Dark Days for Deputy Dawg

I have had no whisky for the last few days, partly to prove to myself that I still can, but mostly because I’ve had to get up and be coherent earlier than usual. Tonight I’m not drinking, I only have red wine. A not very good one. Not terrible, but I won’t buy it again.

Today I drove a Ford Ka. A horrible experience, but at least I was definitely under the drinking limit and not at all hungover. Hence the no-whisky nights. The seat is so low you’re afraid you’ll scrape your arse on the road and it feels like driving a go-kart with a jelly mould on top. There is no room for all the junk that would inevitably accumulate either. It is not the car for me. I wish they still made the wedge-shaped Austin Princess. I had one of those many years ago. The junk clearouts were only required about once a year… and were less frequent in reality.

The most fun was the ex-Water Board Commer van. Massive junk space. Necessary at the time since I had to move large lab equipment between Scotland and Wales. Its front wheels were behind the driving seat so you had to go past a corner before starting to turn. Took some practice – and again when I sold it and moved up (down?) to the Princess. The best part of the Commer was that the engine was under the middle seat. I took that seat out so I could check on the engine while driving. Came in handy when the accelerator jammed and I had to work the carburettor by hand. Driving isn’t anywhere near as fun as it used to be.

Neither are pubs. In the north of Scotland, having to go outside to smoke is, for most of the year, even more unpleasant than driving a Ka. Local byelaws mean you can’t take your drink outside so the combination of a drink and a smoke is irrevocably severed. Except in pubs with beer-gardens (it’s okay to drink outside as long as you are on pub property) but with local weather, even that is a limited option.

When the Cleggeron Coagulation came to power, they promised a Great Repeal Bill to get the silly Labour laws off the books. The Deputy Prime Monster, Little Nicky Clegg, equated ‘considering amending the smoking ban’ with ‘bringing back hanging’ and declared it would never happen. It never has. Under any of the three nannying parties (four in Scotland) it never will.

Oddly enough, the Great Repeal Bill that was to rid us of the Blur and the Gorgon’s plethora of petty laws never happened either. Neither did the ‘Bonfire of the Quangos’. In fact, exactly the opposite happened. They wonder why nobody likes them.

Little Clegg is expecting an easy win in his constituency at the next round of ‘choose-the-idiot’ in May. It seems he might be disappointed and have to get a real job instead. The Secret Ninja Cleaners have a vacancy here but I won’t work with that useless bugger. I’d give it two days before he has an accident involving the bread slicer, miraculously timed for when the CCTV is looking the other way.

Deputy Clegg insists that the poll is nonsense and that he is certain to win his seat again. I suspect he might not be the only one turning whiter than one of Deputy Dawg’s ghosts when the results are called. Like, uh, boo, ya dig, daddio?

Labour are likely to take his seat so there’ll be no real improvement at all but I’d definitely get in a bottle of the good stuff and celebrate anyway.

What I’d like to see is Cameron lose to UKIP. Not for political reasons really, it would just be so bloody funny.

As for Moribund, his days are numbered too. Even his own party hates him now.

I’ll have to be sure to stay up late for the next election results and have plenty of whisky on hand.

It’s likely to be funnier than a Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special.

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30 thoughts on “Dark Days for Deputy Dawg

  1. This one could be a doozy – I’ve already booked the Friday off as holiday ;). It would be great to have some decapitations without actual blood being shed for a change.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. By analysis of human behaviour I predict the Conservatives will rule again with about 310 seats and a slim no over all majority of about 10. They will refuse any coalition and risk governing alone…closly followed by riots on the streets.

    You heard it from me first.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yep I intend to get the party poppers out and take the day off. Dare we hope for another Gillian Duffy moment? I remember Tom Harris’s blog appeared to be speechless with horror that evening – I’m embarrassed to say I put the boot in….:)

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  4. I remember very well the election in which Michael Portillo lost his seat, and I can say with all honesty that I had never seen anyone so gracious in defeat. The reason I remember it so clearly is that I was, at that time, well in Labour’s thrall.

    In fact, M. P.’s attitude that night was one of the main reasons I began to investigate the Conservative party as being worthy of my vote.

    Laugh away all you like; to me he was one of the few decent men in politics at the time. It is a tragedy there are so few left like him.

