The strange world of Local Shop

I fell asleep before blogging last night. The strange shift hours took their toll but I’m re-adapting now. One little chair is upholstered, needs trim added and finishing touches. Soon the final instalment will be ready.

I did manage to glue my fingers to one of them for half an hour but that’s for another time. I’d have taken a photo but I had glue on the other hand too and having a camera stuck to that hand would not have improved the situation.

Local Shop gets weirder by the day. And Cafe Girl gets more violent. I have considered not provoking her but I don’t think I can help it. She’s just so damn easy to wind up.

Today she was in my way while cleaning. I was wiping the tray runners, she was at the front of the cafe getting food for her break. I merely said, quite politely, “Get out of the way. You’re not a proper customer.” and she kicked me! It didn’t hurt but I felt violated and repressed. I must learn not to provoke her when in striking distance.

So I told Boss I had been violently assaulted by a vicious Cafe Girl (exaggeration mode had kicked in by then) and was she going to put up with her staff being physically attacked like that? She just said “Well you probably deserved it”. I get no support at all from Boss. It’s shameful.

Although she did give me a free cake later so maybe she felt a bit guilty about letting Cafe Girl beat me to a bloody pulp on a daily basis (I should turn off exaggeration mode now).

There are new staff. There always are. Most of them don’t seem to last long. Can’t imagine why.

One is a lad who looks about 12. He is built like an anorexic stick insect and wiggles his hips when he walks in a way that the girls would love to be able to do. He sounds like Julian Clary and is more camp than a tent convention. I hope he has a good sense of humour. He’s going to need it.

Another one ‘came out’ as gay recently. The surprise meter barely flickered. We all knew. Even Gullible Girl had sussed that one out. Still, he’s much happier now he’s not keeping a secret we all knew anyway so that must be a good thing,

Someone has been entertaining Mrs. Palm and her five lovely daughters in the staff gents. Boss found the evidence on her shift. She was appalled. I have been asking all the girls which of them he might be thinking about while he does it. Well one of them is turning a young man’s head to handyman thoughts. Speculation, laced with ‘Ewww’, is rife.

Management put up signs in the gents saying ‘Please leave these toilets as you would like to find them’. I suggested ‘No wanking, but if you have to, use a fucking tissue you filthy bastard’ but it was turned down. I suppose it might be seen as anti-wanker discrimination.

Or a sign. I could design a sign. It’s already been vetoed by Boss with a loud and wide eyed ‘NO!’

There are others I haven’t mentioned before. Banjo Girl, who looks like her brother was in ‘Deliverance’ and who always starts that tune in my head when I see her. Boss says she never smiles but she has a nice smile. Unless she shows her tooth. Boss says there are others who don’t smile but they do. She just scares them.

Maybe I mentioned Obelix before. He works in the stores, in the menhir department, and is only missing the horned hat and the moustache. Also in there is Small-eyes Stooped Guy, who is the reason stores are not asked to run tills any more. Yes, they had a tormentor before I arrived. I merely upped the game.

There is Blonde Manager who really does perpetuate the stereotype. She’s pretty and curvy and has a voice like a children’s TV presenter and is ditzy in a way that is cute.. at first. Until you realise that she is pretty much oblivious to the world around her and has an uncanny knack of being in the way pretty much all the time. One day I’ll just pick her up and put her down out of the way. She probably won’t even notice. I can still pick up women, you know. Just… small ones.

There is Smug Git too. The young lad who goes to private school and thinks this cleaner is beneath him. The games to play….

So  many.

No wonder they vote for idiots.


20 thoughts on “The strange world of Local Shop

  1. I’m sure you are very careful to keep your real-world and online identities separate – but the shit would hit the fan if they ever found out!

    I love the phrase “entertaining Mrs. Palm and her five lovely daughters.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh dear, things sound almost as lunatic as they are here, in the IT department of the University of Bums On Seats. IT here has a chequered history, you see. Right when I joined the place, we had the Blimp That Walks Like A Man in charge. Poor chap, he always looked to be on the verge of exploding, and you could tell it was hurting his braincells (all three of them). He ended up buying the email system that was so bad, the supplier erased it from history. Money down the drain, that was.

    He was replaced by the Invisible Man, a chap so unremarkable, so bland that he had to keep moving whilst giving a speech or people would forget he was there. Once again, the Curse of Email worked through him, and foisted the Blight of Redmond upon us; pre-emptive revenge.

    Now the Invisible Man has also gone the way of all flesh, to be replaced by the Professional Crony, AKA the Man With A Plan. Talks a bloody good scheme, he does, but like some academics I have known when he gets to the end of the speech, you sum it all up and find next to bugger all of substance has been said, but that he’s just appointed a few more people from somewhere he used to work at.

    Out on the sidelines, we have the academics. Handlebar Man, three-times winner of the most ridiculous facial hair in the place (against some very stiff opposition), and of course Slightly Balding Man, and whoever can forget the Incredible Blonde Intelligence-vacuum? I can’t, I had that nitwit as a manager for entirely too long, although these days she was replaced by Pheromone Man (don’t get downwind of this one!) and latterly by something called Matrix Management. Which is rather like the Borg, only less photogenic.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I work in a hospital. The basement is a special place. Tis where the hossie kitchen.lives. There are no windows and it has a dank, hollow feel. I don’t go there often, but when I do I often hear animal noises. No pretty girls down here. Zombie apocalypse comes to mind. I suspect they employ none human life forms- they work for nowt.


  4. Are you going to turn your shop stories into a play or situation comedy? Or a horror fantasy film? I find the little vignettes very interesting. The names are excellent. What do they call you?


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