The Pope has declared that Halloween is evil. He wants to rename it ‘Holyween’ and have kids all dressing up as saints and praying. It sounds… very dull indeed.
No doubt they will go door to door and regale us with Gregorian monk chants until we throw sweets at them. They will then declare the appearance of the sweets a miracle although if you throw fish instead, a mackerel.
It sounds worse than ‘trick or treat’. I mean, they’ll be back in a month howling Christmas carols until we pay them to stop. Demanding money with monotones.
Ol’ Popey’s sidekick goes further. He declares that Halloween leads to an increase in demonic possessions.
Father Aldo Buonaiuto, of the International Association of Exorcists, which met in Rome at the weekend, said that a spike in demonic possessions in October is down to the phenomenon of Halloween.
I know the Greens want to take us back to the Middle Ages. Seems the Catholics want that too. Demonic possession? Look at the Halloween stuff on sale now. It’s worse than the Christmas tat. An enormous waste of plastic. The only enduring thing is the fake blood which could come in handy when cleaning Local Shop’s new bread slicer on Friday. The rest of it… no self-respecting demon or ghost would be seen alive wearing any of it.
Halloween does not happen until October 31st. It happens for one night. If there is any truth in the demon stuff at all, that one night is the time when the demons can get out. They do not get practice runs. The original Halloween did not start in September. One night. That’s all it is.
Having said that, October is now the month of the antismoker and the antidrinker. The demons might well be out in force. Then of course, there are the clowns.
Halloween is not a Christian festival. Neither are any of their other festivals, really, but this one is and always has been Pagan. Not the modern, Gerald Gardner Pagan. The proper, old ones, of which not much is really known these days.
What is known is that Samheim (the original name) was never about calling up demons. Those early Pagans didn’t want demons around. They were far more concerned with getting rid of them. Hence the bonfires (later shifted to Nov 5th thanks to the convenience of Guy Fawkes, to separate them from Halloween). They’d jump through the flames to ward off any demons that might be following them around.
It was never an evil festival. It was the start of winter, the start of a new year. It was a time to rid yourself of demons before the long dark nights let them take your soul. It was never a good time to call the damn things to you!
They were like that. The new day started when the sun went down. The new year started with the onset of winter. They liked to get the bad stuff out of the way first. A pretty sensible attitude, I’d say.
A random digression. Deosil and Widdershins were the terms used to describe the direction of movement around a circle. We would now say clockwise or anticlockwise but when those terms were invented, clocks hadn’t been.
We now have a generation who are used to digital clocks. Soon there won’t be anyone who knows what ‘clockwise’ means because there is no circle any more. Just changing numbers.
So, will they use the terms deosil and widdershins again, and wonder in the future what we meant by ‘clockwise’?
End digression, begin randomness.
Well, I’ll be out at work for Halloween and possibly at Smoky-Drinky after that so no scaring kids with my plastic body parts this year. They haven’t come here for the last few years anyway.
Seriously though. Holyween? What is this man thinking? Next he’ll want to change Christmas to Decemberween, right in the middle of nosmokingember and nodrinkingember and nopresentsember and capitalismbadember and all the rest of the things the Puritan Crackpots want to call every damn month until every calendar requires an entire tree’s worth of paper and you’ll need a ladder to see the charity nudes at the top.
None of those charity nudes ever show anything, do they? They aren’t all that serious about those charities.
Maybe I should make one. I could use my growing collection of nude celebrity photos. So far I have Sooty, Emu and Basil Brush, and I think I can get hold of images of Bungle and Zippy in a particularly sordid situation. It could be for my own charity, ‘Support the Distilleries’.
All of which has reminded me of something. I knew those words came from memories, not from pure imagination. It’s early yet but what the hell, shops are already selling five-pointed stars and sparkly garlands to represent intestines for the forthcoming sun-worship event now known as Christmas. So have an early Decemberween Mackerel on me.
That site has been silent for four years and it’s now livening up again. Hooray! Much timewasting… well not very much, so far, but there is hope.
But not so much for the Pope, perhaps. He’ll be a New Dementia Statistic if the Righteous get their way.