Toilet cardboard vs. shitty sticks… which would you handle?

Tipped by the radiant and lovely Yvonne in Email…

As usual around this time of year they (greasy urchins’ playgroups) are asking for twigs, jam bottles, leaves and such. I was told that they are no longer able to use cardboard tubes from toilet rolls because of bacteria from bathrooms but they would like the tubes from kitchen foil, clingfilm and the like for crafts.
They’re okay with twigs and leaves which will inevitably be covered with all kinds of insect shit and might have been peed on by a fox or a weasel. They’d even be happy with the twigs we, as children, used to stand upright in cow pats to make little leafless forests on Stinky Hill.
We were allowed to wallow in filth as children. It’s why we have so few autoimmune diseases now, compared to Generation Feeble who are, quite literally, being mollycoddled to death. A bored immune system really is something to worry about.
They are not okay with cardboard tubes from toilet rolls because they might have ‘bathroom bacteria’ on them. There is no such thing. If they were honest they’d call them ‘arsebugs’ because that’s what they are really scared of. They aren’t scared of the multiple threats from twigs and leaves because that’s nature, and nature is allowed to be covered in shit. It’s natural so it’s safe shit.
There are very few bacteria in a properly maintained bathroom. You know it’s the highest risk room in the house so it gets hit with every chemical in your cleaning arsenal. You use chemicals in the toilet you’d never dream of using to clean cutlery. Deadly chemicals, things that can’t be left in the toilet bowl too long or they’ll etch the porcelain.
Most toilet seats these days are plastic or varnished wood. I haven’t seen bare wood ones since primary school and even we shabby filthy kids tried to avoid using those. It was a kind of instinct, I suspect. Bare wood is impossible to get bacteria-free unless you burn it or soak it in a bucket of creosote. Varnished wood or plastic just needs surface disinfecting.
Steel seats are a possibility, but not in Scotland because in winter you might find it hard to stand up afterwards.
Any impervious surface is easily rendered clean. You can use things that even Father Jack wouldn’t drink to wipe it down. Porous surfaces in bathrooms are high risk.
The little cardboard tube in the middle of the toilet roll is porous so the logic of the simple says it has to be high risk. However, you don’t wipe your arse with it unless you are
a) clinically insane,
b) have run out of paper and have nothing else within reach,
c) are exceptionally tight-fisted or
d) just like the feel of cardboard.
None of these would lead to you donating said cardboard tube to the horrors of youth unless you really, really don’t like them. Even then, I doubt even modern children would try to make anything out of a soggy, misshapen, stinky shit covered cardboard lump.
A normal cardboard arsepaper tube is low risk unless you ran out of paper and changed the roll without bothering to wash the brown sticky bits off your fingers first. Maybe that’s common among the young, I don’t know.
I remember, as a child, making Christmas decorations that looked a bit like a candle at school. We had to bring in our own toilet roll card tube and didn’t think it in any way creepy or odd. “This is the card tube. I wiped shit off my arse with the rest of it, and this is what’s left”. No, it never occurred to us to question it. It was just a cardboard tube.
Nobody ever died or got even slightly sick. We made shitty decorations out of the shitpaper tubes and nobody ever caught so much as an STD from it. I have wondered if maybe the parents are saying ‘Please, no more dreadful Christmas tat. We have enough.’
We did get occasional bouts of squirty bottom from playing with filthy leaves and shitty sticks, and perhaps it’s a slightly twisted good thing that those are still allowed for the horrible small ones of the modern world.
At least their immune systems are getting some exercise, despite the best efforts of modern education and progressive parents to turn them into flabby Nazi leucocytes…
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36 thoughts on “Toilet cardboard vs. shitty sticks… which would you handle?

  1. Yes, kids these days don’t stand a chance.

    I let my kids play in the dirt when they were young because, well, that’s what kids like to do. Not a conscious decision – I just didn’t think it was a major issue. Kids are always attracted to muck, and perhaps it’s an inbuilt instinct, to build up those all important antibodies for later life.

    And as for the toilet roll inserts, we used to keep those for the children to make stuff with at home. We may even have had a book ‘1001 things to make with old bog roll inserts’, or some such. Doesn’t seem to have done them any harm. I remember having all sorts of wondrous creations dotted around the house made out of old bog roll tubes. Horses, candles, trains, dolls, binoculars, you name it. We could make anything and everything out of them.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your posting theme is reminiscent of the signs above mens’ urinals, instructing “Now wash your hands”.

