via @Dick Puddlecote on Twitter comes the latest in paranoid scareware.
Isn’t it delightful? It picks up parts-per-billion of nicotine. It is not intended to detect whether you have been smoking in a rental car or hotel room, there are far cheaper ways of doing that (the cheapest and best is called a ‘nose’). It is intended to detect second and third hand smoke. You know, stuff that doesn’t really exist.
I used to marvel at people buying ‘ghost detectors’ when nobody can say what ghosts are made of. The sellers were amateurs – this new breed sell things to detect the totally undetectable. Stuff nobody can claim to have ever seen. Amazing.
Parts per billion. Sit in that rental car and eat a tomato or a bag of chips. There isn’t much nicotine in either of those things but in an enclosed space with a detector that sensitive, you will be banned from ever hiring a car or hotel room again. Even if you have never so much as seen someone else smoking.
They are making wearable ones too. Oh, the fun to have, giving away cheese and tomato sandwiches to people wearing this thing. There will be total fear at any buffet when the potato salad sets it off, and the wearer notices his wrist flashing red.
“No! No! There is SMOKE in this room! One of you is a SMOKER! We are all going to die! AAAAH!”
Ha! An invention designed to heighten imagined terror right into the top end of heart-attack territory. I wish I’d thought of it. This thing will kill off the antismokers far more efficiently than anything I could dream up, including the dream involving the anvil and the ones involving various forms of heavy machinery with spikes on them. I think the dream-anvil had spikes on it too. Probably. I like spikes.
I must get hold of one, and find the best innocuous substance to set it off. Any Electrofag will do it, of course. You won’t even need to puff it, just press the button for a second and put it back in your pocket. It would set off every detector in the room and when the mob is panicked, you just point at the Dreadful Arnott and say ‘There she is’.
An Electrofag filled with tomato juice… the element would be ruined but they aren’t all that expensive and it would be so worth it. But then it doesn’t need to be that drastic. Nicotine solution in one that doesn’t look anything like an Electrofag, with no flavouring, perhaps with no PG so there isn’t any visible steam.
Every one of us could play ‘Angel of Death’ by setting off every paranoia-detector we pass. Set them off in hotel rooms with a quick squirt under the door. A shot into the air vents of rental cars. Antismokers will be sleeping in the streets and walking everywhere.
Oh wait – the streets are full of smokers…
I really hope this thing takes off big-time. They’ll have absolutely nowhere to hide.
And everything to fear.