Ashtray Domination

Today I drove into Aberdeen with two Samurai swords and a cattle trailer. On the way back I got stuck behind a windmill. An ordinary day, really.

Later I went in to work and got Boss to witness my signature on a lease. I’m finally doing what I should have done twenty or more years ago and it feels pretty damn good. It feels so much more than pretty damn good because I’m not doing it all on my own.

It’s pretty much a legally binding doodah now. I think the landlord has one last chance to say ‘No, fuck off you horrible little man’ but I doubt that will happen. My email saying I was interested in the flat was held up by spam for a day and I had one back saying ‘We can drop the rent by ÂŖ10-20 a month if it will help’. I graciously accepted.

I’m pretty damn sure I have this flat and it’s a really nice one. The only bugbear is all the stairs but then it’s just a starting point. It’s not going to be forever. I want a little house with a garden and we’re agreed on that.

Maybe I won’t have a car for a while. The flat has a bus stop right outside the door, work would be 10 minutes away by bus and at a real pinch I could walk there in about 90 minutes. Not running a car for a few months would allow for some serious cash accumulation. Well worth considering. And my current car is pretty crap anyway.

One thing about the flat is that it’s non smoking. Well, I don’t own it. It’s the landlord’s flat so I’ll abide by his rules. It’s not a problem and it’s only for a matter of months. It’s probably too small to smoke in anyway. I’d have all my clothes smoked up. In this big house I can smoke in a couple of rooms without affecting the others but in a little flat, it could get pervasive.

There will, of course, be an ashtray. It will be the Bull Brand glass ashtray with the ‘no smoking’ sign in it. A delightful bit of cognitive dissonance. There has to be an ashtray. It’s the law.

It is on aeroplanes, apparently.

Aeroplanes are required to have ashtrays on board in case of something or other and they cannot take off without one. They should all fit the Bull Brand no-smoking ashtray. They only cost a pound. I hope they still make it. I have one anyway.

I was most amused by the picture of the enraged harpy raising the wrong finger at the guy with the unlit cigarette. Once, a wrinkled harridan passed me at a bus stop while I was rolling a cigarette and gave an exaggerated fake cough. I hadn’t even finished rolling. So the picture is at least accurate. The pathetically indoctrinated really do exist.

Then there is the ‘probably’ that is presented as fact.

An onboard fire probably caused by a cigarette led to the deaths of 123 people on a flight from Rio de Janeiro to Paris in the 1970s.

It could have been. Or it could have been caused by a million other things. Not one of those other things is even considered even though there is no firm evidence that a smoker caused the disaster. Even though, if there is an ashtray provided by legal diktat, why would a smoker chuck a cigarette in waste disposal? We all know how to use an ashtray. It’s a genetic thing.

I predict it won’t be long before a vaper is blamed for a plane crash. Lithium batteries have already been demonised so it’s just a matter of time before the Age of Steam takes its vengeance on modern technology.

How long before a plane crash gets blamed on the fat boy in seat 7B?

You think it’s different. It’s not. It’s the same template with the same agenda. Control.

And fat boys, for you it’s already started.

12 thoughts on “Ashtray Domination

  1. Hope you get the flat Leggy.

    ” …. work would be 10 minutes away by bus and at a real pinch I could walk there in about 90 minutes.”

    Have you considered the healthy alternative, that’d save you bus fares 😉

    [Special Scottish version]

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My first (and so far last) long-haul UK to States was in 1995, when I confirmed my ticket on the phone they asked “smoking or non-smoking”, obviously I said “Smoking please”, when I hit the check in desk I was informed the airline was all “non-smoking” so why fucking ask? 3 of the 4 of us smoked, but only one had the balls to retire to the toilets for a quick one, I made do with a never ending stream of Gin & Tonics from the trolley dolly, who was entertaining enough in himself as he was an incredibily camp, bouffant haired version of Gene Wilder, some respite could be found on the empty rows of seats at the very back where one could kip for a few hours. Then we arrived at JFK and couldn’t fucking smoke there either till you got past the grim visaged customs officials, and out to the Greyhound bus stance outside, after 45m. Mind you we took the piss on the Greyhound as it had a toilet at the back, same for Amtrak, smoking in the bar area with a “mom” and her kiddy looking aghast at us till she summoned the conductor who told us smoking had been banned on Amtrak for 20 years, needless to say the toilet was almost constantly engaged for the rest of our journey, someone having gone to the trouble of ripping the smoke alarm from the ceiling prior to our utilising ourself of its “facilities”…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: What the Blazes! Taking an arrow to the nÊe | Library of Libraries

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