Smoking Bacon

I’m still working to raise money fast. There’s a big cheque on the way. I get one every three months and with perfect timing, as always, this one has been delayed. Just as my finances are scraping the rock beds of destitution. Apologies for the lack of response to comments. I’m reading them, honest.

I see via on Twitface that bacon is now as deadly as cigarettes and asbestos. I presume this goes double for smoked bacon and treble for second-hand smoked bacon. If you sell on your second-hand smoked bacon because you’re now scared to eat it, it becomes third hand smoked bacon and the planet will implode.

It is, as usual, absolute and utter nonsense based on the idea that if you have a plate of bacon at every single meal every single day it won’t be good for you. You could say the same for apples. Given the choice, I’d take the bacon because what that amount of apple will do to your guts doesn’t bear thinking about. Also, bacon tastes so much better.

Why do I assume it’s all a load of made-up crap? This –

…according to “a well-placed source”, a gathering of international scientists have checked the evidence and decided processed meat merits a top risk ranking, along with alcohol, asbestos, arsenic and cigarettes.

No names, no pack drill. They hide in an amorphous mass known as a ‘gathering’ but you never see their names. Do they even exist, these scientists who declare things to be so without all that tedious data collection and analysis? Yes, they exist – but they are not scientists. They are Righteous and their Word cannot be questioned because… well just because, okay?

I wish I had a well-paid job that involved simply making stuff up and inflicting it on other people while ignoring it myself. It does sound like a lot of fun. I think I could do so much better though. I mean, why stick to easy targets? They go for things that are so easily shot down, too.

Lesbians cannot have dildos because that will turn them straight. Vegetarian burgers and sausages will make vegetarians crave the real meaty thing so they must be banned.

What’s that you say? Absurd arguments? How, in essence, do they differ from the current ‘Experts have Said’ argument that inhaling Electrofag steam will make people crave real tobacco? Aren’t they exactly the same argument? No? Explain why not.

Did you know there is such a thing as vegetarian bacon? There really is. It looks like plastic imitation bacon. I have no idea what it tastes like but I very much doubt it tastes like bacon. It must be banned because it will make a vegetarian crave bacon, then smoked bacon, then cigarettes… I would say ‘you couldn’t make it up’ but they can make it up. They do, every day, and the drones just lap it all up.

What about smoked salmon? Parma ham? Kippers? They all have actual smoke particles in them so if you even sniff them, you’re going to die. That’s why these things are sealed in plastic packs at the point of sale so unsuspecting antismokers don’t get contaminated and spontaneously combust in the delicatessen.

“Cleanup, deli aisle. Bring the fire extinguisher and the big bucket.”

Ridiculous? Of course it is. It’s easy to make the drones believe it though.

They will believe that bacon will kill them even if they are over 50 and have had a bacon roll for lunch every day of their lives. They already believe that they can die of smoke they can neither smell nor see and that steam equals smoke. They believe that the sight of a pack of cigarettes will be enough to force them to start smoking even though someone that weak-willed and dim would be unlikely to find their way out of bed in the morning and if they did, would probably overcook their breakfast cereal.

They believe they will die if someone else buys whisky or if someone else uses a bigger belt. They really believe that other people’s choices determine their own. They will accept any information without question. They really will. I’ve met them. Some of them have PhDs.

It’s well known that the pompous buffoons who think they know best have declared they want to reduce meat consumption by the proles. They have said it often. There have been many attempts to demonise meat over the decades but you know what? None of them work. This is a step too far for all but the dimmest of drones.

Sure, some people are vegetarian because they want to be and some are vegetables because they just live as they are told to live but for most people, what they eat is a choice.

And I mean… bacon! It’s a fact that the cause of all the strife between Israel and the surrounding countries is caused by bacon deficiency. Look how mellow the bacon-eating countries are by comparison. Removing bacon from the national diet would lead to war and destruction and large pools of salty drool which would, over centuries, create another Dead Sea. That’s how the first one formed. Nobody in their right minds would want that.

