I was up early Saturday to get to the post office with a box of the most unlikely combination of things ever to pass through a postman’s hands. Unfortunately one of the things was a Banned Thing for sending overseas so I had to take the parcel home and re-jig it.
Even so, the list I gave in response to the ‘What’s in the parcel’ question got me a dropped jaw and a look of disbelief. I have now replaced the Banned Thing with something different – different from all the other things too. If I can list the contents with an entirely straight face I will be quite chuffed.
There are a whole range of Banned Things the post office will not carry now and most of them are pretty damn silly. If you are thinking of setting up a business in the UK, check whether you will be allowed to do any trade at all outside the UK first. Otherwise you’ll be going bust fast. Those like me who would buy it and send it on will not be allowed to do so and we only need to learn that lesson once.
The UK postal service seems to have gone the way of the NHS – intent on proving to the population that they are entirely useless.
They aren’t trying to prove that, of course. They are trying to be ‘in control’ of us all but the result is that they are no damn use at all. I will investigate other, possibly more sensible, couriers in future.
I can’t give you the box contents list now because it would ruin a surprise that I hope will have Broken Girl laughing like she’s never laughed before. Maybe she’ll tell you all when it arrives. Or maybe she’ll send it back with ‘ram that right up where the sun don’t shine, you cheeky bastard’. I never can tell, and that’s the best part.
So many people are entirely predictable. Today I asked Obelix the storeman if Big Nads was furious yet. He said ‘no’. I said ‘No worries, I’m here now’ and he looked scared.
He’s scared of everything and yet if we stand together we look like Asterix and Obelix – and he’s Obelix. He is scared of Boss for no reason I can fathom and he is terrified of Big Nads.
About five minutes after I arrived, Big Nads was heading out for a smoke and invited me to join her. Since Manager Who Takes Shit Seriously was on duty, I declined. I’d already smoked before starting anyway and wanted to get the work running ahead so I could get a good break later.
I then told the cafe staff -and Obelix – that Big Nads was a bad influence on me. I’d only been there five minutes and she tried to drag me outside for a quick one. Really, I meant a quick smoke. How was I to know they’d come to a different conclusion?
Anyway, Big Nads was a bit shouty later on. But then she often is. There’s probably no connection.
Once she was properly furious I said to Obelix in passing “I’m going to tell Big Nads what you said about her”.
A terrified look on a huge man’s face is a sight to see.
“Why? What did I say?” he said
I carried on walking. “I haven’t made it up yet but when I do, I’m telling.”
He followed me all around the shop until Big Nads’ shift ended and she went home. He’s not at all dim, he’s quite intelligent but then I have convinced PhD holders of some pretty bizarre shit in the past. Local Shop is really fish-in-a-barrel stuff for me.
If things had turned out different I could have been a Mandelsnake. Controlling drone thinking and scaring them into obeisance is easy. But then I do it for fun and let them go after. In fishing parlance I play ‘catch and release’ with them. I have no interest in keeping them under control at all. I’m not interested in being in control. I’m just playing.
The real Righteous are not playing. They are deadly serious.
Soon you will not be able to travel in case you are joining ISIS and soon you won’t be able to send a letter without providing the post office with a transcript signed by two independent witnesses.
You will be isolated. Resistance is futile.
But… it’s just so much fun!