Time to put the kids to bed.

I once worked with a guy who claimed to have a pet chameleon. My first response was ‘How do you know?’ Maybe he was sold an empty box. If he could see the chameleon then it was probably just a gecko.

At least chameleons are real. Well, probably real. I’ve never seen one but then, they could be everywhere. That 85% of second-hand smoke that is odourless and invisible draws a slightly different response to the chameleon story.

‘How did you find it, and why were you even looking for it?’

What makes someone try to measure something that cannot be detected? It’s spookier than ghosthunting. Researchers into ghosts and demons have at least anecdotal evidence to work with, even though science has not yet found (or even looked for) any kind of ghost-detecting machine. EMF meters detect EMF. They have a purpose but it’s not a paranormal purpose. For ghosthunters, they serve only to deplete your wallet. Best not get me started on the lucrative business of selling expensive equipment to people who don’t know what it measures. That gets the red mist going.

The magic spooky-smoke appeared in the Aberdeen Press and Journal today. In the print version, the article was titled ‘Second hand smoke kills children in their sleep’ and when I read that in the staff room, I exclaimed ‘Good. It’s the kindest way of wiping out the little buggers. Far kinder than any of the things I’ve thought of.’

We have a new bread slicer in Local Shop’s bakery. I have toyed with the idea of leaving a trail of sweets to a big bar of chocolate in the blades. They probably won’t let me. Not even for Halloween. I’ll just have to write about it instead.

Today I explained to an idiot why there are no wasps any more. They have flown south for the winter. That’s why nobody takes winter holidays in Spain. We go there in the summer when the wasps are all here.

Tomorrow I think I will extol the virtues of a bottle a day of syrup of figs as a preventive measure against second hand smoke. Flushes it out of the system before it can start a cancer. As long as you keep that system permanently flushing you’ll be fine. Yes, I’m the one who has to clean the toilets in the shop but it will be well worth it.

The study claims that one smoker in a house produces a fug that is three times thicker than a Beijing smog. Blimey. He must have a very big pipe indeed. A mouthpiece on the fireplace at the very least, with all the household’s towels stuffed up the chimney.

It is of course nonsense. It is based on smoke in a sealed chamber with nobody opening any doors or windows. I open doors all the time, it’s how I get in and out of my house. It’s just tradition, I suppose. Windows are usually open too, except for yesterday when the icy blast changing the air in the entire house every three seconds was a bit too much. I could have smoked an entire crop of tobacco yesterday and there wouldn’t have been any smoke in the house. Aberdeen might have had a one-man smog event though.

We are all used to the nonsense spouted by the antismokers now and also by those who try to curry favour with them. Yes, antismoking vapers, I am looking at you. The Quisling approach really didn’t work out for you did it? Well…

cupofcareI know this does not apply to all vapers so I have to distinguish between the two. Henceforth, vapers who are still real people will still be called vapers. Those Quislings who think they will gain the favour of the Righteous by joining in the hate will be referred to as ‘vapists’. I’ll have to suggest the term to the antismokers, that could be fun to watch.

If your children are still awake at this time then it is most definitely Hammertime. Children should be asleep now, dreaming of iPads and Xboxes and other ways to bankrupt their parents and attract the immigrants from Paedoistan. They should not be awake now.

If you smoke, they have no business even being alive.

Funny thing is… my dad smoked. So did at least one, often both, of my friend’s parents.

That was fifty years ago. None of us have yet died. So maybe it doesn’t work.

We’ll have to try something else.


13 thoughts on “Time to put the kids to bed.

  1. When I was about three years old, I climbed on the table where there was a decanter of sherry.

    It tasted GREAT…. so I drank the lot.

    THAT made me sleep.*

    I can reccomend it!

    * To the extent that my “parents” called the doctor….. REMEMBER those days when the doctor would venture out and actualy VISIT patients????


  2. both my parents smoked as did all their friends and we had a coal fire roaring away and mists of my youth always smelt of burnt petrol and burnt coal and we rode bikes behind cars trucks and the ubiquitous chugging bus, we took turns in riding in and out of the fog they produced and my brother are still here…odd really…I like the scare a drone a day idea though will cultivate that one…there is no shortage of them in these parts.


  3. It’s a crap song but really?

    Spineless sod. He should have challenged the professionally offended to produce a song mimicking his accent. Then he could have said “who gives a fuck?”


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