Well, another April 1st beckons. I have to stay sober tonight to be on top form tomorrow. I have the morning shift at work and they will try to get revenge for the rest of the year. Naturally, I will be totally serious and well behaved.
Totally serious as I explain to Cafe Girl my concern that the new uniform she is expected to wear is going to be far too revealing. I think the management decision to dress cafe staff as mediaeval buxom serving wenches is a terrible idea and she should register a protest at once.
Boss is on holiday so I won’t get told off until next week. She’ll have forgotten individual incidents by then. It’ll just be the general-purpose deep sigh and the ‘Behave’ talk. Even though it has no effect whatsoever. I am ‘behaving’. This is how I behave.
I’ll be well behaved as I stomp on the plague of tiny plastic spiders in the staffroom (Poundland bumper pack from last Halloween. I knew it would be useful one day). Then sweep them away before anyone realises they are plastic.
Almost heroic as I crouch down and poke around under the shelves where ‘I saw something move’. Then whack a balled up piece of brown paper so it shoots out and disappears under another shelf. Paper makes a lovely skittering sound on hard floors. Sounds a bit like a chittering rat.
Naturally this will end with ‘Oh, it’s okay, it was just a bit of paper’ before they get on the phone to Rentokil. I’m not daft enough to take it too far.
So I won’t be doing anything special for April Fool’s day. Just another normal day for the Local Shop janitor. I also have the evening shift tomorrow, assuming I survive the morning shift unscathed.
One big challenge will be finding the April Fool story in the news. They all look like April Fool stories now. It will be a talented journalist indeed who can come up with something more bizarre than the real news.
The story about replacing probation officers with machines that don’t work is no joke (tipped by SB via email). Criminals will scan their fingerprint on the machine. The machine asks a set of standard questions to which they give standard replies. Then they get a receipt. Yes, really. Just like in ‘Brazil’. Try topping that for an April Fool story.
Finding tomorrow’s joke story is the only real challenge left for April Fool’s Day.
It’ll probably be the only story that makes sense.