I had an Aberdeen Angus burger this evening. These things are like a quarter of a cow minced and compacted into a round slab of meat that takes 20 minutes to grill. Even I only have one at a time. You want me to stop eating that so I can live a little longer, crazed with dementia, in a don’t-care home being beaten, starved and abused by the staff? No thanks. I’d rather end up dead in a ditch being eaten by wild animals.

At least I’d be full of meaty goodness for all the poor starving wildlife.

And I’d probably taste like bacon.

36 thoughts on “Smoking Bacon

  1. “No names, no pack drill. They hide in an amorphous mass known as a ‘gathering’ but you never see their names.”

    Exactly. Probably because these assumed boffins and brainboxes aren’t the instigators of the Control. The Controllers need their minions or else the veil would be opened and we would see the Controllers, whereas just now we can see the strings (some people can). If they used real, unbiased scientists who weren’t coerced into giving the ‘right’ answers, things would be different.

    There’s a line in The 3 Worlds of Gulliver where the king (of either Lilliput or Brobdingnag; I forget) admits that the reason he has a prime minister/government is so that they can take the blame when things go wrong.

    We tend to blame the ‘scientists’ and the fake charity bods like Dreadful and the Carbon Cowboys rather than the kings pulling the strings.

    Additionally, if we had politicians who understood that their job is to govern a country and not individuals’ lives then these unnamed fakers would have to get a real job and the Controllers would lose control.

    But our politicians work for the Controllers too. I think that it’s all in the selection process. My Labour MP ignored all my pleas if they were contrary to the Party. My new SNP MP has done the same at the first attempt (Named Persons). They are chosen as prospective MPs because they are loyal to the Party, not the people. And the Party is a party to the interests of the Controllers

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Leggy, the big problem with bacon isn’t its health effects, it the forced ingestion of secondhand bacon particulates by religious minorities whose faiths tell them that such ingestion will bar them from the afterlife.

    Imagine if you are a such a person living in an apartment complex whose fire code enforcement is so lax that they’ve banned smoking because the smoke particulates waft from apartment to apartment. Now imagine that you have a neighbor on the other side of the hall two floors down who likes to fry up a mess o’ bacon every morning. As is clearly evidenced by the walls and surfaces around stoves used for such things, greasy bacony porky particulates by the millions, billions, trillions, and probably quadrillions go flying into the air with the smaller ones behaving quite similarly to tobacco smoke and flying through the vents, seeping through the wall cracks, and crawling along the plumbing and electrical lines to force their way down the throats of the most religiously observant anti-pork folks in that apartment complex no matter where they may hide.

    Bacon, or at least frying or roasting bacon, clearly needs to be banned in all pubs and workplaces and shared-wall-housing-units. Owners of stand-alone mansions without service-staff can fry bacon if they wish of course: it’s not actually being banned after all — just limited. And anyone in shared housing who TRULY craves bacon can cook it safely by boiling it for ten minutes or so. It can then be blotted dry with paper towels or toilet paper and bacon loving families are still perfectly free to enjoy it with their soft-boiled eggs.

    See? Then EVERYONE will be HAPPY! It’s a Win-Win-Win situation! Who could ever complain?

    – MJM


  3. Trivial Pursuit…

    Charles Lloyd Pack was in “The 3 Worlds of Gulliver” (see above). He was Roger Lloyd-Pack’s dad. Charles Lloyd-Pack had another son… called Charles Lloyd-Pack.

    Now, as you mentioned Lesbians, let’s talk about one of our best-loved Lesbian luvvies, Sandi Toxic:

    “Toksvig is adoptive mother to three children: two daughters, Jessica and Megan[40] (born 1988 and 1990), and a son Theo[41] (born 1994). The children were carried by her then-partner, Peta Stewart from whom she separated in 1997,[39] and were conceived through artificial insemination by donor Christopher Lloyd-Pack,[8] younger brother of the actor Roger Lloyd-Pack.”

