A guest post by The Broken Girl. Take a deep breath for this one and be sitting down.
(Can contain triggers for some)
I was raped, or at least I think so. I keep telling myself that it’s all a bit of a grey zone. That somehow I was in the wrong, wore the wrong clothes, gave the wrong idea or just plain deserved it.
I was 18. I was visiting a school friend and since we were finally able to go on the clubs legally (I had been doing it for a few years by then) we decided to go out on the town for a bit of fun. Just two young friends having fun.
My dad has always told me that I’d forget my head somewhere if it hadn’t been so well attached. Don’t tell him I said this but he’s right. I always forget at least one thing when packing. This time what I forgot wasn’t socks or a toothbrush but my phone. I found out when it was already to late to go back.
My friend had an aunt who lived closer to the clubs than my friend so we had gotten permission to stay the night there. I’d never been before but my friend would take me there so no harm. We got ready at his place. Talked about the places we wanted to go to, what to drink and had a warm up drink before leaving. We were excited. We were going to have fun.
We got to town, went to the Irish bar for Guinness, danced to 80’s hits in a disco and in a smaller pub we ran into a bunch of guys. One of them knew my friend. They had gone to school together when I had been away at boarding school. He seemed nice.
We were already pretty drunk by this point. The new guy was charming and when his friends were about to leave I asked my school friend if we could go along. He said yes, probably for my sake.
One pint turned to several and I liked him more and more. He took me outside for a smoke and we had a snog. We went on to another place and we lost my friend in the crowds. New guy told me “It’s okay you’ll find him. It’s not a big place”. I didn’t. My friend was tired and quickly got bored of looking for me and went to his Aunt’s to sleep.
After a bit more drinking I realised that I was lost. I knew my friend wasn’t coming back, I didn’t know where his Aunt lived and I didn’t have my phone. New guy told me “you can sleep at my place”. I remember being grateful. I was saved from a night on the streets.
We got to his place. He tried getting me out of my clothes and I told him I was only there for sleep, nothing more. I got as ready for bed as I could and pretty much passed out drunk.
Next thing I remember was waking up confused and pressed down. New guy was on top of me. I asked him what he was doing and he told me “I didn’t have a condom and I don’t want you to get pregnant”. My first thought was “but I’m still a virgin!” and then I just grew numb and hid inside myself as he finished going deep in my arse.
He left me after. I didn’t know what to do so I just kept still hoping he wouldn’t return. The morning after he drove me to my friends place and I never saw him again after that day.
I kept quiet. I didn’t tell anyone. I figured who’d believe me anyway.
A year’s time later I told someone. The first time I opened up. She laughed. She laughed and I told myself “you were right!” I was just a broken girl alone in a broken world.