Leaking Secrets

Like most people, I have accumulated many secrets. Including some seriously dark ones. They were not as deliberately concealed as some people’s. It’s more that I just haven’t spoken about them before and didn’t realise just how much weight gets taken off you when you tell someone. I have always fixed things myself, with no outside help, and just locked away anything that could not be fixed.

So I’ve been telling some people. A few people have bits, one has much more than most. Nobody knows it all. There are decades of it to come out yet and it starts in earnest on July 13th. A date not chosen at random. It will become clear in time. Yes, more secrets…

There are going to be huge changes in this life. I have two points of stability in the chaos to come and one of them is this blog. The other lives in Denmark… for now.

I’m going to take my life apart and it’s going to be messy for a while. I have planned how it should go, considered and prepared counteractions for every eventuality. I have been meticulous in the scheme of the coming chaos and yet, I have to admit, I’m scared. I cannot foresee every single detail. Something can go wrong. There is someone who can royally fuck up the entire plan. Even though they cannot stop me they can deflect the path I have mapped out.

What I plan to do is probably impossible but I’m going to do it anyway. Why? Because finally I recognise that I really don’t much like my life. It’s way past time I did something about it.

I’m home again but this isn’t home any more. I used to like being alone but now I’m not sure I really ever did. Maybe I fooled myself into thinking I liked it, maybe I just got drunk and let the happy-water take the bad memories away. It didn’t really work. It just kept the ghosts out.

I’ve barely touched alcohol for nine days now and the ghosts are back with a vengeance. It’s time to face them and break them. Oh they’ll fight back. They already have a few times, but I won those rounds with help. I’ve tried to beat them alone in the past but that’s proved too impossible even for me. They just pushed me back into the bottle of jolly forgetfulness – but no more.

This is why I’ve woken some old personas. Dume and Crowe. They had a reason to exist. Yes, I made them up but they were always parts of me. Crowe was denial, the exclusion of the world I could never cope with. Dume was the writer whose first ever story submission was accepted, the fantasy world that was better and actually less dark than the real one.

It was better than reality because i could control it. Dume’s world seemed like a sort of casual psychopathy but I always knew what would happen next. It was my own creation and I was in total control. Leg-iron came later but again, I was in total control of those drunken rages.

And yet… they were control over a fantasy world in both cases. The loner, the hermit, the recluse who only shows his face in text on a screen. For the chaos to come I will need Crowe again – the one with cool control over what happens inside. The reason he came into being will start to become clear on July 13th. He was my first withdrawal from a shitty life and yet he will be instrumental in my finding a way back out of it. I need all my demons now, and yet I will kill them all on the way back. Crowe can do that.

I’ve now told Boss some things about my past, and my future plans, that shocked her. The first text I had on arriving back in this country was from her – she had been concerned that I might not come back and I very nearly didn’t. But I have. Not just for Boss but also for another reason. The wedding that I went on that drinking trip to Frankfurt for. I have to go to that and play my part.

So my secrets have started to leak and I actually feel pretty good about it. Only a month to the tsunami of madness so I’ll leak one little one for you right now.

Remember the guy in the lobster suit?

He’s my son.