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  5. Did you know that the Commer’s handbrake worked on the FRONT wheels? Many people have been caught out when pulling up in a lightly laden (or worse still, empty) example, and promptly standing it on those two wheels. An aquaintance found that out the first time he tried a handbrake turn! However, he soon adapted this time honoured practice, by reversing at full speed, yanking the steering round, and then applying the handbrake….

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    • That all sounds bloody alarming. Mind you I am still a bit jumpy from an incident this morning: I live in a hillside village in Italy, and we woke up to snow this morning. There is not a single level surface in the area. I saw a tractor push a plough down the hill from the village, so after an interesting slalom down the narrow high street, nosed confidently down the “main” road.

      Except, the tractor/snowplough driver had stopped, on a blind bend, to chat to a friend. My lady actually screamed as I hauled my car to a locked-wheel halt. Had I been a native, driving at normal speeds, the results would have been messy.

      I would not have thought you could still get a Ka. A girlfriend had one, and we took a long trip in it. I was not surprised when it fell gradually to bits. Ford seem to do better these days.

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      • I suspect Legs may be talking about the 1300cc push rod Ka. A real Ford.

        However the Ka is still alive and kicking. It’s actually a Fiat 500 with slightly different suspension and of course a totally different body. (I’ll ignore the fact the 500 is on the old Panda platform).

        Anyway do feel free to gaze longingly?? at it. It’s due to be deleted next year and is likely to be replaced by a Ford out of India.

        http://www.ford.co.uk/Cars/Ka

        Kind of utterly boring.

        http://www.2016futurefordcars.com/2016-ford-ka-concept/

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      • Second-hand Ka, naturally. I’m not getting any big loans to buy new, just so it can lose 20% of its value the moment it leaves the showroom!

        The Ka is off the list. Might go for another Fiesta. They rust and rattle but the mechanics were pretty sound.

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        • I rate the Chevrolet Matiz. They drive and handle much better than their appearance suggests they should and if you forget to put oil in them and screw up the engine, like I did, they still keep going and going. Try doing that with a Jaguar, like I did, and see how far you get.

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  6. I believe Sheffield Hallam is (or used to be) one of the richest* constituencies in England. It covers ALL the wealthy/posh parts of Sheffield, namely: Dore, Totley, Millhouses, Lodge Moor, Crosspool, etc.

    If Labour take it then this Country really has gone mad. It would be doubly ironic if UKIP succeed in taking some (even one) of Sheffields Labour strongholds.

    *This was because of all the Southern based bankers (Midland – aka HSBC) selling their London portakabins & subsequently being able to buy the big (oop North) houses. There’s also all the senior medics, etc to factor in.

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          • Roger Daltrey got stuck into the last government for inoculating Britain with talentless, penniless Labour core voters and called the current one gutless.

            I won’t put words in his mouth, but he comes across as a Home Counties Thatcherite. Which I like. Gary Glitter is more Rotherham.

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            • That reminds me that back in 1969, I was screwing the same American bird that Daltrey was (occasionally) servicing.

              Dunno if that’s a claim to fame of not? Can I bathe in the reflected glory?

              She was actually very easy on the eye, and she had a really nice gaff just off Moscow Rd in Bayswater. One of my more upmarket dalliances….

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            • I have an old school friend who is now a rabid Trotsyite – and that’s how I refer to him. He seems to think it’s a compliment. Yet at schol, he was the one who suggested we replace hanging with cutting them off at the knees and standing them in a bucket of salt!

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      • Oh yes that’s the one. One of the bakers, butchers, fishmongers, grocery vans has a dark blue one with sliding front doors. It was a huge accident waiting to happen but it would have been a very, very slow accident. Scarily ugly for the local bairns.

        I had a Ka, the pushrods version when they came out, it was Burnt Orange. The inside was very roomy. Not a lot of creature comforts. I got a mobile phone free with it too. 1998 I think. I started a new consultancy firm and the Ka was a cheap way of getting about without having to hide it when I went to see my clients. I had it eighteen months the got back into real cars again.

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        • The Mk II Fiesta was probably the best of the few small cars I’ve owned. Entirely brush-painted with Hammerite because I’d given up on rust treatments, and you could see daylight through the door seals… but it was unstoppable.

          Until I got the brakes fixed.

          Liked by 1 person

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