There is such a thing as a gay ram. Farmers know of them and are scared of getting one.
See, you put two rams in a field of sheep. Each ram has non-drying dye splattered on his underside and every sheep he shags has a colour on her back end. So you know which rams are most effective at producing the next generation of lamb chops.
Well, the reason for putting two rams in is simple. They will compete for offspring and the ewes are guaranteed a good time.
However, if one of the rams is gay, the other ram doesn’t have to compete. He can take his time. Maybe a candlelit dinner, a bouquet of hay, and then extensive foreplay including a bit of hoofing and a paint mark on her head… Basically, if one of the rams is only interested in the other ram, the farmer won’t get too many lambs next spring.
If both rams have each other’s colours on their back ends and the ewes are all pristine white then it’s bankruptcy time for the farmer and his customer satisfaction hotline will get a lot of calls that are just an angry and frustrated ‘baaa’.
But I digress. This was just part of a conversation CStM and I had this evening and I have spared you the full depravity of it. Oh yes, I really have.
I guess ‘time’ is the theme here. Currently I have none to spare. Parents are visiting and want to see as much as possible of their grandchildren and great-grandchild and that’s understandable. For me that means driving every day and with the bridge out, it adds at least 5 miles to every journey. Along some very crappy roads if I go the short way or somewhat better roads if I go the long (10+ miles extra) way.
I am getting nothing done. I have not touched publishing work, I have not touched the garden, I have driven well over halfway to Wales and not been 20 miles from the house. I am knackered. I do see the point though – for Parents, every visit might be the last so they want to make the best of it. If you have any inkling of how old I am, you can appreciate how old my parents are.
Author payments are due at the end of this month. These are never large amounts – yet – so I hope the authors will understand if I am a day or so behind this quarter.
Parents leave on the 1st September. On that date, author payments, Justin Sanebridge’s book and the opening of the sixth Underdog Anthology are due.
I can do this. All of it. It will happen.
I’ve never had to deal with the ‘easy way’ and I have no intention of starting now.
‘Easy’ is for the weak.