    FFS (most) mens’ todgers are cleaner & freer from bacteria than the grubby mitt which extracts them from the comfort of the Y-fronts. The sign ought to read “Wash your hands BEFORE and after handling Willy”.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I once put up a sign in the staff toilets that said ‘In the interests of hygiene, please wash your hands before touching the taps’ but they took it down. They have no interest in bacterial safety ๐Ÿ™‚

      Urine is (or should be) sterile so yes, wash your hands before and after… during if it’s a long one.

      Liked by 3 people

      • We have a strange thing here from a firm called “Sagrotan.” It is a sopa dispenser that you do not have to touch. Put your hands under, ans it squirts automatcaly so you don’t have to touch the dispenser, which may have germs. WHAT!? You are about to wash your hands! Any bacteria from the dispenser will be part of the “Destroyed by washing process” Or??? OR are they secretly admiting their soap is fucking useless?

        Liked by 1 person

  3. In the US, West Coast, they are beginning to advertise and sell toilet paper that has no cardboard tube in the center. It is wound around itself with a big enough hole to fit the paper holder in the bathroom and they are saying it is to “save the trees”, more tress because of less cardboard, etc. Maybe this notion of banning the tubes based on “health reasons” from craft making is a lead-in to banning them altogether and forcing manufacturers to do away with the center tubes, as some here are already beginning to do. After all, all books printed prior to the 1980’s have already been banned, removed, taken and destroyed from US public libraries and schools, coast to coast, based on the paper being “contaminated with lead” and a “health risk” from the ink – and of course the IDEAS they expressed have all been destroyed at the same time, or better still, re-printed but in different form, different messaging, different morals, different outcome – Bureau of History Re-Write – official US government policy – gotta’ be “healthy” you know. It started with tobacco, every non-smoker jumping on board, hoping they would remain safe. Now it will go to infect every company, individual, and eventually the lying spineless brainless politicians who serve the rulers above them and who will eventually be done away with at the end, after they are done destroying it for everyone else.

    Liked by 4 people

    • The tubes can be made from recycled card so have no effect on trees at all. Or they could be plastic, recovered and re-used.

      The book issue is far more dangerous. I noticed, at the start of the internet, that academic journals started going online – but papers before 1980 weren’t included. There were new papers ‘discovering’ things we’d known about for decades…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I still collect all the tubes from inside bog rolls, stuffed with kindling and dipped in wax they make the most effective fire lighters. Obviously I’m putting myself and the surrounding community in grave danger by doing this due to second or third hand shit being put into the atmosphere

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Hello LI,

    You nailed it of course. Very good piece of writing too. Most people are so ignorant regarding bacteria and their survival outside of their natural environment. Hey ho. I’m so fed up with the rat race and all the usual bollocks I am setting up a microbrewery with a business partner. We should be brewing in about 2 to 3 weeks. About time microbes did something back for me after 45 years.

    Now about this posh version of this here book……………………….

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Things may at last be changing. My Dear Wife works in a major public-sector-nursery in Sefton MBC. All of today’s English Nurseries have to have, now, to satisfy OFSTED, a “mud kitchen”, outside in the outside. The children, supervised of course, are allowed to piss (not literally) about in it and make a mess and handle stuff. They have plastic pots and short sticks and toy spades and so on. It is better than nothing I guess.
    And they can even do stuff in the rain, if it’s warm.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Like all small boys mainly, in the 60s, there would be times when we were playing in the woods and a pristine toilet was unavailable. Going home wasn’t a possibility so we used doaken leaves. A tad too slippy perhaps but adequate. I can’t remember anyone contracting nasty bottom issues which led to illness. Your grannie would have sorted it if you had. Grannies have the answers it’s just the questions they’re not sure about!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I have a feeling that the place you are most likely to pick up bacteria on your hands is from the handle of a supermarket trolley. Just look at what the users do as they push them around and all the potential bacteria that they touch. Then watch their children, often with their sticky fingers from sweets, who also push the trolley. How often are the trolleys cleaned?
    I may be paranoid, but the first thing that I do when I get home is to wash my hands!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: A Handful of Spunk – Library of Libraries

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