To the Captain

I was sexually abused as a child and raped as a teen and I damn well survived this far. I am turning 30 this year, an age I wasn’t even expecting I would reach.

I have legs covered with self inflicted scars, I have at times had borderline eating disorders, I have gotten a PTSD diagnosis and I at times get panic attacks from an empty local shop. I have tried throwing up in bushes from pure anxiety and I have wondered how to best protect myself with a pack of salmon.

But I have also slowly through the last 8 years learned that it is okay to be happy. That me smiling and enjoying life is possible without waiting on the other shoe to drop. Without looking for the darkness creeping in from the corners when you least expect it.

As a teen I used to write dark poems about death and scared girls. Very Sylvia Plath I’d guess. Pen in one hand whilst imagining stuffing my head in the gas oven. I did one with a message saying ‘you are fucked and on your own’. No one is going to swoop in and save you. No Prince Charming will fix you up with a kiss. You only have yourself and it is you against the world so tough luck cookie. And I truly believed that.

But strangely enough, after a lot of hard work by myself, it was in some ways a man who started piecing some of my last broken shards together. First by giving me an outlet to write whatever I wanted, then by steady support and most of all just by being there as I started digging up and facing demons I hadn’t even realised were hiding in my mind.

I have made a lot of progress and I do feel lighter and more myself than I have for years. I still have progress to be made but for the first time I’ve let someone in enough to know that I am not alone. And somehow just knowing that there is someone by your side who’ll be there when you fall is one of the best feelings in the world.

It has been weeks since I crossed the street and thought ‘should I just get hit by a car and get it over with?’ I still have days where going outside fells kind of scary. But I also feel lighter and brighter. I’m starting to see that I am kind of likeable and not just a grumpy cat. There are still clouds in my sky but the sun is doing its best to shine through.

So although in some ways I think my teen self was in some ways right at that moment, I’ve come to see that I was also so very wrong.

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23 thoughts on “To the Captain

  1. Just keep doing what you are, it seems to be working for you. Its hard for anyone who has not been in that position to even imagine the trauma, hopefully the worst is over and its all better times ahead. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was going to put ” a big manly hug from me” until I thought again about your story and decided maybe it would be a less than perfect offering. You’re due a lot of love and happiness; the visitors here will do all they can to make sure you get them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I guess with enough time most wounds does really heal.
      I know Leggy will do his best to make sure I won’t need it but always good to have on your side.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s strange how internet buddies are both unknown and intimate. I guess this is a new form of human friendship to which we must all become more familiar. Although really I don’t know you from Eve, I feel empathy from your writings, which have revealed some of your innermost thoughts and memories. So I fully support your “Taking the lid off Pandora’s box”: you are funny, witty and hopefully on a carthartic journey from all that darkness back into happier times.
    May you and Leggy be happy – you both deserve it. I’d say God Bless, but we don’t want to bring Her into it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is strange how you in some ways know more about buddies you’ve never met than those you have a pint with every now and again. It is a strange world.
      Not to be a pain in the arse, but if God is a woman does that make Virgin Mary a lesbian? I could kind of explain the whole virgin thing.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Old Legiron is a good man. I’ve been reading him for years. I’ve never met him, I don’t even know where he lives (although I’ve narrowed it down to a couple of small towns in NE Scotland-Land!) But he’ll look after you because (a) he is a good and honest decent person, and (b) – like what someone else said on here about the Internet, you end up knowing more about people you correspond with yet have never seen, than sometimes what you know about those you see every day.
    Keep on doing what you’re already doing, be with Legiron (wherever that may be for you both, it doesn’t really matter, does it?) and you’ll make each other happy, which in the end is all anyone can hope for!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m pretty much an irrepressible optimist, I can’t get any real grip on these situations.
    When younger, I was inclined to the “pull yourself together” attitude. I’m sure you’ve encountered it. Please accept my very sincere proxy apology for that.

    I still don’t understand, but I do know now that it’s real.
    Humans exist on various positions on various spectra. We don’t often know why, but it presumably serves a “purpose”, evolutionarily speaking. (Or it wouldn’t persist.)

    We don’t have to give in to nature. I recommend cheating, if you can find a way!

    I really do wish you the very best.
    I believe I do good hugs, you have a free pass. 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • The pull yourself together attitude can be hard, especially from family. I’ve had family members asking if I wasn’t just acting up or being a bit over dramatic just so I could get a bit of a holiday.

      Cheating?

      I’m not sure if I’m a good hugger. I tend to get awkward and nervous and try to avoid it. So you may regret it if I ever collect.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I imagine that writing this post was very difficult. More difficult still must have been the decision to publish it.

    But I sincerely hope it has been a cathartic experience for you and this helps a healing process of sorts.

    Lastly if legiron is half the man I believe him to be, then I think the future may be bright. My sincere condolences and very best wishes for the future.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Some tears were put into this blog post. But it has been kind of freeing. It’s not something I talk about a lot since it’s a bit of a sore subject still so putting it in words has been a new experience. Especially not just saying this happened but saying this happened but I am still kicking and I will keep on fighting.

      Liked by 1 person

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