next day.

In short, I am gnashing my hair and rending my teeth and pulling my garments here. Either bloody well call me in or tell me I’m not needed. One or the other. I can’t even concentrate on writing. It was like this last time too.

Worse – I miscalculated. When they ‘randomly select’ me again five years from now I will not be on the pension. They can get me up to six months before the pension starts. The next five years will involve accumulating an emergency fund to make sure they don’t manage to bugger up my life yet again.

Boss has overtime available but I can’t accept it. I don’t know until after 5 pm whether I’ll have to attend the court the next day. That’s too late to allow her to adjust shift patterns.

In the absence of any ability to concentrate, brought on mainly by limited whisky (once this jury nonsense is over, I am going to have a liver ripe for plundering) I’m not posting anything sensible. Instead I’m going to talk about willies.

Not the drab and foetid member that is Septic Glans, not this time. VGIF has already shown his latest pronouncement to be limp and flaccid and left out in the cold until it looks like a walnut whip. Oh no. I’m talking about real willies. But then, not real willies at all.

Artificially constructed willies.

In five years they plan to test these lab-willies on humans. Quite what this testing involves is not absolutely clear. So in five years’ time, avoid bending over if there is someone behind you in a white coat, carrying a suspiciously-shaped box and a clipboard and wearing a grin.

It’s the one thing never mentioned in a Dr. Who regeneration and yet it’s the first thing any normal male, of any species, would check. To hell with hair colour or even number of fingers on each hand – is it bigger this time or (the horror!) smaller? One Doctor was able to paint it in stripes and use it as a scarf, but that was back when nobody got the joke.

There are very good intentions behind the idea to grow these lab-willies but still, I’d love to read the research proposal. I’d like to have seen the responses too, which must range from ‘uh-huhuhuh, he said willies’ to ‘Have you risk-assessed the chances of a zombie willie apocalypse?’ I wonder if they sprout like mushrooms from a Petri dish or whirl around in a large fermentor, occasionally presenting one eye to the viewing window?

For now the Williemen have a serious purpose but at the backs of their minds will be another thought, I’m sure. Five years from now, the current smoker-hate and drinker-hate might well have passed and then they’ll make a fortune.

With novelty drinking straws and cigarette holders.



13 thoughts on “Regeneration – too much information.

  1. A couple of years ago, a large cardboard box was delivered to work. It was unexpected and definitely not ordered. It turned out to be a huge collection of samples from a well-known wholesaler and included all sorts of penis-themed products.

    I do sell some Far-Eastern made junk, sorry, fine oriental products at low prices, but I’m not desperate enough to sell willy whistles, willy water pistols and three-foot long inflatable willies (they aren’t even black). I also couldn’t bear to throw them out. I find there’s a use for almost everything eventually. Any suggestions?


  2. a question for the microbiologist within you…does a colon need cleansing by a conscious decision to consume something to effect the cleansing or does the body do it all by itself?
    the writer may answer if the microbiologist is busy chatting to the ebay spiv and the train buff…


    • First of all, there is absolutely no need to submit to having a hosepipe up your arse. If there is something irritating your gut, it has a way of flushing it out quickly. If you want to eat something to make it happen, try a dodgy curry.

      There are some things that require medical intervention (and if you get involved with that, they’ll give you some flush-fuel that will feel like you’ve been visited by the militant wing of Dyno-Rod) but mostly, your gut will deal with irritants by making you hurry along to the small room and keeping you there until it’s done.


      • Thanks…my gut said colon cleansing was something the body handled more effectively than intervention but your closer to such things than I, again thanks.


First comments are moderated to keep the spambots out. Once your first comment is approved, you're in.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s