British Weather.

We British talk about the weather a lot because this country has so much of it. More than any other country on the planet. You can be sunbathing in the morning and building snowmen in the afternoon here. You can crank up the heating before bedtime to ward off sub-zero temperatures and wake up bathed in sweat in the middle of the night. All it takes is a change in wind direction.

Yesterday I left for work at 6 pm and it was -5C outside. Today I left for work at 6 pm and it was -2C. There was frost on the ground at 6 pm but it had all melted by 9 pm.

I recall winters where the snow was so deep I gave up trying to clear it and just cut a path through it. I remember opening the door to leave for work, finding snow halfway up it, closing the door, calling in ‘no’ and going back to bed.

I recall winters where flowers were in bloom. A particularly stupid carnation was once in full bloom on Christmas day. That plant was so dim even the other plants used to call it names. There have been years when the snow was several feet deep and years where there was hardly any snow at all.

The same is true of summers. This last summer was reasonable but had a cold snap in August that pretty much wrecked anything growing outside the greenhouse. Especially my tobacco. The ones before have been mostly wet and dreary but there were summers in Aberdeen that were stifling hot in the past. And others that were grey, wet and pretty much like winter with slightly warmer rain. I remember Aberdeen summers where opening a window was no help – the air outside wasn’t moving. The electric fans I bought are still in the attic in case it ever happens again.

I have seen one side of a street soaked with rain and the other side of the street in sunshine. More than once.

That’s British weather. No matter what the Met Office predict with all their fancy computers, British weather just thumbs its nose and does what the hell it pleases. They might as well predict the weather by looking into goat entrails. It would be cheaper and just as effective.

You just can’t predict the unpredictable.

It must be the Church of Climatology (those who work on the study of British weather are doomed to insanity, as has been repeatedly shown) that pushed the Daily Doomsayer into its continual ‘It’s going to snow a bit!’ stories in winter and its ‘It’s going to be a bit warm!’ stories in summer. They are almost always wrong. Not because the computers at the Met Office are faulty. Because those computers work on logic, and British weather does not.

If there is a pagan British god of the weather, he hasn’t been sober since Doggerland sank into the sea.

Now the Daily Rainonyourparade predicts it will be a warm New Year. There have been warm ones before. Even here, north of Aberdeen. There have been others that, if you venture outside, you dare not blink in case your eyes crack but this winter has been a fairly gentle one so far.

They keep on about ‘Britain will be warmer than usual’ but then casually mention the wide range of temperatures we’ll get. Britain is a long narrow island that stretches north to south. Depending on how the North Atlantic Oscillation lies over the country it could all be warmer than average, all be colder than average, or neatly bisected into two contrasting cold and warm bits.

They also gloss over the past and talk about -9C as if it’s unusual for a late British December. It isn’t. It’s actually quite pleasant compared with past winters where windchill surpassed -20C and every manhood in the land looked like a button mushroom. Meanwhile every woman in the land sported a pair of Scammel wheelnuts that could punch neat holes in a Parka. They could have your eye out if she turned around a bit too quick.

So it’s freezing one day and not freezing the next. The only ones surprised by this are the Mail hand-wringing churnalists (how do they type while hand-wringing? I suppose it would explain all the typos but they must look like a room full of epileptic walruses taking a simultaneous fit) and the gullible drones in the comments.

In 1981 (or maybe 82, those were blurry years) I had a Mark 2 Cortina. I’d bought it in 1979 for £75 and rebuilt it with aluminium mesh and Plastic Padding. One day I went out to the car and instead of a row of cars in the street, there was a row of identical white mounds infilled with enough white stuff to be above the wheels. I couldn’t tell which was mine and it needed its starter motor fixed anyway so I just left it alone until it all melted. Somewhere I might still have the photos.

That was in Cardiff, not in Aberdeen. The following year was an easy one for both me and the car. That might have been the year I sold it and bought an ex-Water Board Commer van. You could still see Dwr Cymru (Welsh Water) on the side of it and since the front wheels were behind the driver’s seat you had to learn to pass corners before turning. But I digress.

We talk about the weather in Britain because it is the most rapidly-changing thing about the place. Being a weather forecaster in this country must be the most maddening career available. Predicting it is a waste of time. Sure, you can track the big storms and the main high/low isobars but you just know that most of the weather is going to ignore nature’s indicators and do just as it pleases.

But please, Daily Mail, stop pandering to the warped minds of the Climatologists. They need serious help. Just look at their primary prayer – ‘when it’s warmer than average it’s global warming but when it’s cooler than average then weather is not climate’. Does anyone above ambient IQ think that’s science?

UK weather will change. Within a day, most days. This place has the most unstable climate on the planet and that’s why the snowstorms elsewhere are ignored and our climate has to be compared to random cities every time to make the narrative fit. Istanbul is a new one.

There is nothing we can do about British weather.

So we talk about it. It makes no difference, it just gives us something to say to people we don’t really like all that much.

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15 thoughts on “British Weather.

  1. The funniest thing I read recently was the people at BBC weather saying that due to all their nice new all-singing-all-dancing gadgetry they are now able to do a 10-day forecast. Anyone with half a brain knows that even if you look at their 5-day forecast it would always end up being edited as just as Leggy has pointed out it is impossible to predict.