    I wonder if they call Theo “Dave”.

    Ms Toxic became a British citizen in 2013, so it looks like we’re stuck with her. She’s another useful idiot. Look:

    In 1994 charity Save the Children dropped her services as compere of its 75th anniversary celebrations after she came out,[8] but following a direct action protest by the Lesbian Avengers,[47] the charity apologised.[48]

    An atheist and humanist, Toksvig is a Patron of the British Humanist Association.

    I must find out more about these Lesbian Avengers. Do you think they wear bowler hats and carry umbrellas?


      • Methinks the Indy has its facts arse-about-face when it states:

        “Cheese contains a chemical found in addictive drugs, scientists have found.”

        Surely ‘Addictive drugs contain a chemical found in cheeses, scientists have found.’ Especially as their article continues …. “top-ranking foods on the addiction scale were those containing cheese.”

        Whatever – I’m hooked – a self-confessed cheese junkie.


        • Brings a whole new meaning to those “The Power Of Cheese!” commercials.

          Now the question at hand is whether children seeing cows tend to become cheese addicts more than those who don’t. Is it true that the Dairy Industry influenced Disney to introduce Clara Belle and cartoon cows into their works to encourage childhood experimentation and addiction to cheese products?

          Studies have shown that most children experiment with cheese before adolescence, a time when young brains are most susceptible to lifelong addictions. With the exception of those fortunate enough to develop lactose intolerance, over 90% of cheese addicts remain hooked for life. Those who give it up, even for long periods are prone to relapse at holiday gatherings, and it’s promoted as a sexual aid at what are called “Wine And Cheese” parties.

          The animals forced to produce basic cheese ingredients are often abused and live miserable lives, and almost always butchered once their production lags.

          Something MUST be done… the only question that remains is who will be brave enough to take those necessary first steps? It won’t be an easy road. The widespread nature of the addiction and its reach and tenacity within the ranks of government officials foretell a long and difficult battle, but it’s a battle that must be won… for the sake of all humanity!*

          – MJM

          *Oh. And for The Children of course.

          – MJM

          Liked by 1 person

        • Wizz. Now that’s a word I haven’t heard for a few years. You’re starting to reveal a misspent youth, Prog! 🙂

          As for the demise of Gorgonzola, that can never be allowed to happen. It is manna from heaven; one of the few things that God got right.


            • Oh yes he did. Ask Stewart.

              There is, a few miles down the road, an excellent small hotel with a superb kitchen (This is darkest west Tuscany). When I go there I choose either the Lasagne with a local red, or a pasta dish covered in a white sauce flavoured with Gorgonzola accompanied by Prosecco. Tuscan bread for the dipping and mopping up.

              For pudding, normally the home-made Tiramisù.


  4. “…according to “a well-placed source”, a gathering of international scientists have checked the evidence”

    That, presented as evidence, is worthy of the Daily Mash.


    • To think, some people spend a lot of money on single tickets to Switzerland, whereas you can spend $2.50 on something that will clearly kill on sight. The Daily Mail should be told.


    • They have roast chicken flavour too. I tried it. It really does taste like roast chicken.
      You can smoke a three course meal with coffee, brandy and absinthe to follow. It’s the most fun gadget ever invented.


      • I’m amazed nobody has introduced ‘The Vape Diet’. “Eat and drink as much as you like – indulge in a full roast dinner with all the trimmings and lose weight at the same time!”

        There’s a million waiting to be made by a smart entrepreneur somewhere!


  5. Oh my,just what is a drunken yid to do with this? , I might be p’ssg myself with laughter– I am, but hygiene is important. Colin I lost your email to me, my phone ate it and spat it into the aether,I’ve no idea where it is. So I reply here instead. Don’t do the flu whatever your body tolerates. And enjoy everything you do.


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