    And as for the Daily shite, what would they do without changing weather? That’s half of their articles a gonner if they didn’t do their tedious weather stories.

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  2. The weather/climate is all about rent seeking and leftie controls on the population. We all know this. Spending £20 million on a computer is meaningless or as meaningless as the output from the input as it were.

    It was an arrogant attempt to tax air that the politicians and the establishment thought was a spiffing wheeze. The UN liked it also which immediately meant it was a con.

    Four seasons in one day? The norm here.

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  3. Back around 1955 there was a scare got up in the papers about global COOLING. We first formers had a very kindly geography teacher who dispelled the scare and took the opportunity to explain the difference between climate and weather.
    ” You could say, boys, that we don’t have much of a climate in this country but we do get an awful lot of weather”
    Nuclear power came into it too at one point.
    “They do say, boys, that by the time you are paying your electricity bills, this is going to make it so cheap that all you will have to pay will be a small hire charge for the cables”.
    I can still hear his gentle South Wales accent as he added
    ” And if you believe that, you will believe anything” .
    I think I owe a lifetime of healthy scepticism of official announcements to that good man.

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  4. The latest climate change hypothesis (one not acknowledged by the Church of Climatology) is that temperature for the last few million years has been more or less a bounded random walk superimposed on a set of smaller cycles of varying periodicities.

    In other words, we see a “normal” series of cycles, some noise, and some random wandering with no deterministic cause, or a cause so convoluted as to defy analysis.

    What we do not see is a straight CO2 to temperature correlation. CO2 levels rise as climate warms, lagging behind the changes by a couple of hundred years, and NOT the other way around.

    Calling this the Church of Climatology is an apt term, as the proponents never seem to start with the basics of how to do stuff. This is project management 101; you follow a carefully formulated project plan with a check first of all to see if it is actually needed, then a feasibility study, then a set of project risks and metrics, and project goals.

    So, how to decarbonise British industry? Easy, we need power that doesn’t rely on fossil carbon. Fossil something else will do nicely if there’s enough of it and it isn’t wildly poisonous. But wait! We have to pay for it! How does Britain make money?

    Well, we make some complex, high tech stuff, we are really good at financials, and our contract law is one of the best regimes in the world, mostly because it is fair. The law doesn’t need power, but the others do.

    Specifically they need steady utility electricity at the prescribed voltage and this must not be subject to interruptions. Oh, and there needs to be plenty of it, and not too pricey either.

    So, building lots of wine turbines is right out, as the power isn’t steady. That’s that plan in the bin right at the feasibility study stage, so why is the Church of Climatology still wittering on about it?

    The answer is simple. They are stupid; knuckle-draggingly, bludgeoningly, irredeemably stupid. Debating with morons is useless, listening to the is worse and as for acting upon the incoherent gibberish that passes for speech from them, well.

    Let us not descend to base insults. Suffice to say my PhD on degenerate low-phylum parasites gives me a feeling of déjà vu when I look at these fools.

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  5. I normally enjoy your posts but, really, you can’t think that these extremely high levels of CO2 (since the Pliocene era, at least according to this article http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/energy/2013/05/130510-earth-co2-milestone-400-ppm/) aren’t having an effect on the planet’s climate. The weather in this country is unpredictable I agree but I’ve lived here for 20 years and I’ve never seen anything like the floods of last year or the heatwave of this year. Unpredictable weather is one thing but extreme is another, and it’s happening all over the planet.

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    • My dear Trilby, we are talking about 400 carbon dioxide molecules per million molecules of air.

      If I put you in a city with a population of a million, say Birmingham, and ask you to track down 400 members of that population, then in a week you might find a couple.

      National Geographic has been despised by proper scientists for some time for its global warming alarmism.

      I don’t live in Britain any more, but my Dad tells me your summer temperatures were nothing compared to the summer of 1976, which I remember with a shudder.

      As for the floods, if DEFRA and local authorities stop all flood control measures – on “environmental” grounds – then everyone is going to get their feet wet.

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    • The warmest premise is based on carbon dioxide transferring and amplifying heat/energy. It’s akin to a placing a cup of tea which is luke warm beside a boiling hot kettle and the heat from the cup of tea goes to the kettle.

      It is a giant scam. No more no less.

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    • Others have covered it but yes, the CO2 story was pretty much wiped out some time ago.

      I’ve been in this country 54 years. I remember the early sixties’ snow ands the mid-seventies searing summers. I was unfortunately in Cornmwall for one of those and didn’t just burn – I blistered. Only time that ever happened to me.

      Then in the eighties we had heavy-snow winters again. In the Nineties we had hot summers and mild winters. A few years back the winters were dreadful, this one (so far) is a mild one.

      Climate varies, always has and always will. If it was due to humans then when everyone had coal fires, every factory belched smoke and even the ships and trains ran on coal, the effect on climate should have been far worse than it is now.

      Climatology never seems to mention that.

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  6. “Meanwhile every woman in the land sported a pair of Scammel wheelnuts that could punch neat holes in a Parka.” That made my day Leggy – “Scammel wheelnuts” LMFAO! Happy new year to you for that.

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